Takes

The Pope should leave science to people who don't feel global warming

Lord, please tell the Pope that he needs to leave the science to all of us who don't feel the effects of global warming.

Putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice

I'm putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice this week, baby. I'm coming for you, Bill. There's nothing you can do to stop me. It's a revolution.

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think he might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Interim head coaches are the best part of the NFL

Interim head coaches are without a doubt the best part of the NFL.

Interim head coaches are the uncles of the sports world

These are interim head coaches and they are the best. They are the uncles of the sports world. They pull into town for a couple weeks when your old man's away on a business trip, and they let you have a beer if you introduce them to your hot teacher. You can learn more from six hours in a Hooters with your uncle than you do in six years with a guy that has to stick around to deal with the consequences.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should go back to make Hitler comparisons earlier

Maybe instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, we should figure out a way to make people go back in time so that we can be able to make comparisons to Hitler before Hitler rises to power. And a lot of people don't think about that type of thing, but I do.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Practice until there's a compound fracture to let players control practice length

Day two, we practice until there's a compound fracture. You let the players control how long they play. If there's an injury in the first five minutes, guess what? We're done. If it takes us two hours, we'll be out here all day.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys - all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

Replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog

And then what I do is I replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog. And if you can't fix it with a dose of prayer and duct tape, then I'm not sure I want your China doll ass on my team to begin with.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing - players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Locker rooms should have cruise ship mentality, not submarine mentality

People say that a locker room is like a submarine mentality. I want it to be above water, not below it. It's more of a cruise ship mentality. Water's cut off, there's shit on the deck, the buffet's out of everything except for Chinese Jell-O, and everyone's thirsty, but guess what? We're in it together.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to not be fit to coach the Browns?

How much of a liability do you have to be to alienate the Raiders? How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to have a group of people decide that you are not fit to coach the Browns?

Rob Ryan would be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself with a slingshot

He might be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself in the groin with a slingshot when he's challenging a fourth and short.

Masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets an interim head coaching opportunity

I am personally willing to put my money where my mouth is for a Rob Ryan head coaching tenure. I'm ready to go on a masturbation strike until Rob Ryan gets at least an interim head coaching opportunity. No Rob, no rub. That's a fact. It's quite literally the least I could do.

Fox NFL Sunday theme song should be played at PFT's funeral

I'm on record that I want the Fox NFL Sunday music played on a loop at my funeral. That's how you'll know that I'm done and down for the count.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt - having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Jamal Charles ACL tear is only a hurt - kids should preemptively tear their ACLs

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer - he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Arian Foster should convert to Christianity to improve his play

Arian Foster is a noted atheist. If there's one thing that God hates more than the devil, it's people like Foster who don't have the courage to believe in anything beyond the nose on their face. Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans.

Atheism is the default setting for humans - a lazy man's religion

Atheism, it's a lazy man's religion because it's the default setting for humans. When you get reincarnated, God hits the reset to manufacturer specifications button on your soul, and it's up to you to figure out a way out of the mess.

Joe Flacco is not elite - Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

Ray Nagin spent New Orleans' electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes

The Superdome lights burned out because the city of New Orleans hadn't paid their bills. Former Mayor Ray Nagin had spent the entire city's electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

If you're not early to my show, you're late -- tune in 15 minutes before air

If you're not early to my show, you're late. So for future reference, you need to be tuning in 15 minutes before I hit the air. Otherwise, what are you even doing here?

This show is an open forum for people of all Christian denominations to talk football

It's going to be a safe place. It's going to be an open forum for people of all Christian denominations to talk football.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me -- otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

This is a God first league

You have to do that if you're an NFL player. This is a God first league.

Baptism is the ultimate participation trophy

When you think about it, isn't baptizing a child the ultimate participation trophy? They haven't earned shit yet. They're just a little kid. And you're trying to get them into the kingdom of heaven? I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but that's some bullshit. You have to go out there and you have to earn eternal salvation. All of a sudden, we're giving this kid the keys to the kingdom just for showing up? That doesn't sound like the God I know. My God doesn't like moochers.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Jason Witten with two sprained ankles is hurt, not injured

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Joe Flacco is elite because he literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year, up until that point. The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

The only degree that matters in the NFL is the temperature of your takes

The game of football, it's become so geared towards stats these days with fantasy football and daily fantasy stuff and all that garbage that it's almost like you've got to have two master's degrees and not getting laid to figure out what's going on. The only degree that matters when it comes to the NFL is the temperature of your takes.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

John Fox's name literally translates to 'Fox Toilet'

John Fox's name, look it up in the dictionary, literally translates to Fox Toilet. And if I were him, I'd be more worried about plumbers than numbers.