Jared Goff 12/02/16

Tiger Woods will never again look like his old self for four straight days at the highest level

Show me Tiger Woods four days in a row at the highest level. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. Not going to happen.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

The NFL should have logo-branded eyepatches for coaches like Mike Zimmer

If it was Jack [Del Rio] or if it was like Bruce Arians, Pete Carroll... They would have their team logo put on the eyepatch. Rex Ryan would for sure.

The MLB ban on chewing tobacco is an infringement on a player's right to get cancer

I think it's offensive to me. You should have the right to get cancer if you want it. And you're stealing that right from baseball players.

Every person who hasn't chewed tobacco has eventually died

Every person that hasn't chewed tobacco has died in history. A little sabermetrics word. Or will die. Just written facts, dude.

This week in the NFL will be a 'wonky' week where crazy things happen

I think there's gonna be a wonky week. It's one of those weeks where it's just like crazy things happen I just have a feeling... I just I feel like this is gonna be a wonky week.

Vegas is going to make a huge profit in Week 13 at the expense of home underdogs

This is the week that Vegas really sticks it to people. And I think that it's going to come at the expense of a lot of home dogs.

You shouldn't bet your life savings on any single game this weekend; spread it out

I don't feel comfortable betting all my life savings on one game, I would spread it out.

I grew up a 49ers fan and could never get on board with Tim Rattay because they were terrible with him

I guess not a fan of was Tim Rattay... He was the Niners quarterback when I was... or one of them, one of the many when I was growing up. And I was a big Niner fan, and they were terrible with him. I could never get on board with him ever.

Jeff Fisher is as big of a 'football guy' as they come

As big of a football guy as I come... I mean, that's his whole deal. I mean, he's there all day, and obviously he's been a head coach for a long time, been in football longer than a lot of head coaches in the league.

I'm a sports fan overall, not just a 'football guy' because it's my job

I've been playing my whole life, but I think I'm just more of an overall sports fan. Really, I like every sport. I played all three growing up... I'm more of just a sports fan, but obviously I am a football guy because I do play the sport as a living.

Rob Gronkowski might retire at 69 touchdowns just for the joke

Rob Gronkowski might retire just for the joke... No, but it's like a destiny thing. It really is a destiny thing. I don't think he wants to retire, but it's written in the stars.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

Girls actually like guys who fart and burp in their face

Girls actually like a guy that farts. A lot. And burps in her face. That shows a certain level of masculinity.

A visible semen stain on your pants is proof that you are in your sexual prime

It means, it's a confirmation that you're sexually, that you're in your sexual prime... Girls, they're biologically tuned to seek out guys that look fertile. What better proof is there than just having your boys dripping out of your fly?