PMT DB
PMT DB
Uncle Chaps, Mike Portnoy, and Pat McAfee on NHL Playoffs and Piss Charts
NHL playoff hockey is officially back, which means Big Cat and PFT are already in peak emotional distress. While Big Cat is mourning the Blackhawks getting shut out, PFT is riding the high of a Capitals overtime win, credit entirely to his new "clutch" overtime JNCOs. The guys are fully embracing the grit of the postseason, even if the stress of overtime is enough to make anyone lose years of their life.
PFT CommenterOvertime hockey is the worst experience in sports when your team is playing
You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.
They also poked fun at the Canadian teams going 0-4 to start, suggesting that maybe Canada should just institute a nationwide 50-50 raffle to boost their spirits. PFT remains skeptical about the advantages of playing at home in the spring, noting that ice is ice regardless of the zip code.
PFT CommenterThere is no such thing as home ice advantage in the NHL playoffs
You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.
Emergency Football Guys and Roasts
In a rare triple-guest Friday, Uncle Chaps stopped by to fulfill his duties as the show's resident illiterate veteran. Before getting to the roasts, the guys touched on the theory that John Madden is actually a Weekend at Bernie's situation and that Bill Belichick is the ultimate baller for treating a murder trial subpoena like a late fee at Blockbuster.
Big CatBill Belichick missing a court subpoena is the ultimate 'baller' move
He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's genius. That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.
Chaps then read a series of brutal roasts from the award-winning listeners, including descriptions of Big Cat as a "man-tittied fat boy" and PFT as a "ginger butch neo-Nazi." The segment peaked with the revelation that Big Cat’s "outside voice" apparently sounds like a fake orgasm from a famous adult film star.
Portnoy’s Complaints: The Spousal Edition
In a historic PMT moment, Mike Portnoy brought his wife onto the program to list her complaints about him. Mrs. Portnoy absolutely unloaded, calling out Mr. Portnoy for his aggressive driving, his inability to fix anything in the house, and his habit of eating popsicles with an incredibly annoying amount of noise.
Mr. Portnoy attempted to defend his honor, claiming he’s currently in the midst of a legendary heater when it comes to home maintenance.
Mr. PortnoyI am currently on a hot streak of fixing things around the house
For 42 and a half of those years, I couldn't fix anything. But all of a sudden, in the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them. And I even amazed myself.
He also claimed to be a "whiz" on the computer because he knows how to turn it on and off, though he admitted he spent ninety minutes trying to figure out why his iPad Wi-Fi didn't automatically connect to his smartphone.
The Internet is Too Cynical
During a quick shoe roast of the new Lions jerseys, Big Cat went against the grain of the internet's hate. While everyone was busy mocking the new gray alternates, Big Cat stood up for the brands, arguing that people are just looking for things to be mad at on slow news days.
Big CatThe internet is too cynical about new jerseys and the Lions' grays aren't that bad
I think they're fine. I think they're good. This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful and then everyone just jumps on it. The grays don't look that bad.
PFT agreed that the outrage was a bit much, especially since the jerseys are almost identical to the old ones, just with a small tribute patch added.
PFT CommenterThe internet's cynical reaction to the Lions' new uniforms is overblown
The internet is so cynical all the time that it's like they literally are the same uniforms as the old uniforms. They just have a William Clay Ford tribute on them... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it.
Jimbos with Pat McAfee
The week wrapped up with our favorite recurring punter, Pat McAfee. Pat joined to discuss his new venture in Indianapolis, which he has officially dubbed Barstool America. He shared a quintessential Jim Irsay story involving a golf tournament, a $100,000 donation, and Irsay’s uncanny vocal resemblance to a concussed Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
Pat McAfeeIndianapolis is the true 'Barstool America' because it's stereotypical heartland
We Oxford Dictionary-ed what America is. Stereotypically American was the answer, and I said, well, I think that's more like everything I do in my life... I'm all about the heartland here. And even New York City, boy, has grown on me... but when I got here, I really thought I was in foreign land.
The Jimbo segment was an all-timer, featuring a listener who accidentally chugged her own "yellow and smelly" blackout piss bottle. While that’s objectively disgusting, PFT thinks there are far worse things you could find in a stray bottle in the dark.
PFT CommenterSwallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee
I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.
Between girls proving they have diarrhea too and dudes breaking their collarbones trying to be a hard-o at Ultimate Frisbee, it was a banner week for people making terrible life choices.
Next week, the guys are bringing on Nate Silver to see if his analytics can finally explain why we like this show.
