Takes

The Washington Football Team paid for Twitter bots to praise Dan Snyder

I started to notice that over the last two days, there were a shitload of accounts that had been created in October of 2020 that were all tweeting things about Dan Snyder. It'll shock you to find out that there are more than likely hundreds of bots that were all created around the same time to just heap praise on Dan Snyder. Dan Snyder, essentially, somebody in the Redskins organization paid for a shitload of Twitter bots to just do nothing all day but tweet praise for Dan Snyder.

Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen intentionally leaked that Yoenis Cespedes was missing to spite him

He knew that Cespedes packed up his shit and left because he was opting out but he used to be Cespedes's Agent and so he's pissed that Yoenis ended up signing with Roc Nation. And so now he's like feeding all this shit into the media... first thought if somebody just ditches the Mets you don't immediately suspect that they're dead.

The Mississippi state flag should feature the logo of the most recent Egg Bowl winner

It should be if depending on who wins the Egg Bowl that year if it's Ole Miss or if it's Mississippi State their logo gets to go in the upper left-hand Corner the flag for the remainder that year... that would be incredible the flagpole.

Jamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape

PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

If you are a man with a fat face, you must have high-volume hair to distract people from your cheeks

If you're a bigger guy, you need to have your hair have as much volume as possible to hide the fact that you have a fat face. When you put on a hat, it always makes your face look fatter. All the focus goes to your fat fucking cheeks. So you need to have hair, just crazy hair, to take away. Hair and beard are a fat guy's best friend.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving to Canada as part of a British monarchy plan to retake dominance over the country

I think that this is the British monarchy trying to retake over Canada... Canada is like four Greenlands put together... This is the United Kingdom trying to retake over and establish dominance over Canada.

I will fight anyone who is genuinely mad about John Rothstein's texts

If you have a problem with John Rothstein texting good luck and most of the time getting left just completely ignored by the coach, come fight us. I will actually punch somebody... open invite to anyone who is mad about this genuinely mad. If you have to actually be mad, we will fight you.

If you are threatening to fight someone on Twitter, you must give your home address, not the team facility

My problem with what [Jermaine Whitehead] did. Not that he threatened people... My problem is he said meet me at this address and then gave the facility address. If you tell someone to meet you somewhere. It has to be your house, right? Man up.

NFL players can't just claim to have a broken hand on social media if it's not on the injury report

He's joking playing with a broken hand because that's something you like should actually be able to tell everyone like hey actually have a broken hand. They're making me play was he on the injury report? No, I don't know. So middle Freddie kitchens might be in trouble.

Texas should trademark 'Horns Down' to sue people instead of complaining

Texas should just trademark the phrase 'horns down' and the motion 'horns down'. That way when everybody does it, they can actually sue them instead of just crying about it.

I could beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now because of his injury

Right now, I could probably beat him [Kevin Durant] one-on-one. I could absolutely beat Kevin Durant one-on-one right now.

Christian Yelich will ruin his swing if he participates in the Home Run Derby

Real talk. It's going to mess up his swing if he competes in the home run derby... You're going to fuck up your swing.

Jon Gruden uses helmet stickers at the Senior Bowl because he can't remember players' names

Jon Gruden clearly is doing this because he can't remember anyone so he's like... just marking everyone with a Raider tag because he was not going to remember who he liked or not.

Derrick Rose's 'kill yourself' comment was not a slip of the tongue

Derrick Rose said, 'everyone that thinks that it's going to stop, kill yourself.' ... He then doubled down on it. He said, 'like I said before, kill yourself.' ... When you say it twice, you don't get the slip of the tongue tag. When you double down, the slip of the tongue doesn't work anymore.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

It is great for golf that Patrick Reed is a villain everyone hates

Patrick Reed, though, he is the bad boy of golf. And I love this because this just keeps his street cred just keeps going up, up, and up. Everyone hates him. Guess what? It's fucking golf. ... It's actually great to have a bad guy in golf.

Tiger Woods will win every major championship next year

I'm a Tiger guy. I want Tiger to win every tour major championship next year, but if it's not Tiger, I want Patrick Reed just to piss everyone off.

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

Robinson Cano took steroids specifically to heal his broken wrist faster

He broke his wrist like a week ago, and now he has... That was pretty quick of him to do steroids for the recovery. Got to admire the hustle. That's Andy Pettitte-like hustle to the pharmacy.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Eating steroid-contaminated meat is a smart off-season move for athletes

Canelo Alvarez, who tested positive for steroids. And he said it was actually because he was eating too many Mexican cows. ... I actually think this played. ... that's actually a smart thing to do is you just go in the off season, eat Mexican cows, and then when you get busted, be like, well, sorry. All I did was eat Mexican cows.

Lonzo Ball needs to fix his shot after losing to Bow Wow

If you lose to Lil' Bow Wow with no shoes on, you have to then go fix your shot. ... I know everyone says, oh, don't mess with Lonzo's game. [But] you have to then go fix your shot.

Jerry Richardson's heart transplant turned him evil

He actually has a built-in spin zone for himself because he got a heart transplant like five years ago. So it's the other guy's heart. It's not him. It turned him evil.

The NFL Network should hire Jeff Fisher to bring them back to mediocrity

Jeff Fisher, he brings the mediocrity back. So you're going from low... To right in the middle. I think Jeff Fisher's the perfect hire.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

The Braves will be 'fucked' for 10 years after their illegal scouting scandal

They ended up losing 12 of their minor league players to free agency. They just ripped up their contracts. So basically, the Braves are going to be absolutely fucked for the next 10 years.

OJ Simpson could redeem his public image by murdering Bill Cosby

If OJ wants to, if he really wants to be a success in America again, go kill Bill Cosby. So if OJ just straight up murdered Bill Cosby, I think you'd see a lot of people forgive him. Forgive and forget.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Lucky Whitehead will sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl

It's very clear that Lucky Whitehead's probably going to sign with the Patriots and win a Super Bowl ring. And we're all just going to be like, 'What the fuck?' I hope that happens.

Deontay Foreman should become a Second Amendment activist to resolve his PR issues in Texas

This is a very on-brand thing in Texas, to have a gun. Everyone's got a gun in Texas. Just become a huge Second Amendment guy. Deontay Foreman should go into the Houston Chipotle with an AR-15 strapped over your shoulder. ... Then I'm sure you'll get all the NRA people just absolutely 100% having their back.

Jamie Horowitz should have worn a hat to hide his large forehead

Jamie Horowitz... Definitely should have been a hat guy. Should have went with a big hat. He's got a large forehead, and I'm not saying that's why he got fired, but it's the Tom Crean, right? It's like you can't give them an extra reason to fire you... if you have a big forehead that just looks stupid.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

James Harden will definitely need PR 101 assistance again in the future

First up, we have a little PR 101 for James Harden, who I'm going to call my shot here. I think this isn't the last time we're going to have to do PR 101 for James Harden.

Robert Griffin III will definitely take pregnancy photos holding his girlfriend's stomach

Over under four and a half pictures of RG3 holding Greta's stomach on Instagram. [PFT]: Over. That's the easiest bet of all time. Smash that over... I would say like nine and a half is more like it.

Running backs are better when they are dumb because they don't feel pain

If you're a running back, guess what? I like my running backs dumb. They're better when they're dumb. There's a reason Barry Sanders retired early, and Emmitt Smith got the record, because Barry started realizing... When you're smarter, you can tell when your body's hurt, and then you're like, hey, I better not play football anymore. When you're dumb, you don't feel pain.

The US has never bombed a country that could play basketball

We've never bombed a country that could play basketball. It's true. It's the NBA war theory.

United Airlines should fix its PR by making people horny with porn links

If you make us horny, guess what? We're not angry anymore... Just tweet out porn. Be like, hey, it's now being reported that this guy was a porn freak or something. Be like, hey, you know who else was a porn freak? United. And then just start giving us free links.

Baker Mayfield will get NFL starts solely because of his name

I'm going to put a little flyer on Baker Mayfield. You guys know I'm a big name guy. All-time name. That name is going to get him some starts in the NFL. It's going to get him some places. People are going to take some shots with Baker Mayfield solely because of his name and then be like, ooh, maybe he's not that good.

Jameis Winston telling women to be silent and polite is hypocritical because he was told he had the right to remain silent

Well, it's a bit hypocritical that people are jumping down Winston's throat. When he was told that he had the right to remain silent, nobody said anything about it. But now he's telling women that, and I guess that's not fair.

The Dunk Contest is boring because there are a finite amount of body positions possible

It's not like the dunks aren't super impressive. It's just that we've seen every dunk. It's like watching porn. There's a finite amount of body positions that the human form can get into. Eventually, you just get bored with it.

The Bruins firing Claude Julien during the Patriots parade is the greatest PR 101 move ever

The Boston Bruins who fired Claude Julien... The morning of the New England Patriots parade and held a press conference during the parade. That is the greatest PR 101 story of all time.

Mark Wahlberg used his sick kid as an excuse to leave the Super Bowl early

That is an unbelievable story, the fact that he got exposed for leaving early and then threw his kid out there. ... The blame aspect is really strong in that.

A real American stays inside on Sunday and watches the Pro Bowl

Hey, you know what it means to be a real American? You stay inside on Sunday and you watch the Pro Bowl. Yeah, you watch the Pro Bowl. You bet on the Pro Bowl. That's what an American does.

Derrick Rose should use being hacked as an excuse for going missing

He didn't tweet anything. He didn't do anything wrong on the internet. So then just say you got hacked. My life got hacked.

Mark Dantonio's approach to fixing Michigan State's problems by 'firing himself' is a great PR move

Mark Dantonio... he fired himself, kind of. He said, to be honest with you, I've taken the approach of, hey, I'm a new coach coming in here. I'm going to fix the things that the other guy did last year... and that's how I'm going to take the approach.