Mr. Portnoy

Late-night TV news commercials for products like CarShield are frauds

When I see them up there, those products are fraud... I mean, they wouldn't be advertising there if they weren't a fraud. I have an occasional check with the FTC site and the Better Business Bureau to see various of these companies have all sorts of consumer complaints against them. And what a shock!

If a commercial starts by saying 'this is not a scam,' it's probably a scam

When they started with the reverse mortgages... the ad started with a sentence: 'This is not a scam.' I mean, that was the furthest thing from my mind until he put it in my head that this might be a scam. Why are they saying it's legit? It never occurred to me that it's not, but now I'm going to start to investigate it.

The New York Times was desperate for Alex Cooper to say something negative about Barstool Sports

It was obvious to me... that the New York Times was salivating to get [Alex Cooper] to say something that would be damaging to Barstool. And she didn't. They couldn't resist getting [the sidebar about Dave Portnoy] in there.

Car dealerships are all bullshit and haven't changed in years

The car dealerships have never changed. They advertise what they do, but it's all bullshit... I really believe if I went into one of these dealerships, not so much that I could sell cars, but I could show them what the fuck is wrong with what you're doing.

Bryson DeChambeau has a weak legal case for 'mental harm' regarding the 'Brooksy' chants

I think, you know, it's like any case that there is, I think it's a weak case that he has... How does he prove his damages? Does he go and see a doctor and say, doctor, because of these assholes in Pardon My Take, I can't play anymore?

Dave Portnoy was a fast athlete in his youth but he has lost all of his speed

When David was younger, he had speed. And you know that expression in sports, speed kills. You can't teach somebody to be fast. ...David had it no longer, obviously.

HP has the worst customer service in the human race

I prepared on my Twitter account this morning thing that says about HP the worst cutting height I put him in quotations—customer service the worst in the human race. Whoa. And I could hurt so many people.

John Wall playing cards during an interview is more disrespectful than what Jeffrey Toobin did

I don't know that I agree with that because I think that when he [John Wall] know I don't... he was saying that the two guys that were doing the interview? I'm gonna fucking beat you guys and I can do what I want... jacking off on a zoom call work bad got moderately bad playing Spades during an interview with field Yates. Death penalty.

I will likely outlive Big Cat and PFT Commenter

Wouldn't it be something if I outlive the both of you? That would be something... I promise I'll be there [at the funerals].

Uber should have a customer service phone number for when the app fails

These things like Uber... Would it be so terrible that there was a phone number to call if the thing wasn't working? There is no phone number. There is no one out there from Uber that has to respond to anything.

Roger Goodell is the stupidest person in the world for having Dave Portnoy arrested while sitting in a paid seat

I'm starting to think that Goodell and this whole crew, he's the stupidest guy in the world... It's one thing to charge somebody with criminal trespass, but then when they have a ticket sitting in their seat... he was a civilian sitting in a seat. They had no right to touch him.

Bank of America is a terrible company with archaic technology

I'm dealing with the hated Bank of America... Can you imagine Bank of America cannot email things. They can only fax a guy... They sound like you [Big Cat]. My son told me... anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot.

Anyone who still uses a fax machine is by definition an idiot.

My son told me, I always remember this, not that long ago, he said anybody that uses a fax is by definition an idiot... I knew the minute I did that, I was going to hear about it.

A guy in a white Chrysler 300 is the breakdown of society

This guy in this white Chrysler 300 sedan... He now decides he's going to go back into the fast lane. I decided, you know, this is an allegory for a breakdown in society. All right? Here I am. I'm a very calm person. But when you abuse me like this, I'm not letting him in.

Goodfellas and The Godfather are essentially based on real events

When you go to see some of the quote unquote fictional movies, The Godfather or the other one, which I love, Goodfellas, so many of the stories that are in there are based on things that really happen.

You could walk onto an Amtrak train with a bomb and no one would stop you

I hate to say this because I imagine some people are going to hear this... You could walk onto this train with a bomb... I'm talking about a sign that says, I have a bomb, and nobody would ask any questions.

Bike sharing programs are an eyesore and will block sidewalks

In my town, you're done with it, you leave it. Doesn't matter where... Just throw it on the side of the road... You can't even walk on the sidewalk... You will eventually have to jump over these.

Soccer should replace on-field referees with booth cameras

One of the entities are proposing having cameras everywhere and having people up in the booth instead of the referees... making the initial call. They make all the calls... and they don't have a need for a referee at all.

The iPhone X is a terrible phone for actual communication

I understand from people I know that are very close to me that, for instance, the iPhone, I think it's the iPhone 8 through 10, that as a telephone... They're very poor. Using this as a phone to communicate... especially like the iPhone X, it's terrible on the telephone.

Banks revamp their websites and apps specifically to lock customers out of their accounts

They get the great idea that they're going to revamp their whole online presence. They do this. All of a sudden, when I go to log in, it doesn't work anymore... Man, it's just unbelievable. I could go through about six passwords in two days. And if it was something I had done, I would understand it. But why did they have to do this?... I'm so sick of these things... it's just like they're singling me out.

Bitcoin will be worth nothing within a year

The other not-so-optimistic side, I guess, would be that in about six months or a year, [Bitcoin] will be worth nothing... I know you guys don't want to hear that, especially Dan... but who knows what's going to happen with that.

Barstool would receive a substantial check in the mail if they threatened to sue Sam Ponder for interference with contractual relations

If someone, knowing that you are about to enter into some kind of a business relationship with a third party... attempts to have that contract stopped... That is the very definition of this case, of that tort. ... If somebody from Barstool or you guys wrote a short letter saying we're thinking of suing you for interference with contractual relations, I would guess that'd be a fairly substantial check in the mail within a week.

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

The extreme warnings on prescription drug commercials are a ridiculous example of government overreach.

You see these drug companies... Ninety percent of the ads are drug companies. The warnings... if anybody would take one of these pills, after listening to the warnings for these things, things like, you may go insane if you take these pills... it occurs to me that what that is, is really... such an example of the government run amok. The reason they have to do this is because the government is requiring [them].

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

People who leave empty shopping carts in parking lots are fundamentally inconsiderate

When I go to a parking lot... can't these people take the empty shopping carts and return them where they got them? I mean, what is the big deal? ... People are so generally inconsiderate.

It is unprofessional for contractors and laborers to not return phone calls even if they don't want the work

When I hire someone to do some work... why do I have to keep chasing them to come to my house? Why do I have to call them nine times before they come over? ... Even if I don't want to do it, I call them back. Why not call somebody back?

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

Employers have much more legal leeway if they don't pay their interns

If they're not getting paid, all right, and they're not employees, right? Well, you better stop [paying them] right away... you have a lot more leeway if you're not paying them.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion... and their attitude is, you want us to stop, right? Give us some money.

I am currently on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

For 42 and a half of those years, I couldn't fix anything. But all of a sudden, in the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them. And I even amazed myself.

The Washington Wizards abandoned the Bullets trademark, so it is now open for public use.

I i i would say uh give it a shot [selling Bullets merchandise]... I would say the argument would be they've abandoned it [the trademark]... it makes sense to me.

Large companies use 'company policy' as a way to project fake government-level authority and deny consumer rights.

But these big companies, they tell you, you know, I wanted to return something. And they say, you can't. And I said, who says? They said, that's our company policy. I mean, the company policy, they make it sound like the government has set this up and this is the way it's going to be forever.

The waiter at Legal Seafood knew they were out of rice pilaf and intentionally gave me regular rice without saying anything.

I ordered the rice pilaf, and [the waiter] knew they didn't have it. And instead of telling me that, he just gave me the other... Regular rice. And the thing I was mad at myself is why didn't I say anything? I was mentioning it to my wife five days in a row.

Customer service lines intentionally disconnect you when transferring to customer relations

Then when you start to talk about why you're calling, you know what happens? They'll say, oh, we're in the sales department. We're going to transfer you over to Customer relations, and then what do you think happens? You get disconnected. I've lived through this.

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight.

Donald Trump only appoints tall people to his administration

Senator Corker... did not get the Secretary of State job because the guy that got it [Rex Tillerson] is taller than Corker. Apparently Trump fancies tall people who are billionaires... if you're short, you're going nowhere in the Trump administration.

Grown men over the age of 30 should stop using the word dude

When did the word dude become part of the speech. I don't like that... I really don't mind when someone, a teenager or early 20s, uses it. But when you get older, the thing I hate the most is someone my age using it.

Jim Rome is an awful, irritating broadcaster

Oh, [Jim Rome] is terrible. He's awful. And I mean, another one, what does he have to invent a new language for? And he speaks in a whole different way.

Young people need to stop using the word 'like' as a filler word

All people your age and younger do this. The word 'like'. I'm trying to stop [them].

By age 70, Dave Portnoy will weigh 90 pounds and still be taking Adderall

God knows [Dave Portnoy] probably will weigh 90 pounds and be bent over. Still taking the Adderall. I agree.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

Teaching children to drive a stick shift should be a prerequisite of parenting

Teaching your children to swim and teaching them to drive stick should probably be just prerequisites across the board. I tried to teach my son years and years ago when he was still looking out for getting girls... and he wasn't interested.

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

Donald Trump is trying to lose the election to start a cable news network

I'm so convinced that [Trump's] trying to lose. And if you think about it, it sets up perfectly for him to lose. He has somebody to blame, press, the other Republicans... He then can go back, start his own cable TV news network, employ his children on each one of the shows, won't have to do the heavy lifting that's involved in being president... He said something today about the fact that it wouldn't be so bad if he lost. It wouldn't be the end of the world. That's the first little step.

Regular assault and battery laws could and should apply to baseball fights

Being on the field like that in a baseball game especially, I don't think in my mind that in a baseball game that this is something that you could say, well, they assume the risk. I think the regular rules of assaults and battery could and should apply in this situation.

It is not illegal to sell fake hospital bracelets as work excuses

Is it illegal [to sell fake hospital bracelets]? No. I think you could do it, but it's like with so many things, it has other ramifications.

Tom Brady could sue the NFL and Roger Goodell for defamation

I don't think [Tom Brady] is just going to let this go away. I think what he may do is he may sue for defamation, because what happened in this Deflategate, none of that is relevant to if he brought a claim for defamation. In other words, saying that the commissioner and the other people said things about me, which they did with malice... there's no question the Golden Boy image at the very least is tarnished.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?