PMT DB
PMT DB
Mark Titus, Mike Portnoy, and an Aaron Rodgers Special
Football is officially back, even if the Hall of Fame game hasn't technically kicked off yet. Big Cat and PFT Commenter open the show via Skype, giving off those classic early-episode vibes while they navigate the awkward pauses and pixelated faces of long-distance recording. The excitement for the return of the NFL is slightly dampened by the annual tradition of training camp injuries, specifically Ryan Tannehill going down with a non-contact knee issue that has the Dolphins and PFT feeling pessimistic about the former wideout.
PFT CommenterRyan Tannehill is effectively retired because wide receivers cannot return from knee injuries
I'm going to say [Ryan Tannehill] is injured right now because a knee injury is impossible to come back from for a wide receiver.
They also dive into the breaking news that Aaron Rodgers has started recording his own interviews to avoid being taken out of context. To celebrate this level of petty excellence, Big Cat and PFT "host" Aaron Rodgers for a six-pack of questions. It was an explosive appearance where the Super Bowl winner—or a very accurate soundboard of him—revealed his true feelings on Mike McCarthy and his surprising fandom of historical dictators.
Mount Rushmore of Nerds with Mark Titus
Mark Titus joins the show in studio to draft the Mount Rushmore of Nerds, a topic he is uniquely qualified for as a published author. The conversation immediately pivots to the validity of scientific facts, specifically whether we can actually trust the sun or the man who discovered gravity.
PFT CommenterThe sun is scientifically cold because space is cold
Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.
Big CatWe cannot trust the theory of gravity because Isaac Newton was a virgin
The fact that we're trusting gravity with a guy who never had sex seems a little suspicious. Doesn't know how woman on top feels.
Hank brings his usual level of conspiracy to the table, suggesting that one of the world's most famous physicists might actually be a government-operated puppet.
HankStephen Hawking has been dead for years and his public persona is an AI government puppet
Stephen Hawking died a long time ago, but the government has kept up the illusion that he's alive in order to get their space propaganda out there to the nerd community. He's literally dead, and it's artificial intelligence that's talking.
The draft covers everyone from Bill Nye to Mark Zuckerberg, with Big Cat pointing out that the Facebook founder’s wardrobe is less about efficiency and more about protection.
Big CatMark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'
My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.
The People's Lawyer and Portnoy's Complaints
Mr. Portnoy, the people's lawyer, returns to the program to address some serious legal matters. First, he weighs in on the political revolving door involving Anthony Scaramucci, whom he views as a true "Fredo" character.
Mr. PortnoyAnthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples
If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].
The primary reason for his appearance, however, is a criminal situation involving PFT and Hank getting busted for open containers in Harlem. PFT tried to use big words to explain his way out of the ticket, but Mr. Portnoy was more concerned with the fact that the guys were ducking behind cars to finish their drinks while the cops were writing the citations.
Big CatFinishing a beer after being arrested for it is protected by double jeopardy
I think if you start the beer and you get arrested for drinking that beer and then you finish it and they try to arrest you again, that's double jeopardy. It is. You can't be charged twice for the same crime. If it's the same beer.
Aside from legal counsel, Mr. Portnoy delivers a fresh batch of complaints. He is currently dealing with a post office vendetta involving singed, soaking wet mail, and a general lack of professionalism from local contractors.
Mr. PortnoyIt is unprofessional for contractors and laborers to not return phone calls even if they don't want the work
When I hire someone to do some work... why do I have to keep chasing them to come to my house? Why do I have to call them nine times before they come over? ... Even if I don't want to do it, I call them back. Why not call somebody back?
PR 101 for Colin Kaepernick and Jimbo’s
With several quarterbacks going down in camp, the guys offer some PR 101 for any team brave enough to sign Colin Kaepernick. PFT suggests a complete rebranding of the quarterback to help him blend in with more conservative fanbases.
PFT CommenterColin Kaepernick should change his name to 'Cody' to get signed by an NFL team
I think step one, we say this to a lot of quarterbacks, change your name. Change the first name. Give me a good, solid American name like Cody. Cody Kaepernick. That screams rodeo cowboy.
The show wraps up with the return of Jimbo’s, featuring a bachelor party cigar incident and some questionable career advice for college students. Big Cat encourages any listeners heading back to school to embrace the path of least resistance when choosing a major.
Big CatYou should always start college with an easy major like communications and only add hard majors if you find it too easy
Start at the bullshit major and if you end up being like, oh, I'm actually smarter than I thought, then you can add on. Start with the communications. Start with the history or the political side. Then if you find out that it's too easy, then you can add to engineering.
Just remember to put your shopping carts back, because the people's lawyer is watching.
