Takes

Tommy Pham is only alive because he has too much muscle to be killed by a knife

Doctors told Tommy Pham after he was stabbed that if he wasn't so muscular, he would maybe be dead or paralyzed, which is the greatest flex of all time. Being like, if I was a weak fucking scrawny bitch boy, I'd be dead. But instead, I'm an alpha male with a shitload of muscles so I can handle a stabbing.

People who get offended by bat flips in baseball are silly

People getting offended by bat flips are so silly. I fucking love this. I think this might be a straw man now. I think we've gotten to the point where... now I think we might just be arguing against no one.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.