Takes

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Raiders win the Super Bowl

The Raiders are officially my pinky team. I don't know if we're gonna clap. We clapping for that? I guess. So if the Raiders win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of my pinky. I was through the half, I was like, the Cardinals are the greatest pinky team.

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think he might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Interim head coaches are the uncles of the sports world

These are interim head coaches and they are the best. They are the uncles of the sports world. They pull into town for a couple weeks when your old man's away on a business trip, and they let you have a beer if you introduce them to your hot teacher. You can learn more from six hours in a Hooters with your uncle than you do in six years with a guy that has to stick around to deal with the consequences.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Practice until there's a compound fracture to let players control practice length

Day two, we practice until there's a compound fracture. You let the players control how long they play. If there's an injury in the first five minutes, guess what? We're done. If it takes us two hours, we'll be out here all day.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys - all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

Replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog

And then what I do is I replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog. And if you can't fix it with a dose of prayer and duct tape, then I'm not sure I want your China doll ass on my team to begin with.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing - players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Locker rooms should have cruise ship mentality, not submarine mentality

People say that a locker room is like a submarine mentality. I want it to be above water, not below it. It's more of a cruise ship mentality. Water's cut off, there's shit on the deck, the buffet's out of everything except for Chinese Jell-O, and everyone's thirsty, but guess what? We're in it together.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to not be fit to coach the Browns?

How much of a liability do you have to be to alienate the Raiders? How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to have a group of people decide that you are not fit to coach the Browns?

Rob Ryan would be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself with a slingshot

He might be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself in the groin with a slingshot when he's challenging a fourth and short.

Masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity

I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.

Fox NFL Sunday theme song should be played at PFT's funeral

I'm on record that I want the Fox NFL Sunday music played on a loop at my funeral. That's how you'll know that I'm done and down for the count.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt - having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Jamal Charles ACL tear is only a hurt - kids should preemptively tear their ACLs

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer - he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Being 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point

A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

Blocked Andy Dalton on Twitter to maintain competitive fairness

I had to block Andy Dalton on Twitter, actually, because I feel like he was getting unfair tips and tricks from me. That was kind of like a Patriots thing he had going on, and he was stealing my ideas maybe, and maybe that's why you guys were so good.

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

NFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working

Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face. Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans.

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.

Brady's pee is excellence and getting peed on by him means second base with Giselle

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

Alex Smith's dad is Bruce Smith - people forget that

There's guys like Alex Smith, you know, his dad, Bruce Smith. People forget that.

More players should pull a John Elway and refuse to play for anyone but their hometown team

I don't know why more players don't come from college and pull a John Elway and pull themselves out of the draft and refuse to play for any other team except the one that is closest geographically to their hometown. That's what I would do. I guess I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than most people.

It's been a tough year for sub spokesmen - Jared and RG3

Looking back on the year, it's been a tough, tough year for sub spokesmen. You've got Jared and RG3.

Water makes you weak - real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

The Rams may have too many good players and not enough weak ones

You've got so many good players. Do you ever think maybe it's a concern that you maybe have too many good players and not enough weak ones?

Too many ducks not enough decoys

Too many ducks, not enough decoys is what I always say.

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment.

Belichick is probably already exploiting the groin hit technique before they change the rules

It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

Jeff Fisher's defense is bend but don't break - Chris Long's knee embodies it

That's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break. So you're embodying that terrifically.

Joe Flacco is not elite - Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

This is a God first league

You have to do that if you're an NFL player. This is a God first league.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Jason Witten with two sprained ankles is hurt, not injured

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.