Washington State Head Coach Mike Leach

Mitch Trubisky is the future of the Chicago Bears and a future Hall of Famer

I know it's a trap because I do think Mitch Trubisky is the future, but I'm a little ahead of myself. I'm thinking Canton, Ohio already. Yeah, I am one half of the first preseason game, but I don't care. He looked pretty good in that one half.

Roger Goodell will not show up in Foxboro for Week 1

I still don't think he's going to show up. I've been on the record on this podcast saying it, that he won't show up.

Any amount of weed up to 50 pounds should be considered personal use for Zach Randolph

I think any good lawyer will be able to get him off because there's no amount of weed that's too much for Zach Randolph to have as personal use. ... You could have like 20, I'm going to say 20 to 50 pounds of marijuana, and that should have qualified under personal use for the two of those guys.

The St. Louis Cardinals will win the World Series because of the 'rally kitten'

I'm telling you right now, I've seen this fucking story a million times. That rally kitten, cat, whatever the fuck it was. The Cardinals are going to win the World Series. This is Cardinals Dark Magic just came out in the form of a cat... all because of a stupid fucking kitten.

Tim Tebow literally cured autism by shaking a fan's hand

No, he cured autism. ... Well, he went up and shook the guy's hand, and then he went up and hit a home run. ... so he cured autism, so it's okay to vaccinate your kids.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

Masturbation makes you gay

This is a life advice that I've gotten. I don't know if it's true. Okay. But I was once told that masturbation makes you gay.

You cannot coach an inaccurate quarterback to be accurate

The biggest falsehood I see in quarterbacks... There'll be some kid that is not accurate, okay? So he wasn't accurate in junior high, but all he's got to do is work on his accuracy. So they play him a quarterback in high school... then they'll recruit the hell out of him and get him to college. ... if three coaches ahead of you could make that guy accurate, what makes you think you can? And I've improved accuracy, but I've never taken a guy from inaccurate to accurate.

The sun is cold because space is cold

If you got a rocket ship and you took it into outer space and you stuck your finger out the window, your finger would freeze because space is cold. So if the sun's hot, how come space is cold?

Texas is the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts

Sovereign immunity is really appealing to third world dictators. ... the only state, the only state that exercises sovereign immunity on contracts is Texas. ... every state in the country eliminated exercising sovereign immunity on contracts, except for Texas does it to this day. ... And North Korea, I mean, sovereign immunity is a big deal with North Korea, Somalia. And that, you know, that's the company that's being kept if you exercise sovereign immunity on contracts.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.