I want to be replaced by a parrot if I die in Cleveland

If I do die in Cleveland... I want a parrot... play old episodes of Pardon My Take for the parrot... put it in front of a microphone and you talk to it and it'll just basically do the same shitty takes that we've done for the past three months. Nobody will even know that it's not me anymore.

Phil Mickelson is the first person with a recessive clutch gene

Phil [Mickelson] has a clutch gene because he's won a championship, but I think he might be the first person with a recessive clutch gene. You know how a redhead... you'll blow the redhead that pops up in your family. He's got the recessive clutch gene because he so often finishes second.

Phil Mickelson choked away another major championship

Anytime you got Phil [Mickelson] finishing in second, the storyline is Phil Mickelson choked away another one. Let's focus where it needs to be because it's always fun to make fun of Phil for being always the bridesmaid, never the bride guy.

The 4-1 loss to Belgium was the worst USMNT performance in years

That was the worst performance from the US that I've seen in years. Just completely lackluster from the start. So much blame to go around. Tim Ream, friend of the program, good guy over the hill, turned into soccer Shawn Bradley before our very eyes got dunked on twice.

Christian Pulisic was a 'no-show' and looked like he didn't care against Belgium

Christian Pulisic, the long anointed Captain America future face of this league for American soccer. Absolute no show of a game, I would say worse than a no show of a game. And then he checks himself out. Just looks lackluster, looks like he doesn't care at all. Had the most turnovers on the field of anybody. That played just really, really, really bad.

The US will never close the skill gap compared to the rest of the world in soccer

People will never close the skill gap. USA will never close the skill gap compared to the rest of the world in soccer.