Takes

Kevin Durant will sign with the Knicks to get his 'masculinity' back

This is going to be the greatest free agent summer of all time, because we basically have Kevin Durant being like, can an entire internet troll him into going to the Knicks just to try to get his made-up masculinity back... We will take away the Triple B [Baby Back Bitch] if he goes to the Knicks.

Zion Williamson chose Duke over Kansas solely for the free education

Zion... decided not to go to Kansas for said money or whatever occupational preferences... and instead decided he wanted to go get an education for free at Duke University... Can't a young person just change their mind and say, I'd rather not have money? I'd rather play for Coach K.

Kawhi Leonard will never play another game for the San Antonio Spurs

Kawhi's never playing another game for the San Antonio Spurs. I don't know... I really don't think so... The fact that he's not even speaking to anyone, it seems like he's not speaking to anyone on the Spurs... I don't think he's ever playing another game for the Spurs.

Tom Brady gamed his combine/strength tests or the Patriots are lying about his scores improving with age

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... how you did one round, you had to beat it the next round. So you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

Adam Schefter didn't go to Mexico because he's afraid of getting kidnapped because he fits perfectly in a trunk

Maybe because his body is so short and it fits so perfectly in a trunk, he doesn't want to go there and get kidnapped.

Tom Brady's absence from practice is linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats over the weekend. Hmm. Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.