Alabama is the worst 14-1 team of all time

Is Alabama the worst 14-1 team of all time? There probably is a team out there, and remember when I told you a little trivia, 1897 was the last time the team went 15-0... I think they got dethroned by Alabama.

Nick Saban looked like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he got outcoached

Little Nick Saban looked like he was going to explode on the sidelines. He got outcoached. He was outcoached by far. He does the thing where when he's really mad, you can tell because he just turns red and he crosses his arms and he just squeezes his own body. And he was like an anaconda squeezing the life out of himself because he knows he's not going to get that nut after the game that he needs.

Clemson is the new standard in college football

I would say that Clemson's the standard right now. Clemson is really, really good offensively. They've got [Trevor] Lawrence coming back for, I think, five more years. He's 19. Who basically hung 50-burger on Nick Saban.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

The National Championship winner should have to play Georgia for the 'real' title every year

There should be a plus one at the end of every single national championship where the winner, the title winner, gets to play Georgia for the real National Championship. Say what you want about Georgia, but they have exciting games against Alabama. And Clemson ruined it.

Trevor Lawrence didn't carve apart Alabama; he just threw jump balls that his receivers caught

I actually, this is a little bit of a hot take. I think [Trevor Lawrence] is going to be special, but I didn't walk away from that game being like, wow, he carved them apart. He threw a bunch of jump balls that the Alabama defense was terrible and the Clemson wide receivers made awesome plays.

5'9" is now 'Heisman height' because of Kyler Murray

We're rebranding 5'9". Now it's Heisman height. That's what we're calling it. I'm 5'9". Perfectly average height for a scat back.

Drake jinxes teams publicly and then bets against them to profit privately

Drake, is he the best gambler in the world? Because he basically wears the clothing of the team and then bets against them. And it always works in his way. So he wears Kentucky clothes, or he says he's an Alabama fan, and then he bets against them in the big game and cashes his tickets.

You should be allowed to walk your dog in just boxers and slippers before 9 AM

If you have a dog and it's before 9 a.m., you should be able to walk on the street in just boxers... boxers and slippers. And people can't say anything. It's the dog walking rule.

Calgary's Saddledome is a complete shithole

It's really cool to look at from the outside, but it's a complete shithole. For a current day pro sports arena, it's in the very, very low bottom percentage of that entire list.

Montreal is the best atmosphere in North American hockey

Montreal... you should see this place. Just the fans right on top of you... the seats just go straight up. It's loud as hell. The French are completely nuts. By far and away, it was my favorite place to play.

NHL players skip the All-Star game to win titles, while NBA players go to 'get kills' and get recognized

NHL players care about their team and trying to win the Stanley Cup. And by skipping the All-Star game, they're going to save themselves a cross-country flight and Alexander Ovechkin will be ready to play in the playoffs as opposed to wasting energy going back and forth across the country. NBA players just want to try to get some kills in a city where they're going to get recognized because they're all 7'1 and have huge wrenches.

The NFC North is currently a league of coaches named Matt

The next one is going to be – fuck, I wrote down the name. I think it's going to be Zach Taylor... But bonus point, if your name's Matt, because now the NFC North has three Matts as their head coaches. Three out of four Matts.

Josh McDaniels might be blackballed from NFL head coaching jobs

I think he has to sit out a couple years for what he did to the Colts, don't you? Do you think Josh McDaniels is a blackball case? Put that ahead of Colin Kaepernick.

Derrick Rose's 'kill yourself' comment was not a slip of the tongue

Derrick Rose said, 'everyone that thinks that it's going to stop, kill yourself.' ... He then doubled down on it. He said, 'like I said before, kill yourself.' ... When you say it twice, you don't get the slip of the tongue tag. When you double down, the slip of the tongue doesn't work anymore.