I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

The 'TV-ification' of Rex Ryan is ruining what makes him a great media personality

This is the TV-ification of Rex Ryan. I don't like it at all. I don't know if he was trying to impress Beth [Mowens] up there or what the deal was, but he wasn't angry, surly, aggressive Rex. I like my Ryan Brothers stories like tall tales... better than seeing them with a suit on trying to stumble their way through a telecast.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

The Cavaliers-Knicks series is over after Game 1

Series over, you can't lose that game if you're the Cavs. When it went into overtime, we said the Cavs have to win this. This is must win. You can't give this up. All time choke.

The Knicks are going to the NBA Finals

Memes, Zac, congratulations. Game one. I'm gonna say it. You guys are in the NBA finals. Congrats. I'm not even trolling.

Victor Wembanyama is the best watch in the NBA right now

[Wembanyama] is the best watch in the NBA right now. It's not even close... just his entire performance leaving it like, he was so gassed that three that looked like we were talking about it, it looked like it was almost like there was a whistle beforehand because it was like in slow motion. It was just incredible.