Danica Patrick

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

The Saints should clean house and move on from Sean Payton and Drew Brees

The Saints need to just clean house, I think. I think it's time. You know what I mean? It's enough watching Drew Brees and Sean Payton be 7-9 and keep thinking, hey, why isn't Drew Brees thrown into Marcus Colson more? That's what I think every single game that I watch the Saints. I'm like, just move on. It's over.

Breaking news: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I think I'm going to go with the DM rumor and confirm that Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet. I've heard the same rumor... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year. So your [PFT's] trade analysis now on the hot seat. Oh, last year, I mean, he had pretty damn good stats with the worst offensive line basically ever. Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Dale Jr. is the undisputed face of NASCAR

Dale Jr. is the face of NASCAR. Well, I mean, that would be Dale Jr. Oh, but he's retiring. Yeah, but he's definitely the face of NASCAR.

Metaphysical intention can change the structure of water

It's about how intention changes water. So you'll talk to water and you'll say I love you and then there's that glass and then I hate you and you put that glass down. You tell what, it's the emotion attached to that water and it'll be from the same water source just different word association and then it shows under a microscope what it looks like with the word intention associated with it.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.

Kobe Bryant retiring both numbers is the most 'Kobe' story ever

Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. That is the most Kobe story I have ever heard... Kobe Bryant, they're going to retire both of his numbers. [Jordan] is one number. No, but it's two separate numbers in different locations. Different teams.