PMT DB
PMT DB
Mike Portnoy on ESPN Legal Battles and the Houston Texans' Quarterback Graveyard
NFL Free Agency is in full swing, and Big Cat and PFT Commenter are trying to make sense of a world where the Cleveland Browns are somehow the most logical team in the league by simply doing nothing. While other teams are throwing money at problems, the Browns are letting everyone walk out the door, which PFT argues is actually a galaxy-brain move to avoid the inevitable public failure of a splash signing.
PFT CommenterThe Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again
I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.
PFT also pointed out that for a team like Cleveland, the only way to actually acquire talent is through the draft, which he views as a more sanctioned form of human trafficking.
PFT CommenterThe NFL Draft is essentially just kidnapping players for the benefit of the Cleveland Browns
The only reason [the Browns] can get players to play on their team is by essentially tricking them to join the team via the draft. That's pretty much – the draft is kidnapping players, if we're going to be honest with themselves.
Meanwhile, the Houston Texans decided to back up the Brinks truck for Brock Osweiler. Big Cat is convinced this is a match made in heaven, mostly because Osweiler perfectly fits the mold of the mediocre-to-terrible white quarterbacks that have defined the Texans' franchise since its inception.
Big CatBrock Osweiler is the perfect fit to continue the Texans' lineage of awful quarterbacks
Brock Osweiler to the Texans, there has never been a better fit in the entire world. And I'm not talking about fit like, oh, the Texans need a quarterback... I'm talking about Brock Osweiler is the perfect guy to continue the Houston Texans mantle of awful quarterbacks. David Carr, Sage Rosenfels, T.J. Yates, Matt Schaub, Brandon Weeden, Ryan Mallett, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Hoyer.
Beyond the scheme fit, Big Cat has a very specific physical concern for the new $72 million man. At 6'8", Osweiler is simply too much human being for the NFL field.
Big CatBrock Osweiler is so tall that he will trip a lot in the NFL
Brock Osweiler. He's like six-eight. He's crazy tall, too tall. I feel like he's going to trip a lot in the NFL. Is that crazy?
The Fall and Rise of Adam Schefter
There is a war brewing in the NFL insider world, and Adam Schefter is feeling the heat. With Ian Rapoport snatching scoops and Schefter getting caught by fake troll accounts, the guys think we are seeing a man on the edge. PFT actually likes the desperation, noting that Schefter's recent outburst at Hannah Storm is a sign that the competitive fire is still burning.
PFT CommenterAdam Schefter is a 'strong buy' because he still has the fire to make a comeback
I like that fire, though. You got to have that fire to make a comeback. So Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.
Goose Gossage vs. The Nerds
Baseball is back, and so is the irrational anger of old men. Goose Gossage went on an all-time rant against Jose Bautista and the "Harvard nerds" ruining the game with their rotisserie baseball. The guys are fully on board with the entertainment value of a 60-year-old man who still wants to give wedgies to anyone who looks at a spreadsheet. The debate naturally shifted to bat flips, which Big Cat uses as his definitive moral compass for the human race.
Big CatHating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person
Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.
Legal Counsel with Mr. Portnoy
Since ESPN sent a cease and desist letter regarding the show's name and logo, the guys did the only logical thing: they called Dave Portnoy’s dad. Mike Portnoy, the only lawyer they know, joined the show to provide some pro bono (and very noncommittal) advice. He confirmed that Disney is indeed pushing around the little guy, but warned that simply telling them to kick rocks might not be a sustainable long-term strategy.
Mr. PortnoyDisney and ESPN have the power to push Pardon My Take around as a 'big guy' vs 'little guy' dynamic
Oh, it's definitely ESPN and Disney pushing around the little guy, but they have the ability to push you around. That's what big guys do to little guys. That's what the economy and life is all about, I guess. ... This isn't going to go away unless something is done. I don't think you can keep in the posture that you're in right now and basically get back to them and say, F you. I don't think that's going to get you very far.
In the spirit of compromise, Big Cat and PFT announced they are changing the logo to avoid further confusion with certain four-letter networks, but the name is staying put.
Big CatPardon My Take will not change its name despite ESPN's cease and desist
We've changed the logo. ... We are not changing the name. We will fight to the death to not change this name. So ESPN, come at us. We're not fucking budging on that.
Overrated and Jimbos
In a special 3/11 edition of Overrated, PFT took aim at the band 311, calling them the ultimate soundtrack for the middle schooler who started smoking weed way too early.
PFT CommenterThe band 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time
In honor of 311, I'm going to talk about overrated bands. And number one on my list is the band 311. ... 311 is the band that your friend in middle school that started smoking weed before everybody got really into. ... The fact is that 311 just sucks. And they have maybe one or two songs that I will not change the radio station to. But overall, I would say that 311 is, even when you're high, 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time.
Big Cat followed up by attacking Oasis, not for their music, but for their blatant attempt to trick the general public into thinking they were actually the Beatles.
Big CatOasis is an overrated band because they were just confusing the marketplace by ripping off the Beatles
My one overrated band, I'm going with Oasis because I honestly – you want to talk about copyright infringement? I thought Oasis were the Beatles for a really long time. So I'm saying Oasis. They clearly were trying to rip off the Beatles and make everyone – they were confusing the marketplace. And I don't appreciate that.
The show wrapped up with the inaugural "Jimbo of the Week" segment, featuring a listener who actually ran himself over with his own car while trying to stop it from rolling away in neutral. It’s a high bar for stupidity that will be hard to top next week.
If you see a man in yoga pants at a Lululemon this weekend, just know it might be PFT trying to confuse the marketplace.
