PMT DB
PMT DB
Brooks Koepka on Body Issues, Random MLB Divisions, and Billy’s Blood Cult
Week five of the sports-less wasteland is officially here, and the descent into madness is accelerating. Big Cat and PFT Commenter are navigating a world where watching HORSE on television is supposed to be a substitute for real competition. PFT isn't buying it for a second.
PFT CommenterThe NBA HORSE competition is completely uninteresting
We did have HORSE last night which I'll tell you right now. I did not watch did not tune into that. Zach LaVine, that's really the only Zach LaVine who competes in every single like off-the-books contest there is... Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever.
With the XFL officially folding its tents, the search for anything resembling a league continues. Big Cat is leaning into the chaos, suggesting that if MLB actually pulls off a return in Arizona and Florida, they should lean into the weirdness by completely blowing up the traditional divisions.
Big CatMLB should use completely random divisions if they play a shortened season
I'm actually all for this because it's going to be such a weird season anyway. If they play a shortened season that why not have just completely random divisions and have it beat something totally different where we always look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was the season that the Cubs were in the same division as the Giants.
Brooks Koepka Joins the Handball Squad
Brooks Koepka made his return to the show to check in from Jupiter, where he’s currently passing the time by becoming a left-handed golf phenom. While most people would struggle to contact the ball, Brooks is casually claiming he’d still be better than almost everyone listening even if he switched sides.
Brooks KoepkaI could break 100 on the golf course playing left-handed
I don't know if I broke a hundred, that'd be pretty good. I'd be happy, pretty satisfied... I can hit it pretty far. I think I hit it like the driver... somewhere, I mean the guy hit it like 300 yards [left-handed].
He also gave some behind-the-scenes details on the ESPN Body Issue, including the awkward reality of having a makeup artist stare at your "bits and pieces" while you're standing in 60-degree rain. The conversation eventually turned to the eventual return of the PGA Tour, which Brooks thinks is going to be an eerie experience for the players on the green.
Brooks KoepkaPlaying golf without fans will be awful and weird
I don't know, I feel like it's gonna be weird. I think it's gonna be awful without fans. I really do. Like how weird is it going to be watching on the TV? ... Imagine this: you sink the putt on the last hole and no one's clapping.
Of course, we had to check in on the most important project in sports: the PMT Handball Team. Brooks is officially all-in, joining a roster that already features Josh Allen and various other Blakes. According to the four-time major winner, the competition doesn't stand a chance against this specific collection of athletes.
Brooks KoepkaOur handball team with NFL quarterbacks and golfers would go undefeated
I feel like team pardon my take would be pretty solid... I don't see ya [losing]... undefeated minimum.
Sorry Not Sorry and Mount Flushmore
In a quick "Sorry Not Sorry," Big Cat took aim at Mike Gundy and the general phenomenon of college football coaches trying to provide public health advice. It turns out that people whose entire lives revolve around recruiting five-stars might not have the most nuanced perspective on a global pandemic.
Big CatCollege football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus
I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.
Then came a highly contentious Mount Flushmore of Appetizers. The guys had to pick the starters that they’d rather see off the menu entirely. Hank immediately set the room on fire by attacking a staple of the seafood tower, much to the confusion of Big Cat and PFT.
HankCalamari is a trash appetizer
Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.
Big Cat followed up by targeting a party classic that he claims ruins your social life for the rest of the evening.
Big CatDeviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer
I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.
Billy Football’s Deep Dive: Cryptozoology and Cults
Billy Football joined the show for a deep dive into the world of "Cryptids," which he describes as the bad boys of the science community. Billy’s research led him to the conclusion that Bigfoot isn't just a myth, but a highly intelligent prehistoric ape that knows how to cover its tracks better than a spec-ops team.
Billy FootballBigfoot is a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus that hides its tracks by burying its dead
There's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus... If they were burying their dead, it means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs like secret tunnels and stuff under the woods.
But the real highlight was the birth of the Berserker Blood Cult. Billy has devised a plan to maximize both life-saving donations and alcohol efficiency. The logic is simple: if you donate blood and then go to the bar, you have less blood to dilute the alcohol, making it a more economical way to get a buzz while technically being a hero.
Billy FootballThe Beserker Blood Cult will make us more efficient drinkers by donating blood
The idea is we show like this is where called does it's called the Berserker blood cult... on Friday, we donate blood platelets or blood and then we like just become blood making machines... you buy alcohol and you can buy less alcohol because your blood levels are lower so your BAC gets higher so it's economical.
PFT was surprisingly quick to adopt the logic, comparing the process of frequent blood donation to a routine maintenance task for your car.
Billy FootballDonating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body
I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.
Stay safe out there and watch out for the sewer gators.
