PMT DB
PMT DB
The Cowboys found a new and even more humiliating way to lose, the Chiefs discovered that fourth-quarter magic can apparently expire, and Joe Fno briefly looked like the answer to all of Baltimore's problems. NFL Week 8 had everything: a 79-point Bengals-Titans track meet, a Buccaneers win with essentially no forward passes, and Hank trying to convince everyone that the Patriots are secretly a one-seed.
Fastest Two Minutes, Fastest Way To Say Fno
The Fastest Two Minutes opened with the usual roster of AI-generated names, including “QB squash Allen,” “Dr. Noah Meredith Grey,” and the immortal Joe Fno. Buffalo handled Baltimore 36-10 after Lamar Jackson got hurt immediately, Snoop Huntley lasted four passes, and Fno went from “wait, is this guy good?” to “this guy is probably not an NFL quarterback” in the span of one afternoon.
The recap also covered Bo Nix's latest fourth-quarter escape, the Raiders throwing almost exclusively to tight ends and running backs, and Mike Pennix throwing four interceptions in a rainstorm while Baker Mayfield completed zero passes. Football was invented for exactly this kind of Sunday.
The Vikings Have A Quarterback Problem
Detroit survived Minnesota 19-15 behind Jahmyr Gibbs, who ran 23 times for 153 yards and wore down a Vikings defense that blitzed on 26 of 29 dropbacks. PFT liked the plan: let the Vikings blitz until they got tired, then keep handing the ball to Gibbs until the game belonged to Detroit.
The real Minnesota story was Kyler Murray, who never found a rhythm and stopped using his legs. Justin Jefferson, previously the NFL's most agreeable and professional wide receiver, finally appeared to reach his breaking point. Big Cat saw the body language and made the diagnosis.
Big CatThe Vikings officially have a Kyler Murray problem
I think we can officially say they have a Kyler Murray problem. Justin Jefferson has reached his point where he's like, 'What the fuck is going on?' So that would be my point. Maybe there's a Kyler Murray issue.
Naturally, the proposed solution was to bring back Kirk Cousins, an outdoor cat who is currently doing exactly enough to make Minnesota wonder if it made a mistake. The Vikings have an elite defense and an offense that ranks near the bottom of the league, which is the perfect recipe for desperate trade-deadline speculation.
Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and Two Very Different Offenses
The Steelers crushed Cleveland 27-6, extended the Browns' regular-season losing streak in Pittsburgh to 23 games, and looked like an actual football team instead of a collection of fourth-quarter miracles. Jalen Warren has given Pittsburgh something it has not had in years: a running game that can create offense instead of merely avoiding disaster.
Big CatJalen Warren is a top-five running back
Jalen Warren is the top five running back this year. And it's like watching him play, that changes what I think about the Steelers.
Cincinnati and Tennessee produced the most fun game of the early slate, a 43-36 Bengals win where Joe Burrow threw five touchdowns, three interceptions, and basically tried every possible way to win. Cam Ward looked like a competent NFL quarterback, Tony Pollard ran all over Cincinnati, and the Bengals defense once again made everyone remember that “fixed” and “not as bad as last year” are different things.
Big Cat's read on Cincinnati is that it can flip a switch and turn any game into a track meet. With Burrow throwing to Ja'Marr Chase and Tee Higgins, that is not a terrible button to have.
Big CatThe Bengals can turn any game into a track meet
They can hit the track meet button, but, and just turn any game into shootout and trust the fact that chances are they'll win more shootouts than they'll lose.
The Cowboys Lose Better Than Anyone
Dallas led Arizona by 14 in the fourth quarter and still lost 33-30 in overtime. The Cardinals were down to the backup Avengers, Gardner Minshew and Tyler Allgeier, while the Cowboys treated every red-zone possession like the goal was to preserve a three-point lead rather than score a touchdown.
Gardner Minshew came in and threw three touchdowns, the Cardinals came back twice, and Dallas became the first Cowboys team to lose at home after leading by 14 in the fourth quarter. Jerry Jones said he was not making a coaching change, while also carefully describing the exact coaching change he was not making. Brian Schottenheimer's offense played scared, the defense allowed 20-plus points for the 15th straight game, and George Pickens celebrated a touchdown that was negated by both being down and a penalty.
The Cowboys do not simply lose. They create new genres of losing.
Memes Has Seen Enough Of The Jets
The Raiders beat the Jets 38-33 in a surprisingly entertaining game, mostly because both defenses seemed to take the afternoon off. New York reached the red zone on its first six drives but settled for three field goals and lost despite a decent offensive showing.
Memes' conclusion was less about the game and more about accepting the full rebuild. The Jets have three picks in the top ten, their offense has young players worth keeping, and their defense is somehow made up of Aaron Glenn's handpicked players while also being terrible. That is an impressive organizational paradox.
MemesThe Jets will not win another game this season
Also, Jets aren't winning a game for the rest of the year.
The best part of the Jets' day may have been losing. It kept the draft capital intact and moved the team one step closer to finding out whether it can draft three future stars or three new reasons to be mad in April.
A Shutout Without A Passing Game
Tampa Bay beat Atlanta 16-0 in a game where the Buccaneers completed zero passes. Baker Mayfield attempted three and completed none, Bucky Irving ran hard, and Todd Bowles put together a dominant rain-game plan. The Falcons responded by asking Michael Penix to throw four interceptions into the weather.
The Bucs have a good defense, an elite offensive line, and a division that remains available to anyone willing to grab it. Big Cat is now looking at a path where Tampa can win the NFC South by going undefeated inside the division.
Big CatThe Buccaneers could win the NFC South by going 6-0 in the division
The Bucs might be able to win the South by just going six and oh in the NFC South.
Meanwhile, Indianapolis got annihilated by Jacksonville 42-7 and went from frisky to completely lifeless in roughly three weeks. Hank ranked the Colts below even the Chargers as a watch, which is an especially bleak place to be. Trevor Etienne kept making the fourth-round running back argument look smarter, and the Jaguars solved their red-zone issues by simply scoring before they got there.
HankThe Colts are even less watchable than the Chargers
They are the deadest, most non-competitive football team, other than the Chargers, that I've ever seen. I think they might be worse.
Patriots Feelings Versus Patriots Reality
New England beat Miami 24-19 after a terrible first half and a much better second half from Drake Maye. The Patriots had no healthy receiving corps, the weather was ugly, and Malik Willis eventually remembered that being Malik Willis is a difficult lifestyle.
Hank, looking at a 4-4 team sitting behind Buffalo, was not interested in the current standings. He was interested in the standings as they felt in his heart.
HankThe Patriots feel like a one- or two-seed
I feel like the Bills are gonna lose another game. Not against the Patriots. Lose their next game against the Patriots and then we're gonna be in the same spot. So where do you feel though overall? Like are you the two seed? One seed possibly one seed. Two. Two or one seed. Yeah. That's how it feels.
That is how you get from “we are the seventh seed” to “one seed possibly” without technically changing any facts. The Patriots' next game against Green Bay immediately became a referendum on whether Hank's feelings were allowed to exist.
The Chargers Need To Burn The Boats
The Rams beat the Chargers 24-9, Los Angeles' third straight game without an offensive touchdown. Justin Herbert threw two sad interceptions, Jim Harbaugh kicked a field goal on fourth-and-two, and the entire Chargers offense looked like it was trying to make four yards feel like a major accomplishment.
PFT's proposed solution was radical but internally consistent: remove the punter, kicker, and long snapper, then go for it on every down because the season is already over.
PFT CommenterThe Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time
The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.
The Chargers' next realistic silver lining may be that they get to play Joe Fno. That is not a sentence that should inspire confidence.
Fourth-Quarter Bo Takes The Chiefs' Magic
Denver beat Kansas City 28-24 after a goal-line stand that felt impossible until it happened. The Chiefs had the ball at the end, Mahomes scrambled to his right, and the usual piece of dark magic never appeared. Harrison Butker missed a 54-yard field goal earlier in the game, giving Denver a short field and a chance to let fourth-quarter Bo do what fourth-quarter Bo does.
Big Cat called it a passing of the torch: Denver's late-game weirdness outlasted Kansas City's late-game inevitability. The Broncos still had under 300 yards and went 2-for-11 on third down, but their defense keeps every game close enough for Nix to become a different quarterback when the clock gets desperate.
Big CatThe Broncos inherited the Chiefs' fourth-quarter dark magic
I do think this was a mini passing of the torch. It's a passing of the torch in the Bo. Fourth quarter Broncos dark magic outlasting the Chiefs dark magic.
Who's Back: Darkness, Jordan, and Arlington Heights
Hank declared darkness back after the clocks changed, a move that means it is now nighttime before some people finish work. PFT agreed that waking up to a pitch-black window is one of life's worst tricks. Memes then tried to use Villanova's trip to Rome as a reason to be mad at the Pope after the Wildcats turned the ball over 20 times and lost without their supposed home-field religious advantage.
The most combustible Who's Back item involved the reported breakup between Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. Big Cat and PFT immediately promoted Jordan to America's most eligible bachelorette, while Hank took Bill's side so aggressively that everyone began planning the awkward clip package for the inevitable reconciliation.
The final bit of business was the Bears stadium saga. Big Cat believes Arlington Heights was always the destination, Indiana was leverage, and Kevin Warren may have accidentally believed his own leverage plan.
Big CatThe Bears are staying in Arlington Heights
The Bears stadium is probably Arlington Heights. It was always gonna be there. Indiana was always a ruse. And I think, actually, the problem was Kevin Warren fell for it.
The episode ended with birthdays, a few Commanders playoff scenarios PFT insisted were not real belief, and the general understanding that Washington's season is only alive if it beats the Rams. That is enough hope for one Monday, but not enough to make Dan Quinn a head coach.
And somewhere in Denver, fourth-quarter Bo is still waiting for the next disaster to become his opportunity.
