Takes

Tommy Pham is only alive because he has too much muscle to be killed by a knife

Doctors told Tommy Pham after he was stabbed that if he wasn't so muscular, he would maybe be dead or paralyzed, which is the greatest flex of all time. Being like, if I was a weak fucking scrawny bitch boy, I'd be dead. But instead, I'm an alpha male with a shitload of muscles so I can handle a stabbing.

James Harden literally ate his way out of Houston

Yeah, that is what happened, James. You got fat. James, you got fat. You ate your way out of Houston, which is very difficult to do.

College football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus

I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.

Kevin Love is the Joker of the NBA for undermining his coach and then acting upset when he's fired

It sounds like with Kevin Love, he sounds like the Joker and Batman where he's like, 'I was just chasing cars. I don't know what I would do if I ever caught one.' So his thrill this entire year was just undermining his coach [John Beilein] and insinuating that he should be fired. But now that he actually got fired, Kevin Love's like, 'What now? What do I do?'

The Cleveland Cavaliers will have five coaches in an 18-month span

I want them to fire their interim [J.B. Bickerstaff] between the end of the season because they're going for the record. I think this is their fourth... I need them to get five coaches in like the span of 18 months. I don't think that's possible, but they're knocking on the door.

Antonio Brown will return to the Patriots following his apology to Robert Kraft

Did you see that every single Patriot basically liked it? And he used a semicolon, which means there's a chance that someone wrote it for him, which means that it was like, hey, post this apology. And maybe you'll come back... do you guys think it's a coincidence that after the Patriots' offensive performance on Sunday that this all of a sudden comes very early the next week?

Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in baseball because he got lead poisoning from snorting fighting necklaces

What it basically amounts to is Trevor Bauer is the dumbest player in Major League Baseball, possibly sports. Trevor Bauer got spooked by a fake tweet in 2011 that Obama was going to take his fighting necklaces and confiscate them. So he snorted them and then got lead poisoning, and now he's the dumbest player in baseball.

People who get offended by bat flips in baseball are silly

People getting offended by bat flips are so silly. I fucking love this. I think this might be a straw man now. I think we've gotten to the point where... now I think we might just be arguing against no one.

Never trust a man with a ponytail

Ponytails feel like a big red flag to me. As a dude with long hair, I go out of my way to not wear a ponytail ever... Never trust a ponytail.

Cam Newton can't be sexist because he only alienates his male teammates

All Cam Newton really had to do, if we're being honest, is just be like, hey, if I'm so sexist, how come I only alienate my male teammates? How come I refuse to dive on balls when men are there? I cross to the other side of the street when I see men on a loose ball.

Jeff Van Gundy is white-knighting for Khloe Kardashian because he has a thing for her

But what it sounded like, it sounded like Jeff has a little thing for Khloe... So he's white knighting, really. He's trying to fuck Khloe.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

Once you reach a certain level of wealth, you can ignore the world and its pressure

I don't like Dan Snyder, but I respect that once you get to a certain level of wealth, you can just say fuck you to the whole world no matter what happens. The pressure of the world doesn't count. It was like Jerry Jones who basically said Greg Hardy should run for president... Once you get to a certain level, it just doesn't matter.

The 'Redskins' name is the only slur that has gotten less offensive over time

That is really the only word then that has gotten less offensive as time goes on. Like name any other slur and it always gets more offensive... I think white people need to kind of pat themselves on the back on this one for making Redskins no longer a racist term.

LeBron James is the most valuable player in the NBA, regardless of who wins MVP

I would say LeBron should be the MVP this year, though. He is the most valuable player in the NBA. That's a fact. Well, I guess we got to get into a debate over what valuable means.

Roy Williams is legitimately smarter about basketball than any sports reporter

As crazy as it is for Roy to be this surly to everyone, especially after a win, he's not wrong. He does know way more about basketball than we do. So when you second guess him on that stuff... in terms of X's and O's, I don't know... he's smarter.

The Chive is responsible for making Bill Murray annoying

The Chive is to blame for like all the stuff that i hate about bill murray... They just wrote, they did tits and ass and then they said, Bill Murray, comma, get it. Now i'm more confident than ever in my Bill Murray take.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.

Mike Ditka is the only person in sports media who can say anything without backlash because people just accept it as 'just Ditka.'

[Mike Ditka] is the last guy who I think in all of media can basically say whatever he wants, and people will be like, oh, yeah, that's just Ditka. He is the last guy who personifies 'sorry not sorry'.

Mike Ditka hates Obamacare more than he hates the Green Bay Packers.

If there's one thing that Ditka hates more than the Packers, it's Obamacare. He absolutely hates Obamacare for some reason. So I'm going to miss his hot takes.