Takes

Brandon Weeden and Chris Weinke regressed because they won too many games in college

You've got players like spring chickens like your Brandon Weeden's and your Chris Weinke's, two young fellows that made it to the NFL, but they had won too many games in college, and they quickly regressed and kind of became garbage.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Joe Flacco is elite because he literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year, up until that point. The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

Nick Saban was right to not sign Drew Brees to the Dolphins

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins. He recruited Dante Culpepper. But in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder, it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. If Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like your Mike Wallace's and your Ndamukong Suh's that they're bringing to town.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Hitler would have been a Redskins or Cowboys fan

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder. And I could see him going the other way, though, actually. Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

There's no correlation between Obama and the Bears being 0-3

I think if you look at the correlation between the Bears and Obama, it's only a coincidence. I don't think that there's anything dastardly going on. A lot of people forget that Mike Ditka was actually running for Illinois State Senate against Obama back in the late 90s.

The elite Frankenstein quarterback starts with Johnny Unitas' flat top and Peyton Manning's forehead

If I'm building it from the top up, you've got to start with Johnny Unitas' flat top. You've got to go down to Peyton Manning's forehead, which would just be incredible with a flat top on it. I would do Joe Theismann's left leg, the good one. I go with Sammy Baugh's right leg. Ben Roethlisberger's crotch now that he's married. Brett Favre's crotch filling in. Tom Brady's brain for his cheating abilities. John Elway's arm. Joe Flacco's heart. And Joe Montana's intangibles.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.

Joe Montana was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl after a black quarterback won one

A lot of people forget this, but he was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl in NFL history after a black one won one.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

John Fox's name literally translates to 'Fox Toilet'

John Fox's name, look it up in the dictionary, literally translates to Fox Toilet. And if I were him, I'd be more worried about plumbers than numbers.

Danny Woodhead is not deceptively athletic, he's undeceptively athletic

Some people say that you're deceptively athletic, but I just think that you're undeceptively athletic, and it should be plain to anybody watching you.

PFT and Danny Woodhead are the same size so PFT could play in the NFL

That's actually about my exact size, too. You probably have a little bit more lean mass than I do. We're the same size, so basically you're saying that I could play in the NFL if I wanted to.

Danny Woodhead not getting a penalty is like Cal Ripken's streak but shouldn't be celebrated

I respect the fact that you have never been penalized in the NFL. I think it's impressive, but isn't it a little bit silly that people are celebrating you for not breaking the law? Like, it's sad that it's come to the point where you've got literally only one player in the league who plays by the rules. It's like I don't get an award if I complete my probation without breaking back into the pet store.