Takes

Coach K is using bizarre 'freshman roommate' pitches to recruit Zion Williamson

Coach K. He also said, this is a weird move by Coach K. He's telling Zion Williamson, at a school like Duke, it's tough to get in. So he said, you never know who you could be living with. You might be on the hall with a person who will be the president one day or a brain surgeon... Why not just be like, hey, Zion, come to Duke and then you'll go to the draft and be a millionaire.

Jim Harbaugh's enthusiasm for his own colonoscopy makes him a 'basic bitch'

Jim Harbaugh, who yesterday tweeted, 'attacking this day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind before my 1:30 p.m. colonoscopy.' I also like it because he's kind of a basic bitch. He has like a black and white picture of him smiling in the middle of a street in Ann Arbor. Like, 'hey, I'm about to go get my butthole fingered.'

Russell Wilson acts like a seventh grader who is in love for the first time

This is the behavior of a seventh grader who's in love for the first time... I just don't understand why you have to tell the world constantly that you love your wife.

Richie Incognito is the kind of guy you want on your side when the chips are down

He is that dude that you want on your side when the chips are down. Yeah. He's that dude. He really is.

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.