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Void
Oct 22, 2015·Hurt or Injured
#20484
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Satirical take from the 'Hurt or Injured' segment. The coughing-on-the-football strategic advice is deliberately absurd.

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Void
Oct 22, 2015·Monologue
#20472
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Pope should leave science to people who don't feel global warming

Lord, please tell the Pope that he needs to leave the science to all of us who don't feel the effects of global warming.

Satirical take on climate change deniers dismissing Pope Francis's climate encyclical Laudato Si (June 2015).
Loss
Oct 22, 2015·Monologue
#20473
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice

I'm putting the Bill Simmons podcast on notice this week, baby. I'm coming for you, Bill. There's nothing you can do to stop me. It's a revolution.

PFT's solo Steam Room podcast never overtook Bill Simmons. However, six months later PFT co-created Pardon My Take which became one of the biggest sports podcasts ever.
Loss
Oct 22, 2015·Monologue
#20474
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think [Dan Campbell] might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Dan Campbell went 5-7 as interim coach in 2015 and did not reach or win the Super Bowl that season (the Broncos won).

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Open
Nov 2, 2026
#31796
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

It requires Garrett Bolles to record a touch before the end of his career; that has not been resolved here.
Open
Nov 2, 2026
#31800
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

Whether Philadelphia's offense performs better without A.J. Brown is a season-level comparative claim and is not reliably resolved here.
Void
Nov 2, 2026
#31802
PFT CommenterPFT Commenter

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.

This is a deliberately satirical roster-building proposal, not a prediction that can be objectively graded.