PMT DB
PMT DB
Blake Bortles and Trill Ballins on The Open, Baby Names, and Baldness
Big Cat is battling the Sunday Scaries with a move to New York on the horizon, while PFT Commenter is dreading a trip to Cleveland for the RNC. The vibes are slightly apocalyptic, leading PFT Commenter to already plan his succession should he not make it back from Ohio.
PFT CommenterI want to be replaced by a parrot if I die in Cleveland
If I do die in Cleveland... I want a parrot... play old episodes of Pardon My Take for the parrot... put it in front of a microphone and you talk to it and it'll just basically do the same shitty takes that we've done for the past three months. Nobody will even know that it's not me anymore.
Recessive Clutch Genes and Popcorn Muscles
Stenson took home the Claret Jug at the Open Championship, but the focus was entirely on Phil Mickelson finishing in second place yet again. Big Cat noted that while Phil has won before, his tendency to be the bridesmaid suggests something deeper in his DNA.
Big CatPhil Mickelson is the first person with a recessive clutch gene
Phil [Mickelson] has a clutch gene because he's won a championship, but I think he might be the first person with a recessive clutch gene. You know how a redhead... you'll blow the redhead that pops up in your family. He's got the recessive clutch gene because he so often finishes second.
PFT CommenterPhil Mickelson choked away another major championship
Anytime you got Phil [Mickelson] finishing in second, the storyline is Phil Mickelson choked away another one. Let's focus where it needs to be because it's always fun to make fun of Phil for being always the bridesmaid, never the bride guy.
Beyond Phil, the talk centered on Rory McIlroy’s struggles, specifically Johnny Miller’s theory that Rory is too jacked for his own good. Big Cat agreed that the "popcorn muscles" and tight shirts are likely a hindrance to a smooth swing.
Big CatRory McIlroy's tight shirts and muscle mass are hurting his golf game
I think it's probably the most correct take I've ever heard dude you ever hear of popcorn muscles yeah that's what [Rory McIlroy] has got. And if you think about a golf swing actually wearing a really tight shirt probably has some effect on it right?
Mount Rushmore of Millennial Baby Names
Twitter legend Trill Ballins joined for a heated Mount Rushmore of millennial yuppie baby names. The guys targeted parents who try to manufacture individuality through creative spelling or pseudo-intellectualism. Trill went straight for the jugular with "Harper," calling out parents who haven't read a book since high school.
Trill BallinsParents name their kids Harper to falsely signal that they are well-read
My first one is Harper. I think a lot of people are naming their kids Harper. The reason this one makes me mad is it's kind of like a fake I'm really into book's name. I read that book that everyone read in high school [To Kill a Mockingbird], and it was a really good book even though that was the last book I read.
Other notable entries included Jackson (with an X), Jaden, and Big Cat’s specific hatred for names where you can't tell the sex of the child, like Parker or Hunter. Hank attempted to contribute with "iOS" and "Yosemite," proving once again that he is living in a different reality.
Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club
The second meeting of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club got off to a rocky start as the group realized reading two pages a month might be too much homework. This month’s topics were Male Pattern Baldness and the John Thomas Sign. PFT Commenter offered some agricultural theories on why wearing a helmet might be thinning Blake's hair.
PFT CommenterWearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow
If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.
Big Cat pointed out that Blake’s profession might actually be the culprit, citing a specific section of the Wikipedia entry that links brain power to hair loss.
Big CatIntellectual activity can cause baldness
Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.
Blake took the news in stride, already weighing his options for the future as his hairline retreats.
Blake BortlesI will either get hair plugs or grow a beard to deal with my balding
I think, I mean, it's just one or the other. You got to go either that route [hair plugs] or you go the, I'm just going to own it and grow out a beard and just try and look like a badass.
Things got medical when they pivoted to the John Thomas Sign, which is essentially the "penis pointing to the injury" rule on X-rays. PFT Commenter used this scientific breakthrough to explain why Brett Favre was the most durable player in NFL history.
PFT CommenterBrett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign
If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.
Hurt or Injured and Pat Riley's Health
In a quick-hit segment of Hurt or Injured, the guys looked at MMA fighter Cyborg Santos, who suffered a literal dent in his skull. While it looked gruesome, Big Cat is convinced he'll be back on the mat soon because of the Russell Westbrook precedent.
Big CatCyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury
So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.
Johnny Manziel also made the PR 101 segment for being spotted playing Pokemon Go in a club. PFT Commenter thinks the nerd factor is a massive red flag for NFL front offices and offered some simple advice for Johnny to reclaim his alpha status.
PFT CommenterNFL teams will view Johnny Manziel as a nerd for playing Pokemon Go
Manziel was at a club. ... But he was playing Pokemon inside a club. And this is a pretty bad look for Johnny. ... well now NFL teams are going to be like, we don't want to hire him. He's a nerd.
PFT CommenterJohnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader
My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.
Finally, the show introduced a grim new segment focused on the Miami Heat front office. Big Cat is genuinely concerned about Pat Riley after hearing about the executive's inability to send a simple electronic message to Dwyane Wade.
Big CatPat Riley is going to die soon because it's taking him 10 days to write a single email
Pat Riley's going to die soon. He's still taking this Dwyane Wade thing pretty hard. And he said Pat hasn't spoken to Dwyane post-decision yet. He said, 'I've been crafting a very long email to him.' He's been writing an email for like 10 days now. I feel like that's the end. When you're just sitting there with an open Word document... Pat Riley's going to die soon.
At least we know if Pat goes, he'll do it with a perfectly slicked back head of hair and a very expensive suit.
