Takes

Interim head coaches are the uncles of the sports world

These are interim head coaches and they are the best. They are the uncles of the sports world. They pull into town for a couple weeks when your old man's away on a business trip, and they let you have a beer if you introduce them to your hot teacher. You can learn more from six hours in a Hooters with your uncle than you do in six years with a guy that has to stick around to deal with the consequences.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

If you're swallowing you're wallowing - players shouldn't need water breaks

I turn off the water supply of the building, too. If you're swallowing, you're wallowing. I want players who don't need water breaks. It's also an unnecessary expense, and the owner will be very appreciative of my cost-cutting efforts.

Locker rooms should have cruise ship mentality, not submarine mentality

People say that a locker room is like a submarine mentality. I want it to be above water, not below it. It's more of a cruise ship mentality. Water's cut off, there's shit on the deck, the buffet's out of everything except for Chinese Jell-O, and everyone's thirsty, but guess what? We're in it together.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to not be fit to coach the Browns?

How much of a liability do you have to be to alienate the Raiders? How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to have a group of people decide that you are not fit to coach the Browns?

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt - having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer - he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

NFL pros shouldn't have contact with college teams if college players can't contact pros

I'm of the mindset that if you're in college and you're not allowed to have any contact whatsoever with a professional team or an agent, then when you're a professional, you should not have any contact with your college team or you should not be able to take a class or learn anything really.

Andy Dalton's red hair gives Bengals an unfair competitive advantage

His hair seems to be almost more red than it was last year. Like he's doubling down on his Dalton. Do you think it's unfair that Andy Dalton has something different than any other quarterback in the NFL? There's no way that you can game plan for that. What are you going to put in on scout team? Are you going to hire one of the guys from Pete and Pete to be a situational scout team player so that you can prepare for that on Sunday?

DeAngelo Williams needs to understand America cares about his highlights on the field, not in his hair

What DeAngelo Williams needs to understand is that America cares more about the highlights he puts on the field than the highlights he puts in his hair.

Water makes you weak - real football players do swish and spit

When I was a high school football player, I used to always tell the underclassmen that water makes you weak. So we do like swish and spit.

Belichick is probably already exploiting the groin hit technique before they change the rules

It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

Jeff Fisher's defense is bend but don't break - Chris Long's knee embodies it

That's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break. So you're embodying that terrifically.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

This is a God first league

You have to do that if you're an NFL player. This is a God first league.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Jason Witten with two sprained ankles is hurt, not injured

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Brandon Weeden and Chris Weinke regressed because they won too many games in college

You've got players like spring chickens like your Brandon Weeden's and your Chris Weinke's, two young fellows that made it to the NFL, but they had won too many games in college, and they quickly regressed and kind of became garbage.

Joe Flacco is elite because he literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year, up until that point. The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

There's no correlation between Obama and the Bears being 0-3

I think if you look at the correlation between the Bears and Obama, it's only a coincidence. I don't think that there's anything dastardly going on. A lot of people forget that Mike Ditka was actually running for Illinois State Senate against Obama back in the late 90s.

Joe Montana was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl after a black quarterback won one

A lot of people forget this, but he was the first white quarterback to win a Super Bowl in NFL history after a black one won one.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

Danny Woodhead is not deceptively athletic, he's undeceptively athletic

Some people say that you're deceptively athletic, but I just think that you're undeceptively athletic, and it should be plain to anybody watching you.

Danny Woodhead not getting a penalty is like Cal Ripken's streak but shouldn't be celebrated

I respect the fact that you have never been penalized in the NFL. I think it's impressive, but isn't it a little bit silly that people are celebrating you for not breaking the law? Like, it's sad that it's come to the point where you've got literally only one player in the league who plays by the rules. It's like I don't get an award if I complete my probation without breaking back into the pet store.