Takes

The Chargers need a playoff win for this season to be a success

We need a playoff win. You need a playoff win. We need one bad but last year we had like the easiest schedule in the league and this year it's pretty difficult.

Chris Sale's Tommy John surgery timing is actually good for the Red Sox

I feel like it's a good thing because the MLB season probably never going to happen. So he's going to be able to basically get a free year. He's going to get all the rest and recovery he needs.

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Tim Tebow should retire from all sports

Tim Tebow is out for the year and he should probably just retire from all sports... It's over. PFT, it's over. I've firmly been in the Tim Tebow is not a baseball player. This is all a gimmick in a carnival act. And he should probably just stick to doing TV.

Antonio Brown's foot injury is likely serious because the reports say it isn't

Every report about Antonio Brown's feet says, couches it with, they don't think it's going to be serious. That means it's probably going to be serious.

Bartolo Colon is not a Hall of Famer despite his longevity and wins

Bartolo Colon is one of those guys that we should make a special rule where he should get to start one game for every single team for an entire season. ... Not a Hall of Famer, but a very good, memorable pitcher. He has more families than home runs. Four-time All-Star and a Cy Young in 2005. That's pretty damn good. Good job for you, Bartolo.

You have to bet on the Steelers when Ben Roethlisberger thinks he is injured

This actually, if you are a betting man, and we are, you have to take the Steelers this weekend. Because an injured Big Ben, or even a Big Ben who thinks he's injured... always is dangerous.

The Eagles will miss the playoffs because Nick Foles and Carson Wentz are both injured

So when I'm doing the math, I think the Eagles just have two hurt quarterbacks for the entire year, and they're going to miss the playoffs. Hot take.

Clay Matthews might be over the hill because of his slow reaction time

I think Clay Matthews might be over the hill because his reaction time was really bad. It was pretty slow. Really slow. This was a softball... You should be able to get your glove up.

Matt Harvey will regain his form and have a good season now that he's left the Mets

Matt Harvey's going to still have a good year in his career left simply because it's the Mets... If you're a team looking for a pitcher, you should probably take a flyer on Matt Harvey because it would just be so perfect Mets for Matt Harvey to regain his form.

The new Monday Night Football booth will be Joe Tessitore, Jason Witten, and Booger McFarland

Booger, he got the gig as first reported by me. The Monday Night Football gig. So it's going to be Booger, Jason Witten, and then [Joe Tessitore]... as far as I know, the first to say it was me.

Kyrie Irving will be back and fine for the first round of the playoffs

He'll be back in three weeks, first round of the playoffs, no problem... Once [the debris is] out, he's completely fine.

The Warriors' greatness allows them to openly disrespect the rest of the league

I love any team that reaches that level of greatness where they can blatantly just spit in your face and say, you're not going to beat us... We get drunk. We can skip games. We skip practices. This is all just a formality for us because when it comes to the playoffs, we're going to kick your ass.

Sam Bradford is officially 'injured' because wear and tear on a knee is a significant injury

I'm going to say this is actually injured. Like, wear and tear is, that's significant. That's a full injury.

Sam Bradford is the first player who isn't 'injured', he is just always hurt

He's [Bradford] not injured. He he's just, injured all the time. He's just always hurt. Yeah, so then you come home after a day of darting and you're like, I'm not drunk. I'm fine... That's what Sam Bradford's knee is. It's the new normal.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

The Nationals have the most potent offense in baseball

Shout out to future hall of famer Dan Haren because on this same podcast on Wednesday he said the nationals have the most potent offense in baseball boom so next day [they hit 8 home runs].

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

If you get injured outside of your sport, you should have to play that other sport until you get a sports-related injury

I've always said that if you get injured in a manner outside of the sport that you play, you should be forced to continue playing the sport until you develop a sports-related injury. So this guy, [Tyson Barrie], he got hurt wrestling... keep skating out there until it devolves into a massive hockey injury.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

Tony Romo is the biggest sucker alive for believing Jerry Jones would be loyal to him.

Is Tony Romo the last person in the world to realize this was what was going to happen? He's like a high schooler in this situation. He actually thought that Jerry Jones was going to be like, hey, Tony, don't worry. We'll take care of you, man. We're not going to do what's in the best interest of the Dallas Cowboys.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Being tired is a more hardcore injury than a broken bone for a 32-year-old

As someone who's 32 years old, being tired, I would rather have a broken bone than be tired. Being tired is the most hardcore injury that I have these days.

Joel Embiid will stop being funny on Twitter when he starts playing poorly or getting hurt more

I predicted like a month ago how Joel would not be so funny on Twitter when he starts fucking up. So this is the first one. He's injured like every other day. He's got a lot of time to go back and forth. Take away his umlaut over the Joel. You're just Joel now.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a good thing for his job security

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL.

RG3 will dislocate his pelvis on Sunday

I'm going to go injured. I think he dislocates the pelvis. It's the big one. It's like the San Andreas quake. A lot of tremors the last few years.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Rob Gronkowski might retire at 69 touchdowns just for the joke

Rob Gronkowski might retire just for the joke... No, but it's like a destiny thing. It really is a destiny thing. I don't think he wants to retire, but it's written in the stars.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

Terrelle Pryor is the Cleveland Browns' best quarterback option because everyone else will get injured

So they asked him if he was going to be willing to play quarterback because obviously if you're a Cleveland Browns quarterback, it's like being in the movie Final Destination. They've already lost two. They've got [Cody] Kessler. So Kessler is going to get hurt this weekend, too. And they said, Terrell, would you play? And he goes, I cut my finger off for the team.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott, your backup. Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker. He's kind of like a Mike Vick type.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

Cyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury

So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

The European Union is hurt, not injured, following Brexit and will make a major comeback

The EU, in my opinion, is hurt. I don't think that they're injured. This is a minor setback for a major comeback... The EU is going to get back on that horse. They're going to bring in like Turkey and Russia and really get Britain's attention and Britain will be like, yeah, we fucked up. I'm sorry. Can I have you back? Things will get back together.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

Dying as a champion racehorse is better than living as an old-timer in a pasture

I would say that that's more of a hurt [than an injury] because if you die a legend like that after winning a race, your legacy lives on longer than anybody else... You don't remember him as some old-timer getting jerked off in a pasture somewhere.

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Pablo Sandoval will be just as good from the right side as the left side next year

So his right hand is going to be getting a lot of exercise. He's got a wipe, J-O, you name it... flash forward to next season, he might be just as good from the right side as he is from the left. So keep an eye on that.

Russell Westbrook is an All-Star, not a NBA Superstar

Westbrook? All-star. I agree with [Mark] Cuban. Not a superstar. My criteria for superstar is a superstar has at least like 10 million Chinese people wearing their shoes.

Carmelo Anthony is a bum

Carmelo? He's a bum. ... He's a bum on the Knicks. And he wears bum hats.

Anthony Davis is a bum because he can't get a date on Tinder

Anthony Davis? He's a bum. He's a bum right now. Did you see him on the thing with Tinder? He was saying he couldn't get a date. Now let me ask this: does an all-star, a star, a superstar ever not be able to get a date? Anthony Davis is a bum.

Jimmy Butler is a bad leader and a bum

Jimmy Butler is an all-star, but he's also – he's got a couple bum qualities in him that have pissed me off. ... He's an all-star who thinks he's a superstar, which then makes that part of his brain bum-like. ... He is the leader of the Bulls now, yes, but he's a bad leader. ... All right, fine. He's a bum star.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.