PMT DB
PMT DB
Billy Football on Gen Z's Potential, Mr. Portnoy, and Mt. Flushmore Season
The world is currently without sports, which means Big Cat is losing his mind watching 1982 college basketball replays and PFT is ready to trade away the TV score ticker just to get live action back. While Big Cat is bargaining with himself over 1980s zone defenses and the lack of a three-point line, the reality of the post-Brady era is sinking in for Hank.
The Post-Brady Patriots
With Tom Brady officially a Buccaneer, the conversation turned to how Bill Belichick handles the vacuum. While Hank is busy watching Brady highlights and tearing up, Big Cat floated a theory that sounds exactly like something the hoodie would pull off to spite the rest of the league.
Big CatBill Belichick should tank the 2020 season to draft Trevor Lawrence
Is there a chance that the Patriots Bill Belichick is going to tank this year with Brian Hoyer as the quarterback... he's greatest coach of all time. Would that not also make him the greatest tanker of all time and then they somehow get Trevor Lawrence and it's another 20 years.
PFT isn't so sure about the tank, suggesting that the system is the star and Belichick might just be arrogant enough to think he doesn't need a Hall of Famer to win the AFC East.
PFT CommenterBill Belichick believes his system can carry a team to 11 wins even with a below-average quarterback
I actually think the Belichick with Hoyer, he's trying to recapture that magic he had and what was it 2009 when Matt Cassel took over for a season, I think Belichick thinks like if I have an average-ly talented or slightly below average quarterback and he knows my system, my system will will us to 11 wins.
The Return of the Prodigal Intern
Billy Football made his triumphant return to the show, appearing as the resident Gen Z health correspondent. Currently in quarantine himself, Billy delivered a passionate, slightly rambling pep talk to his generation, urging them to stop partying and start saving the world so he can actually have a senior season of football.
Billy FootballGen Z has the potential to be one of the greatest generations by combatting the COVID pandemic
I think we have the potential to be one of the greatest Generations looking at historical context... I think we have the potential if we really deal with this virus, we combat it... we can celebrate but right now we got to make the we got to do the blocking and tackling to get it done.
Billy isn't just worried about the history books; he's worried about the gridiron. He warned the Zoomers that their spring break antics are directly threatening the one thing everyone actually cares about.
Billy FootballThere will be no football in the fall if people don't stop partying and follow social distancing
We're not going to have football come fall. All right, first round for the first time since I think the invention of American football, we're not going to football and you know, if that's your driving force... just think what you're doing to William football.
Beyond the warnings, Billy provided some "field research" on how to survive the lockdown. This included a nutritional pivot that only an intern could dream up, involving the structural integrity of picnic staples.
Billy FootballPB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back
I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.
Mr. Portnoy's Florida Dispatch
Transitioning from the youngest guest to the oldest, Mr. Portnoy called in from Florida to discuss his refusal to respect the pandemic's rules. After a disastrous attempt to visit the airport just to change a flight, the elder Portnoy is now hunkering down with Cousin Linda, though he’s still finding plenty of time to complain about Bank of America and the stock market. He also threw some serious shade at the longevity of the hosts.
Mr. PortnoyI will likely outlive Big Cat and PFT Commenter
Wouldn't it be something if I outlive the both of you? That would be something... I promise I'll be there [at the funerals].
Mt. Flushmore Season Begins
With no sports to celebrate, it’s time to start hating. The guys kicked off Mt. Flushmore season with the worst cereals. It turns out the crew has some deeply held vendettas against breakfast foods. PFT went after the "breakfast of champions" for its lack of actual flavor.
PFT CommenterWheaties taste like an old person's butthole
Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.
Hank took the most controversial path, attacking a staple of the American pantry that left Big Cat and PFT stunned.
HankFrosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option
This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.
Big Cat, meanwhile, exposed the marketing genius behind one of his personal favorites, admitting that his "healthy" choice is anything but.
Big CatHoney Bunches of Oats is the greatest cereal hack for eating sugar disguised as health food
I'm also happy that no one said Honey Bunches of Oats Because that's the greatest like hack of eating healthy, but it's really just sugar cereal agreed that I love Honey Bunches of Oats. It's my whole unit like, oh, yeah. I'm eating healthy here.
PR 101 and Closing
To wrap things up, the guys took a look at Jamal Murray’s recent social media "hack" involving a very graphic video. While Murray is blaming hackers, Big Cat has a more current-events-focused strategy for how the Nuggets star could move past the scandal.
Big CatJamal Murray should claim he has coronavirus to make people forget his accidental sex tape
PR 101 for him. I don't know what you do. You just actually say you have coronavirus. There you go think that really is the only way out. If you say you have coronavirus people will just feel bad for you and then kind of forget that that happened.
Stay safe out there, wash your hands, and remember that hot dog rolls are just taco shells for PB&J.
