PMT DB
PMT DB
PFT Commenter on Interim Head Coaches, Christianity, and Why Rob Ryan Deserves Better
PFT opens episode two of the Steam Room with an opening prayer that covers everything from global warming to fantasy football, immediately setting the tone for a show that has zero interest in staying on brand. Bill Simmons is on notice. This is a revolution.
The Interim Head Coach Thesis
The real MVPs of professional football aren't the star players—they're the interim head coaches, the uncles of the sports world who roll into town with chaos energy and zero accountability. When the Dolphins promoted tight ends coach Dan Campbell to interim HC, PFT recognized the textbook scenario: a high-energy guy ready to jolt a lethargic team back to life.
PFT CommenterInterim head coaches are the best part of the NFL
Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.
These guys bury footballs at midfield. They strip their pants in the locker room to demonstrate that the team is playing like assholes (shout-out Mike Singletary). They're the exceptions to every rule, and they work because they have nothing to lose.
PFT CommenterDan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl
I personally think [Dan Campbell] might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.
But here's where it gets weird. PFT's analogy of choice for interim head coaches? Jesus and Hitler, "neck and neck." Hitler got appointed Chancellor of the Fatherland in 1933—basically an interim gig—and he went a *little* overboard. Jesus also started as an interim coordinator, got promoted, and despite the whole Judas betrayal thing, ended up great in the long term. The comparison breaks down, obviously, but the point stands: interim coaches operate outside normal rules.
PFT CommenterHitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland
Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.
PFT CommenterInstead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should go back to make Hitler comparisons earlier
Maybe instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should figure out a way to make people go back in time so that we can be able to make comparisons to Hitler before Hitler rises to power. And a lot of people don't think about that type of thing, but I do.
The problem, as PFT diagnoses it, is that Dan Campbell might've shot his load too fast. Oklahoma drills on day one? Practice squad sacrifice on day one? Now what does day two look like? You've already set the bar impossibly high. PFT's solution: practice until someone gets a compound fracture, throw away the red no-contact jerseys ("all lives matter on my football team"), replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog, and turn off the water supply. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing.
PFT CommenterThrow away the red no-contact jerseys — all lives matter on my football team
I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.
PFT CommenterIf you're swallowing you're wallowing — players shouldn't need water breaks
I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.
Then there's Rob Ryan. How has Rob Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys—three institutions so dysfunctional they apparently decided he was too much of a wildcard to ever be given the interim title—never gotten a shot? It's an injustice. And PFT is willing to put his money where his mouth is.
PFT CommenterMasturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity
I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.
No Rob, no rub. Starting tomorrow.
Hurt vs. Injured
PFT's injury report segment establishes an important distinction: everybody gets hurt (nicked spinal cord, dislocated shoulder, normal stuff), but injured is when you can only play if you're insanely tough. J.J. Watt had a mystery illness before the game? That's a hurt disguised as an injury. In fact, having the flu is an advantage—you cough on the ball, the defense gets freaked out, they don't want to recover the fumble. It's a loophole.
PFT CommenterJ.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage
If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.
Jamal Charles tore his ACL. Now, PFT's argument here is genuinely unhinged: if Charles had been born without two ACLs, he wouldn't have spent his whole life relying on them. So maybe young players should preemptively tear both ACLs, like a Tommy John surgery for knees, to unlearn the bad habits before they go pro.
PFT CommenterKids should preemptively tear their ACLs like a Tommy John procedure
If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.
Johnny Manziel is a locker room cancer—not hurt, actually injured. He's infecting the entire team with locker room leukemia.
PFT CommenterJohnny Manziel is locker room cancer — he is injured
I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.
The Bengals Offensive Line Comes On
Two-fifths of the most undefeated offensive line in football call in: Clint Boling and Eric Winston from the Cincinnati Bengals. They're 6-0, which PFT immediately deflates by pointing out that every team has been undefeated at some point in the season. Is 6-0 really that impressive? Meanwhile, PFT notes he's also technically undefeated right now.
PFT CommenterBeing 6-0 isn't impressive because every team has been undefeated at some point
A lot of people forget that at some point this year, every single team has been undefeated. So is 6-0 really that impressive for you guys?
The conversation drifts into whether Andy Dalton is elite. Clint says no doubt, he's elite. PFT senses a paradigm shift—nobody's talking about Joe Flacco being elite anymore; it's all Andy. But PFT doesn't give out accolades this early. He's a January kind of guy.
PFT CommenterNFL players should get 'chubbed up' in the locker room to send a message of dominance to the rest of the league
I think it's almost like you got your inspiration from that one scene in Any Given Sunday when you've got the guy in the background in the shower and you can tell he's chubbed up a little bit because he knows that the camera's going to be. That's what you guys need to do, just to send a strong message to the rest of the AFC that you guys are for serious now.
When PFT reveals he blocked Andy Dalton on Twitter, the reason is serious: Dalton was getting unfair tips and tricks from PFT's posts. It's like a Patriots cheating situation. PFT had to maintain the integrity of the game.
The red hair thing comes up. Andy Dalton's red hair is basically a competitive advantage—no other QB can strut around like that. How do you game plan for it? You'd have to hire someone from Pete and Pete to scout team it. It's impossible.
PFT CommenterAndy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate
I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.
When asked about touchdown celebrations, both linemen suggest ridiculous dances. Eric Winston goes with the old Houston Oilers electric slide. Clint would do the truffle shuffle. PFT shoots them both down.
PFT CommenterNFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros
I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.
The conversation also touches on Andy Dalton at middle linebacker on defense, which Eric and Clint both think would be a good look. QBs should have to finish plays if they throw interceptions—show the defense who's boss.
The Religion Angle
PFT switches gears hard. Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You never hear a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. They're all praying at midfield, not playing "light as a feather, stiff as a board." The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And Jesus? Leading receiver of all time.
PFT CommenterNFL teams should scrimmage during the bye week to keep working
Teams should do a full contact scrimmage on Sunday during the bye week at any rate just to keep the work going.
Arian Foster is a noted atheist, which is essentially spiritual laziness. Atheism is the default setting for humans—the easy route. Players should convert to Christianity if they want to win.
Adam Jones would be an ideal quarterback because he wouldn't let anyone else touch the ball
I would say Adam Jones would be the quarterback for nothing else, that he wouldn't let anybody else have the ball. I would say that's probably why he would be the quarterback.
Andy Dalton would be a game-changing middle linebacker and defensive tone-setter
I think you'd really got to put Andy Dalton in the middle linebacker. He's really the tone setter of the team. And I think to really put him in the middle of the field to make all the calls and checks, I think that's just a real game changer.
The Woodhead Rap and Listener Calls
A listener named LRonMexico submitted a tribute rap about Danny Woodhead that is legitimately incredible—bars about his work ethic, his lunch pail mentality, his grit. It's the kind of thing that makes you believe in the internet again.
The comment section brings callers with hot takes. One guy wants DeAngelo Williams punished for wearing pink highlights. PFT's response: America cares about highlights on the field, not in the hair. But also, the NFL needs an awareness month for fans who *don't* have cancer, to be fair.
PFT CommenterAndy Dalton's red hair gives the Bengals an unfair competitive advantage
His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?
PFT CommenterThe correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before
Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.
Another caller suggests building a giant door on the border to tell undocumented workers to leave. PFT's counter-take is better: build a wall *around* Washington D.C., keep the politicians in, and let everyone else do whatever they want outside. It's how he used to babysit his brother.
PFT CommenterChristians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination
Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.
A final caller asks the question that's been burning him up: would you rather have Peyton Manning shit on your foot or Tom Brady piss on both your hands? PFT breaks it down with the transitive property of genitalia: if Brady pees on him, he's technically gotten to second base with Gisele.
PFT CommenterArian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play
Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face.
Chris Long Interview
Chris Long from the St. Louis Rams joins for a lightning round. He played high school football, comes from a football family (brother Jake was the #1 pick, father Howie played for the Bears, uncle Chuck Long was a QB). The conversation touches on BMOC status, his hometown sandwiches in Charlottesville, and his Waterboys initiative for clean water in East Africa.
PFT questions whether building wells is the right move when Chris could be building gyms instead. But the waterboys.org campaign is solid. PFT even offers to donate a percentage of t-shirt sales from strongtakes.com.
L. Ron MexicoDanny Woodhead Has Never Done Drugs And Has Never Been To Jail
Never smokes drugs, never been to jail.
When discussing the loud Seattle crowd, Chris mentions you can't hear your coaches, which was actually a blessing when the Rams were bad. The Rams have such a talented defensive line that they've failed at having weak links. PFT's philosophy: too many ducks, not enough decoys.
On technique, PFT and his high school teammate Ladder suggest defensive linemen practice against little people to work on pad level, and—more importantly—the Jimmy Tap technique. When rushing the QB off the edge, instead of going straight at him, angle inside and hit him in the testicles with a quick tap.
L. Ron MexicoDanny Woodhead Never Gets Hurt And Never Fumbles
Not afraid of dirt, and always keeps it humble. Never gets hurt, and never even fumbles.
It's a fundamentally unsound technique that the NFL hasn't cracked down on yet, and it absolutely would get in a quarterback's head. Belichick's probably already using it.
Chris mentions he's in rehab for being addicted to hard work and hyperextending his knee. PFT shouts it out as perfectly embodying Jeff Fisher's "bend but don't break" defense and creates a Spotify playlist called "Success Isn't Owned, It's Leased, and Rent is Due Every Day"—mostly Fort Minor.
The Joe Flacco Serial Parody
The episode closes with PFT's Serial parody investigating whether Joe Flacco is elite. The hook: Flacco's 2013 Super Bowl contract was suspicious. The blackout at the Superdome? Ray Nagin spending the city's electricity budget on daiquiris and bribes. And then there's the 15-minute gap where Flacco disappeared entirely—no stats, no record of his whereabouts.
L. Ron MexicoThe Only Flag Woodhead Has Ever Drawn Is Of The U.S.A.
Only flag he ever draws is of the U.S.A. If you a mouthy linebacker, then you must pay.
L. Ron MexicoDanny Woodhead Goes Straight To The House Every Time
Which way did he go? Which way did he go? Straight to the motherfucking house!
L. Ron MexicoQuarterbacks Are Overpaid — Just Hand It To Woodhead
Overpaid quarterback with the eight-figure salary. Hand it to the man with the Energizer battery.
Could Flacco have orchestrated his own Super Bowl victory to secure that six-year, $120 million contract? You can't make this stuff up. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.
