Takes

Cade Klubnik is a future Hall of Famer

This kid for Clemson is a future Hall of Famer... I've seen five passes from him. Hall of Famer, talking gold jacket folks. Where were you when we said this? [Cade] Klubnik. He's legit.

San Diego State punter Matt Araiza should be a first-round pick

Someone should draft [Matt Araiza] in the first round. ... If he can punt like this all the time, it actually is an incredible game changer. ... You think that if the Patriots took him... I think they should take him. That's the perfect end of first round draft pick.

I am an absolute weapon and I'm going to give 180 seconds of hell to Jose Canseco

I'm fucking gonna go balls to the wall... I'm an absolute weapon... I can get hit. I can look like I'm about to die when I'm a zombie. Keep coming.

The NFL will play its 2020 season, but college football is in a very precarious situation

College football is in more of a precarious situation to actually go off on time. If I had to bet right now, I actually don't know... I still think NFL is going to happen. I don't know if college football is going to happen.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.

Coleslaw is both a salad and a liquid that keeps you hydrated

Coleslaw is the rare food that is both a salad and a liquid at the same time. So if you eat enough coleslaw, you stay hydrated.

Players are statistically less likely to get a concussion without a helmet

I think you're actually statistically less likely to get a concussion when you're not wearing a helmet. Agree, because you protect your head more. That's basically that's a basic fact of human reaction to things.

Kyle Shanahan is the most likely coach to be the first one ejected under new NFL rules

I think a sneaky one is Kyle Shanahan because, one, he's a dick. Number two, he's got that entitlement thing, or at least the refs will think he's got that entitlement thing. So if he says one thing that crosses the line, they'll be like, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

College baseball coaches and football strength coaches are the same species of person

College baseball coaches and high school baseball coaches are under the same phylum as football strength coaches. They're very similar. They're very similar species... College baseball coaches definitely still spit dip in their players' faces and have weird sayings and call them all pussies.

Mike Gundy has decided to be a crazy person for the rest of his career as a branding move

I think what happened was he went out and he saw how good it felt to say something crazy and be perceived as like a crazy dangerous person in public that he's like you know what I'm just going to be fucking nuts for the rest of my career that's my brand that's what I'm going with I'm going to out crazy Mike Leach.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR. Anytime you want to get real football fans behind you, just tell them that John Madden says it's like this.

The Falcons technically won the Super Bowl according to Bill Belichick's math

[Belichick's] exact quote was really at halftime the game is two thirds over because the fourth quarter is just situational football. So spin zone, the Falcons technically won the Super Bowl.

Eli Manning definitely committed fraud with the game-worn gear scandal

He did commit fraud. That's okay. What he should do is just come out and be like, hey, guys, I committed fraud. That's on me.

Shaka Smart having an assistant hold a paint can to remind players to stay in the paint is a good move

You know, we make fun of a lot of things and we kind of have a good time on this podcast, but I actually buy this move. Full on. That is like a literal, you know, get into the paint while a guy's flashing a can of paint in your face. You remember to get in the paint.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Chip Kelly will be the offensive coordinator for LSU

I'm just going to put this out here. Chip Kelly to LSU. Offense coordinator? I'm just saying, Chip Kelly to LSU, even though him and Coach O, they don't speak the same language.

Jeff Fisher will become a VP of Football Operations for a moving team

I think we called it he's going to be vice president of football operations somewhere. ... For maybe when the Chargers move. ... The Chargers fire McCoy. They hire Fisher to handle the logistics and the move.

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Ed Orgeron is officially the greatest interim coach of all time

Is he officially the greatest interim coach of all time? His last head coaching stint at Ole Miss, where he went 10-25... he's won more games as an interim coach than a head coach.

Nick Saban would actually kill a reporter on camera if it didn't stop him from coaching the next week

Nick Saban actually would kill a reporter, I think, on camera. If he could still coach next week, if he could coach in the Iron Bowl, even though he killed a reporter at halftime, he would do it.

Ben McAdoo is a watered-down fraud of a football guy

Ben McAdoo seems like he's trying real hard as a first-year head coach to be a football guy. I think he's overextending himself a little bit. He sounds like a fraud. He's like a watered-down football guy.

Bill Belichick 100% pays attention to metrics but acts like he doesn't for his brand

He absolutely pays attention to metrics. 100% he does, but he acts like he doesn't. So he's playing a double mind game... he's like I'm going to make them think that I'm even more of a football guy than I really am when behind the scenes I've got my spreadsheets set out.

NFL coaches only work out to prevent stress-induced heart attacks, not to get in shape

A very football guy move, they're not working out to get in shape. They're just working out so they don't have a heart attack. It's purely to stop the heart attack. Get through the day. Yes. Stress heart attack. Everyone knows you cure a stress heart attack by going on the elliptical for 45 minutes.

LSU will win their first game under Ed Orgeron because of the 'interim coach boost'

There's no chance that LSU doesn't win their next game. Coach O, he's the fiery guy.

Nick Saban doesn't have sex, he just 'soaks' and watches film

I don't think that Saban has sex. I think that Saban just soaks. You know what soaking is? Yeah, it's the Mormon thing. He just soaks it for a while. And then he's watching film, grading players at the same time.

John Madden has been dead for years and the NFL uses fake quotes for PR

The theory of this show is that John Madden has been dead for years and that the NFL just uses fake John Madden quotes for PR.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.