Brooks Koepka, Mt Flushmore Of Appetizers, And Deep Dive On Cryptic Zoology

I have absolutely zero interest in the NBA HORSE competition

We did have HORSE last night which I'll tell you right now. I did not watch did not tune into that. Zach LaVine, that's really the only Zach LaVine who competes in every single like off-the-books contest there is at the end that the NBA can throw at you. Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever.

MLB should use completely random divisions if they play a shortened season

I'm actually all for this because it's going to be such a weird season anyway. If they play a shortened season that why not have just completely random divisions and have it beat something totally different where we always look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was the season that the Cubs were in the same division as the Giants.

The NCAA will never give up a football season because they need the free money

I think that college is there's just no chance that they're going to give up entire football season. They're gonna figure out a way to make their free money like without that free money... if they miss a football season, they might have to just declare bankruptcy.

I am officially back on the Tua Tagovailoa train now that the lefty witchcraft is gone

Watching [Tua Tagovailoa] throw with an NFL ball looks good. Like the witchcraft is gone or whatever... I think it goes from looking like it's spinning clockwise to looking like it's spinning counterclockwise now that it has the stripes off. So I'm fully on board the Tua train.

I could break 100 on the golf course playing left-handed

I don't know if I broke a hundred, that'd be pretty good. I'd be happy, pretty satisfied... I can hit it pretty far. I think I hit it like the driver... somewhere, I mean the guy hit it like 300 yards [left-handed].

Donald Trump is a better golfer than Barack Obama

You've golfed with both Trump and Obama who's better? [Trump]. Trump's better, a little better. Yeah.

Playing golf without fans in attendance will be awful and super weird

I don't know, I feel like it's gonna be weird. I think it's gonna be awful without fans. I really do. Like how weird is it going to be watching on the TV?... Imagine this, like you sink the putt on the last hole and no one's clapping. You're just there by yourself and you're like, yes, you and your caddy just silent.

College football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus

I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Bigfoot is a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus that hides its tracks by burying its dead

There's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus... If they were burying their dead, it means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs like secret tunnels and stuff under the woods.

There are alligators living in the New York City sewers

New York city sewer gators... they brought them home, they then saw that they were getting way too big or they got bored of them and were flushing down the toilet. They're all the New York City sewers eating giant rats. They're actually down there because it's super hot during the winter, it's super cool during the summer. Confirmed.

Donating blood and platelets frequently is like an oil change for the body

I like the idea of donating my blood more frequently because it's like a car oil change, right? Yeah, like if my body if I'm walking around with old blood then I'm going to act sluggish. It's not going to be as efficient. But if I give a bunch of my blood, the new blood's better.