Takes

MLB is stupid for cracking down on 'sticky stuff' in the middle of a season

My whole point is you should fix it, but don't fix it in the middle of the season only after it becomes public because you feel like a fool for letting it go on and having it be an open secret for so long. ... Just because they got exposed, they're going to swing the pendulum of justice so hard. ... It's so stupid.

Only the reigning World Series champions should be allowed to wear pinstripes

Pinstripes have become too prominent in baseball. Nine teams wear pinstripes and it sucks... Only the team that wins the World Series gets pinstripes for the entire next year. You have to beat the man to be the man and get the stripes.

The NFL should replace all officials with combat veterans and Navy SEALs

Jay Glazer... has maybe the greatest idea ever. Hire all new officials—all combat veterans, special operations backgrounds, go hire a bunch of Navy SEALs, Marine Recon, Delta Force, those guys. They literally can react faster than the rest of the world, even when bullets are flying... and also coaches will be a little less inclined to rip into them out on the sideline.

Fix NFL overtime by making both teams play their backup quarterbacks

College overtime, 25-yard line, everything's the same as college overtime... Only wrinkle, each team has to play their backup quarterback. Now we're getting, now we're creating jobs and the backup quarterback becomes a very important position. The minute you go to overtime, your starter can no longer play quarterback.

The college basketball arm hook rule will cause an apocalypse in the tournament

This is going to cause absolute hell during the NCAA tournament. You're going to have stars foul out because of this weird flagrant foul thing. It's going to swing games, too. It's going to be awful. Once people realize how bad this rule is, the NCAA is going to be an apocalypse.

Major League Baseball should have teams play on a Little League field for one night

I don't understand why Major League Baseball, to capture the imagination of America for one night – doesn't have the MLB teams play on a Little League field. ... The infield will make regulation. The fence will be 200 feet. ... tell me that wouldn't be the greatest thing ever.

Baseball should remove the catcher position for the first two strikes with no one on base

My idea was to just remove the catcher and put the catcher in the infield or the outfield against a batter when there's nobody on base for the first two strikes. Yeah, the umpire gets hit a few times with some fastballs or whatever, but you don't need a catcher. Like who cares if the game's delayed a little bit?

If Rory McIlroy bans beer for fans, PGA golfers should be required to drink while playing

Yes Rory, we can ban beer from PGA events, but the golfers then have to drink... they have to drink one beer per three holes. I think that's fair.

Bullpen carts are the only thing baseball is currently doing right

The bullpen cart is back, which is incredible. Like baseball finally doing something right. I don't care about pace of play. I really don't. ... It speeds up the game when it really probably takes four seconds off, maybe.

MLB should allow managers to bat anyone on the roster out of order in the 9th inning

The rule is that in the bottom of the ninth, your manager is allowed to bat anyone, anyone on your roster, out of order, doesn't matter, makes the game more exciting... I actually like this rule. It's insane. The closer position would basically be obsolete, but it's a cool rule.

NBA playoff seeding should be based on a team's record against the gambling spread

I like for playoff seeding, I think we should do instead of best record, it should be best record against the spread. Let everyone start actually playing for the spread. It would be unbelievable if teams are up by like seven and the spread's nine and they're just gunning.

NFL replay should be fixed using a 'possession arrow' system from pickup basketball

I think they should just go to a straight pick up hoops thing where no one knows who hit the ball out, so it's like we get the next one. But any, like, controversial call, it's like, all right, you get it this time, we'll get it next time. That's good. I like that. Just keep trading it all year long.

The NFL pylon rule is stupid and should be changed to a Quidditch-style hoop

I have a dumb question... why do pylons exist?... everyone keeps fumbling while reaching for the pylon... what they should do... They need to make them little like hoops that you can throw the ball into the hoop. And that counts as a touchdown... it's the safest play in football.

NFL teams below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback

I think that any team in the NFL that finishes below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback for the next year. You have to overcome Brock to prove that you're ready to rejoin the big boys.

Bryce Harper injured himself because he was too focused on adjusting his hair for the cameras

The real culprit in this situation, I don't know if you saw, but as he was stepping on the base, Bryce Harper was more concerned with adjusting his hair. The hair flopped out, and he put his hand up there to try to straighten his hair out, look good for the cameras. Guess what? You should have been paying attention to your knee.

Groundskeeper 'The Freeze' should be an all-time pinch runner in the All-Star Game

The freeze is hot, right? Hilarious... So pinch runner, all-time runner, the freeze. So he just stands behind the catcher, and as soon as the ball's in play, he's running.

The MLB should use a radar gun to decide tied games after 13 innings

Just have a radar gun and just each team gets 10 throws. Fastest throw wins. Fastest combined average score. ... all nine players on the field have to throw. So whoever in the game... you get to see fun shit like first baseman throw and stuff.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Training yourself to say 'tuckus' instead of 'ass' makes you a giant 'tuckus hole'

Do you know how big of a tuckus hole you need to be to actually do that in college? ...What a fucking tuckus. God I hate, I hate that.

The NFL should award one point for a kickoff that goes through the uprights

John Harbaugh wants to make the kickoff worth one point if his kicker can kick it through the uprights. I like this rule though. We need more kickers. I've been saying for years that if you hit the upright, it should be worth extra.

The summer Olympics should include a 'Top Gun' style cockpit dogfighting competition

I've got dogfighting, except not dogs, like airplanes, like Top Gun... how amazing would that be if you have, like, cameras inside the cockpit... and the hard deck at 10,000 feet... qualifying person who finishes and last dies.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

The five-year Hall of Fame wait rule is good because it humbles players

I love the five-year rule because it gives players time to taste what it's like to be kind of irrelevant, put on a little bit of weight, and then they show up at their Hall of Fame induction ceremony, and they're humbled a little bit. They've gained a few pounds in the cheek, neck area, so they're more accessible to the fans.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back that's a white guy... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there... we white people need to look at ourselves and say, are we doing enough to make a change in society?

MLB teams should be limited to 30 fastballs per game

I think teams should only get 30 fastballs a game. ... The art of pitching, the finesse of pitching, Greg Maddox, come on. I mean, he wasn't throwing 105 miles an hour.

Every MLB rotation should be required to have a knuckleballer

I would go along those same lines and say that every team has to have a knuckleball pitcher in the starting lineup. ... In the rotation somewhere.

The NFL preseason should be 10 weeks long and start in July

I think preseason should start in July. Give us something more to talk about. We should have 10 weeks of NFL preseason.

Sports should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule. I wish more sports would incorporate something like this. Like if the NBA waited until the fourth quarter to be like, yeah, Steph's foot was on the line for that three-pointer in the first quarter. So we're going to take away one point. Anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead.

I support capping three-pointers if it hurts Steph Curry and the Warriors

I hate the rule, and I hate these changing of rules, but if it means we can take away the one thing that Steph excels at over everyone else, I'm kind of in favor of that.

Anyone who supports robot umpires in baseball can go fuck themselves

Anyone who is like pro robots can go fuck themselves... The minute you start letting robots do these kind of tasks is what they're going to take over our lives... I don't need fucking umps telling me balls and strikes. There's some things you need to leave to humans.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.

Steroid users should be allowed to use them as long as they don't work out

I think for steroids, you should be able to use them as long as you don't abuse them... If you use steroids, you can't lift any weights. This is the Pardon My Take 'use it, don't abuse it' rule. If you use it, stay out of the gym.