Takes

Every golf course should make the 18th hole a short par five to give casual players hope

Every golf course should have the 18th hole be a short par five for the casual shitty golfer. It gives them the life and hope that they enjoy the round. If they can make it on and two and have an eagle birdie chance. I love this.

Laser tag is a children's game and it's terrible for adults

Why were you playing laser tag as an adult? Laser tag sucks. It's a children's game. I guarantee you I've played more laser tag in the last five years than any of you guys... every laser tag, the guns don't work. You hit someone and it doesn't register.

Good laser tag exists and it kicks ass

Laser tag kicks ass. There's good laser tag places, there's bad laser tag places. If we set it up right, it would be good. Laser tag done properly kicks ass.

Liking chick flicks from the 2000s is inherently wrong for men

Liking chick flicks is wrong. They're gay. Yeah.

Silver or Bronze in figure skating is more impressive than in a race

I think getting silver or bronze in figure skating is more impressive than silver or bronze in a race. Because silver and bronze in a race is like, yeah, you just weren't the fastest. Like there's only one fastest. But if someone walked in like, I got silver in the 100 meter dash, you're not the fastest. Silver in figure skating? Holy shit, that's impressive.

Big game hunting and winter survival should be added as Winter Olympic sports

I do agree with big game hunting [as an Olympic sport], that would rock dudes. It's like you go out in the wilderness and then you just have to weigh like, how much bear did you come back with? The Olympic sport of just watching dudes in the middle of the woods who can start a fire faster. I'd watch that.

Patrick Mahomes won't be good for at least a month into next season following his ACL tear

Mahomes tore his ACL on December 14th... I think he'll play week one. I don't think he'll be good. I think he'll, he won't be good for a month.

Michigan State fans should troll Michigan over Sherrone Moore's Instagram activity

Michigan State deserves and is allowed to just go after Michigan right now. I actually think you should fire back... you go Sherrone Moore. Mel Tucker. 'cause that looks like you can hang. And also do not do the Larry Nassar [jokes].

I would rather have the Eagles lose in the first round than miss the playoffs

I want to get a first round blowout so that next year could be Super Bowl... Preferably by the Bucs, but I don't think it is possible to play the Bucs in the first round.

The AFC is wide open this year

This is the most wide open AFC... You're only scary teams are the Chiefs and the Ravens... It is not a gauntlet.

The best way to surprise a girl with a proposal is to do a fake one at a sports game first

The surprise is already over because you already are planning it. ... The only way he could truly surprise you is doing it at a sports game... center court at a mid-tier college basketball game. ... He does a fake proposal to you at a sports game and then he's like 'piss you off! Just kidding!'

Taking apart a microwave is fatal because it contains an electric bomb

Do never, do not ever take apart a microwave because you'll die. You'll get electrified. They've got like a bomb inside of them. ... You have a nuclear weapon in your kitchen.

Body wash doesn't work under your armpits

My take was that it's bullshit. That body wash doesn't work under your armpits. If you use body wash on your armpits and you don't use deodorant, your armpits still smell like an hour later.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

I'll die on the hill that sleep talking is not evidence of cheating

Sleep talking is not evidence. I'll die on that hill. Sleep talking is not evidence. No one knows what you're saying in your sleep. No one has any like, people will just sleep talk and they have no recollection of what they were dreaming about or what they were saying.

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

Brown toilets should be more popular because they hide stains better

Say no Brown's kitchen. Every toilet's brown, brown toilets should be more popular. You hide the stains easy. He, he like, you should be like, listen honey, we'll do every toilet in this house Browns.

You cannot get mad at your partner for what appears in their Instagram algorithm

You can't get mad at technology. Right. Max, what is yours? ... I curate it like if I see if I pass by tits because you gotta click on it that way you get more tits... It's technology. The phones are smarter than we are.

Cash is the only valid Valentine's Day gift

My answer's always cash. No one has ever gotten the gift of cash and been like, 'Ew.' No. Gift card boxes you in; cash is limitless. Cash is king.

Nobody cares about October basketball

Who gives a fuck about October basketball? ... It matters maybe like 1%.

Admiring art in a museum is exactly the same as being a sports fan

Admiring art isn't that different from watching football. You spend all day, you pay like $15. You go to a big building and then you look at a screen on the wall and then that screen makes you feel emotions. A lot of times when you go to the museum, you get the headset and someone's explaining the art to you... You've got like a play-by-play guy for the art.

You should always take the deal to have all your teams win championships in one year, even if they never win again

I think you gotta take the year. Because, alright, I'm thinking about my college teams too. And I don't think that my college teams are ever gonna win a title. So I'm basically getting a guaranteed one that I would never get. Sweeping the entire board for an entire year—you just have that for the rest of your life.

The NFL season should start in late October and run through April to preserve the summer

I kind of wish football season was in a different part of the year... I find myself trying to wish away the summer, which is the best season in terms of weather... I kind of wish we had summer after football season... if football started in late October and went till April and then it's like summer.

Rory McIlroy will get a performance boost from his recent divorce filing

Rory McElroy divorce bump... Scotty Scheffler baby bump. Rory McElroy divorce. Divorce bump... I think it might be Rory divorce bump.

I am betting on a one-two finish for Scotty Scheffler and Rory McIlroy at the PGA Championship

One two Scheffler McElroy and then one two McElroy [then] Scotty. I, that might be the move.

I have completely converted to being a wipes person for bathroom hygiene

I buy them at stores 'cause I'm just like, I I've completely converted to a wipes person. ... You have to finish [with them].

Winter officially begins the day after Thanksgiving

Winner starts the day after Thanksgiving. [Big Cat: You don't think December's winter?] What? No, because you, it's festive... [PFT:] I think that Christmas is a winter holiday. It is. It's a winter wonderland. Yeah.

'Bad winter' starts on January 2nd and lasts until March Madness begins

I think winter starts the day after January 1st... Winter is like when it sucks... When I think winter, I think January 2nd to March Madness. That's like when it sucks.

I would take Bill Belichick as the next head coach of the Commanders

I would take Belichick. I just wanna say that for the record. I, I think Bill Belichick is a good head coach and I would like to see him coaching my team. I, especially if it's instead of Hank's team.

I want Jim Harbaugh to be the next head coach of the Chicago Bears more than anything

I think I want [Jim] Harbaugh in Chicago more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

Jersey Shore is the most iconic reality TV show ever

If the debate is Jersey Shore versus Vanderpump Rules... Jersey Shore was like guys and girls liked Jersey Shore parties. There is no Vanderpump without Jersey Shore.

The Masters is the ultimate 'dad weekend' of all time

The Masters is the most dad weekend of all time.

Car time is for listening to podcasts, not for talking

Not for talking. Car time is for listening. When is he supposed to make these business calls in the car? On the golf course? Yeah.

Putting on deodorant before going to the gym is a sign that you are cheating on your partner

It's actually, if he were to put on deodorant before going to a gym... that would be a sign he's cheating on you. Be like, why are you putting on deodorant before you're going to get sweaty?

Going to separate weddings as a couple is the dream scenario

This is the easiest question ever. You both go to your weddings and have the best time ever without your girlfriend or boyfriend... once you start going to 'em and you get in your wedding like late twenties, early thirties... they all just blend together, this one will stick out. Might as well have some fun.

Once you break up, you no longer have the right to feel disrespected by your ex's dating life

You don't get to make those rules. You're broken up. You're broken up. You're broken up. If it was before then yeah, you could be upset. But if you're broken up, you're broken up.

The pull-out method is the best and most effective birth control

This is why the pull-out method's just, it's the best. So much more effective. It's the best. Yeah. Works a hundred percent. You know where the semen's going? Yeah. Never have a problem pulling out.

Most remote workers only do about five to six hours of actual hard work per week

The working from home is like you only do half the work. You just basically fuck around all day and then... you can get your job done in like five to six hours of really hard work. That's just a fact. That's how America was built. ... You spent four hours on browsers, you played a bunch of SNES and Yeah. You just dicked around and looked at your fantasy team for 50% of the work week.

Most remote workers could finish their entire week's work on a Monday morning

If anyone figured out the fact that I could do my entire week's worth of work on a Monday morning, probably wouldn't be getting paid as much. Probably wouldn't have that job.

Stan Musial invented the fist bump

I learned something the other day. I don't know if you guys heard this. Do you guys know who invented the fist bump? Stan Musial invented the fist bump. How crazy is that?

Using shampoo on your armpits doesn't work to make them smell good like it does for the hair on your head.

When you wash your hair, it smells nice. When you wash your armpit hair, the smell does not stick. It doesn't do anything... If you use shampoo in your hair, you'll be able to smell the shampoo in your hair later in the day. Use shampoo in your armpits. You will not be able to smell that.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

A man who wears a bathing suit in a jetted bathtub is doing so to prevent himself from trying to fuck the jets

He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it. ... He's scared of himself. He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it.

I looked at the evidence and it might have been a DeMar Hamlin body double at the Bills game

I don't think he's dead. But [it] was very snowy. That shot conveniently... why was he wearing goggles? He had a sheisty... I'm just saying like it was just, there was just like, I looked at the evidence. I'm just raising it so we could have the conversation.

Nathanial Vakos will be the number one kicker in the nation next year

The kicker from Ohio [University] just committed to Wisconsin... Nathanial Vakos. I'm ranking him as the number one kicker in the nation going into the next year.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

The modern day alpha male gets away with lies to feel manly

Guys, you know what, the modern day alpha male doesn't have a lot of things that we can do to make us feel manly, but getting away with lies is one of those things.

The best way to handle multiple ex-hookups trying to slide back in is to invite them all to the same birthday party

You just gotta invite 'em all and see who hangs around the longest. It's kinda like in the reunion episodes of Love is Blind when they just get everybody in a bar together and get 'em drunk. They all just start fighting and one person will eventually go home with a person.

A joint bachelor party between the groom and bride is a terrible idea

Don't do this. This is a bad idea. One side is not happy about this. Deep down they don't really want to do it. The only way this can work is if you have about a 90% clearance rate on both sides of the groomsmen and the bridesmaids being single... otherwise don't do it. It's never fun.

There is an 85% chance you will end up married to your ex if you go to a concert with them.

I've watched enough romcoms and gotten all my relationship advice from Judd app house, if you go to this concert, there's like a, I'd say 85% chance you guys get married. So that's just, what's gonna happen. You're gonna rekindle in the backdrop of a beautiful concert and boom, you're married. Maybe even have a kid.