PMT DB
PMT DB
Mr. Portnoy’s Complaints, Dan Haren, and the Playoff Hockey Grind
The greatest playoffs in all of sports are officially back, though Big Cat is already miserable because the Blackhawks managed to get shut out in their opener. PFT is riding high with a Capitals overtime win, thanks in no small part to the squad rocking overtime JNCOs. It is the time of year where every single goal feels like a life-altering event and every loss feels like a funeral.
PFT CommenterThere is nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs
And there's nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs. It's awful. You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.
PFT also pointed out that while the atmosphere in Canadian barns is unmatched, the actual advantage of playing at home might be a myth.
PFT CommenterHome ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs
You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.
Switching to the hardwood, Big Cat is officially "hashtag done" complaining about the Bulls' front office. He’s shifting all that energy into a belief that Chicago can actually make some noise against Boston.
Big CatThe Bulls will give the Celtics a really good series in the playoffs
I think the Bulls are going to give the Celtics a really good series.
Football Guy Activities and Conspiracy Theories
There is a brewing theory that the NFL is pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s with one of its biggest legends. After a suspiciously timed quote from John Madden regarding the Raiders moving to Las Vegas, Big Cat and PFT are convinced the league is just recycling hits.
Big CatJohn Madden has been dead for years and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR
The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR.
In more current NFL news, Bill Belichick continues to prove he is the final boss of the sport. While most people would be sweating a subpoena for a murder trial, Belichick treated it like an optional HR meeting.
PFT CommenterBill Belichick is a baller for skipping a subpoena to study film
He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.
Beyond the legal maneuvering, the guys looked at Tom Herman's hydration chart at Texas, which labels players with dark urine as "bad teammates." PFT, however, sees the medical downside as a competitive upside.
PFT CommenterPissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate
That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.
The Portnoy Household Civil War
In a historic first, Mr. Portnoy was joined by Mrs. Portnoy to air out forty-five years of grievances. We finally got the truth about Mr. Portnoy’s driving habits, his inability to grill without a gallon of lighter fluid, and his strange tendency to face his wife toward the wall when they go out dancing so he can watch the room. Despite the list of complaints, Mr. Portnoy insists he’s entered a new era of domestic capability.
Big CatI am on a hot streak of fixing things around the house
In the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them... I've even amazed myself. And you know what the key to it is? It's like anything else. When you get a little more confident, I'm willing to take a chance that I won't break what I'm trying to fix.
That confidence apparently extends to his technical prowess as well, even if his understanding of how Wi-Fi travels between a phone and an iPad is still a work in progress.
Mr. PortnoyI have become a whiz at the computer recently
I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.
Around the Horn
Uncle Chaps dropped by to read some of the most brutal roasts yet from the iTunes reviews, including one that described Big Cat’s voice as an adult film star's fake orgasm. After the dust settled, the guys turned their attention to the Detroit Lions' new gray uniforms. Big Cat is officially exhausted by the internet’s need to hate everything the moment it drops.
Big CatInternet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything
This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.
Hank also took us through a "Hot in the Streets" regarding Coachella, which he describes as less of a music festival and more of a social media wasteland for people who like wearing feathers.
HankCoachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids
Coachella... It's gotten overrun, like completely blown out by mainstream people. It's burning man for millennial social media kids... where all the teens wear stupid sunglasses and feathers in their hair.
Finally, Pat McAfee joined for Jimbo of the Week to discuss the dangers of drinking from mystery water bottles while blacked out and the magnetic pull of airport casual dining.
PFT CommenterBuffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays
Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.
If you find yourself in an airport Chili's or B-Dubs this weekend, just remember to keep your urine clear and your JNCOs baggy.
