Takes

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

The NFL needs an awareness month for fans who don't have cancer

I think at the same token, the NFL needs to also have an awareness month for their fans who don't have cancer, to be fair.

Build a wall around Washington DC instead of the border

A wall is not going to keep people from invading our country at all. What we need to do is we need to actually build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep everybody in. We tell them, hey, we're building this to protect you from invaders and immigration. But in reality, we've got them right where we want them and where we can keep an eye on them. And then all of us on the outside get to do whatever the hell we want.

Brady's pee is excellence and getting peed on by him means second base with Giselle

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Brandon Weeden and Chris Weinke regressed because they won too many games in college

You've got players like spring chickens like your Brandon Weeden's and your Chris Weinke's, two young fellows that made it to the NFL, but they had won too many games in college, and they quickly regressed and kind of became garbage.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Nick Saban was right to not sign Drew Brees to the Dolphins

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins. He recruited Dante Culpepper. But in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder, it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. If Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like your Mike Wallace's and your Ndamukong Suh's that they're bringing to town.

Hitler canceling football seasons is an underrated bad thing he did

If you really like football, he probably wouldn't have started World War II, which de facto canceled the 1942 through 1944 NFL seasons. It wasn't called the NFL, but he canceled football. So in the first place, that's kind of fucked up. And nobody really talks about that when they're talking about all the bad stuff Hitler did. So I'd like to kind of raise a little bit of awareness there.

Hitler would have been a Redskins or Cowboys fan

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder. And I could see him going the other way, though, actually. Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

There's no correlation between Obama and the Bears being 0-3

I think if you look at the correlation between the Bears and Obama, it's only a coincidence. I don't think that there's anything dastardly going on. A lot of people forget that Mike Ditka was actually running for Illinois State Senate against Obama back in the late 90s.

Mike Ditka would have beaten Obama in a debate and maybe become president

To be a fly on the wall at those debates would have been all time. There's no way that Ditka loses. No chance at all. Obama starts talking about mumbo jumbo about how vouchers destroy inner city schools. And Ditka just pulls out a Super Bowl ring and sticks it in his face and lights a cigar. And maybe Mike Ditka would be president of the United States now.

Ditka's would-be supporters went on to root for Donald Trump after having a stroke

Instead, I guess he's got all of his supporters that would go on to root for Donald Trump after they had a stroke or something.

The elite Frankenstein quarterback starts with Johnny Unitas' flat top and Peyton Manning's forehead

If I'm building it from the top up, you've got to start with Johnny Unitas' flat top. You've got to go down to Peyton Manning's forehead, which would just be incredible with a flat top on it. I would do Joe Theismann's left leg, the good one. I go with Sammy Baugh's right leg. Ben Roethlisberger's crotch now that he's married. Brett Favre's crotch filling in. Tom Brady's brain for his cheating abilities. John Elway's arm. Joe Flacco's heart. And Joe Montana's intangibles.

Sammy Baugh led the league in interceptions while also being a punter and quarterback

A lot of people forget that Sammy Baugh was a punter and also a quarterback and also led the league in interceptions. You don't see that too much because players are pussies nowadays.

Joe Montana was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl after a black quarterback won one

A lot of people forget this, but he was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl in NFL history after a black one won one.