Takes

The original 'IT' and 'The Shining' are the only good scary movies

The problem is scary movies, I feel like, are always shitty movies, but a really good scary movie, like the original IT, was great... and The Shining, that is fucking awesome.

Razors in Halloween candy is a total myth

That's fake news. That never happens. You hear it every year, and you're like, parents, be careful... That's not true. There's nobody out there that's ever done the razor trick, in my opinion.

If you are a true American, you should celebrate Independence Day on July 2nd

The United States actually legally declared independence on July 2nd. So that's really – if you're really American, you should be celebrating on July 2nd.

Thomas Jefferson forged signatures on the Declaration of Independence to look cool

I'm a big 7-4 truther because I don't think that all these guys actually signed the Declaration of Independence because only a few people could actually write back then. And all the handwriting looks very similar to me. I'm thinking that a lot of the signatures were actually forged by Thomas Jefferson just so that it would look like he had a bunch of people that supported his cause so he'd look cool.

Philadelphia is the only city in the world that smells worse now than it did when people defecated in the streets

Philadelphia is actually somehow the only city in the world that has gotten increasingly worse smelling even though everyone used to shit in the street and wear wool in the middle of August. That's a fact.

Mexico saved the Union in the Civil War by preventing a French-Confederate alliance at the Battle of Puebla.

If France had defeated Mexico in that battle [Puebla], France was going to take the side of the Confederacy in the U.S. Civil War. And so Mexico kind of saved the United States.

Moonlight is the favorite to win Best Picture because Hollywood loves movies about poor people

Moonlight's my favorite to win, and here is why... Hollywood loves movies about poor people. They just love it because it makes [them feel] like, oh, wow, look at these people struggling. We can really relate to that, all of us in our Hollywood bubble. Let's wear tuxedos and talk about poor people.

Hidden Figures is a secret prequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey and the Terminator franchise

So it's technically a prequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. These three women, they invented Hal, the evil computer. And they invented Skynet. This is actually the pre-prequel to Terminator 1 and 2.

Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is the hottest any woman has ever been in a movie

I'm going Rachel McAdams just because I would throw it out there that Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers is like the hottest woman has ever been as a character. She was wifey material there.

The only way to avoid male pattern baldness is to murder your grandfather before he loses his hair

Yeah, the only way to not inherit male pattern baldness from your mom's father is if you murder him before he goes bald.

Thanksgiving should be a full holiday, not just a meal as Will Muschamp suggests

Will Muschamp came out and said for South Carolina, Thanksgiving's a meal, not a day. We're going to practice in the morning... I also totally disagree with that. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and it is fully worth having a full day for.

I will get a Wikipedia Club tattoo if we all get one

If we all get one, I'm 100% in. [Maybe this weekend in Chicago] I agree. Oh, let's do it. All right. We talked ourselves. God damn it.

As a GM, I'm not drafting any player who takes only one piece of candy from a 'please take one' bowl; you want someone who takes the whole thing

As a GM, I'm not drafting anybody who takes one and walks out. [I'm taking the whole thing immediately]. That's a winner's mentality. Take what they give you.

If you hand out fruit for Halloween instead of candy, you deserve to have something thrown at your house

There was a big phase that people in my neighborhood went through for some reason about giving out fruit. Like trying to change the generation of what they eat. And it was like, if you gave us fruit, you were getting something thrown at you.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

I'm an 'over' guy for toilet paper orientation

I would say... I'm pretty certain I'm an under guy... [Wait], I switched up. I'm now over. [Because it] reduces the risk of accidentally brushing the wall or cabinet with one's knuckles.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

People who stand and wipe have 'poop in their butt' for life

People who stand and wipe, they do not get a clean wipe, and they end up walking around their entire life with poop in their butt.

I prefer non-alcoholic apple cider to the alcoholic versions

I would prefer, actually, a non-alcoholic cider to an alcoholic cider. I don't like alcoholic ciders... I don't like cider like Red's Apple.

I've been a whole milk drinker my entire life

I've drank whole milk my whole life and like still... I just thought everybody drank whole milk. Um, because that's what my mom and it was always like, yeah, it'll make your bones really strong.

Philip Rivers is a homeschool guy who doesn't trust the government to educate his children

Phil Rivers... that's a guy that does not trust the government to educate his children. No. His 15 children.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

Christians get circumcised and then receive their 'big boy pants' as a rite of passage

Jewish people get circumcised and here's a pair of pants. [Big Cat]: That's exactly how they do it. Timeline is not exactly right on that, but we're going to – you know what? Close enough.

Football pants should actually be called 'football shorts'

I think football pants are shorts. I think they should be called football shorts.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

The Jaguars have a better chance of making the playoffs than the Bears or Bills

[Big Cat]: Which of those three [Bears, Bills, Jaguars] do you think have the best chance of going to the playoffs? [Blake Bortles]: I would have to say us.

The Jaguars will have a better season in 2016 than they did in 2015

You guys [the Jaguars] are going to have a better year than last year. That's just my take.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

I will either get hair plugs or grow a beard to deal with my balding

I think, I mean, it's just one or the other. You got to go either that route [hair plugs] or you go the, I'm just going to own it and grow out a beard and just try and look like a badass.

Brett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign

If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.

When playing in Cleveland, you should throw to the side of the field farthest from the lake to avoid lake-effect snow

One thing that jumped off the page at me was the part about lake effect snow... as something that you can take away and practice from this, when you play up in Cleveland, throw the football to the side of the field that's farthest away from the lake to avoid the snow as much as possible.

The Wikipedia author for 'Snow' was lazy for omitting God from the entry

They didn't talk about God at all in the snow entry. And it's like, why are you going to leave out the main protagonist in your writing? I thought that the author was kind of lazy in leaving that part out.

It is a myth that no two snowflakes are the same

It's actually not true that no two snowflakes are the same. Did you guys know that? I did not know that... But in 1988, a scientist found two identical snow crystals that came from the same storm in Wisconsin.

The viral Jaguars 'lady' fan should be given sideline passes and locker room access

I mean, she needs to be, like, sideline pass minimum, possibly in the locker room. [Big Cat: If you want to win some nice internet PR, go viral, let's get Jacksonville Jaguars lady some season tickets on Blake Bortles.]

Teams playing in Seattle should use snow machines to drown out the crowd noise

I also learned that snow is a sound absorber. So like if you ever have a game up in Seattle, I don't know if you can like rent a snow machine, but to kind of drown out the crowd noise a little bit, maybe you could just like drop a bunch of snow on them.

Snow can be used to put out fires because it is technically water

I mean, I feel like scientifically it's got to [put out a fire], right? Because it's technically water. I read the first paragraph. And it said form of water, so I figured it took some pretty deep thinking.

Igloos can be over 100 degrees warmer on the inside than the outside

Igloos can be more than 100 degrees warmer inside than outside. Wow. That is impressive. That's just a wow moment that you need to let sink in for a second.

A college team like Alabama could potentially beat a professional NFL team

Doesn't that say that maybe after all, like an Alabama football team could beat some professional football teams? [Blake Bortles: Yeah, I mean, I guess it's kind of like the miracle on ice back in the day. You know, I guess there's always a possibility.]

The team's kicker would be the best choice for a coxswain role

Personality-wise, a long snapper would be perfect for [coxswain], but... long snappers usually aren't that small, so I'd probably say it'd have to be our kicker.

I am a negative John Thomas sign candidate

I just want you guys to know that I'm actually a negative John Thomas sign candidate... [PFT: So your penis points away from your injuries.] That's correct.

Forty percent of women experience male pattern baldness

Hey, but also, small spoiler, 40% of women experience it... male pattern baldness.

Joining the Wikipedia club will help you get at least two correct answers on Jeopardy in the next six months

I guarantee you that by joining our [Blake Bortles] Wikipedia club you're going to get like at least two correct answers in Jeopardy over the next six months. This is going to come in so handy for you, like way more practical than Andrew [Luck's book club].