Takes

I won't apologize for their 3-1 record, but I know in my heart that the Bears stink

I'm not going to apologize for three-in-one but I know in my heart of hearts of the Bears fucking stink. Okay. Are you happy? ... the Bears are just so predictable. Sometimes.

Matthew Stafford will eventually go to a different team and win a playoff game

The my prediction for the Lions. So they're going to fire Matt Patricia. I think Matt Stafford is going to go somewhere else. And win a playoff game when one playoff game.

DK Metcalf is currently a top three wide receiver in the NFL

DK Metcalf where we ranking him top wide receivers because he's awesome. I'd say top top three that's lets you think that's a crazy draft pick for the Seahawks.

Justin Herbert won't be a true franchise quarterback until he cleans up his skin

Justin Herbert is he's got a he's got a clean up his skin. Okay. Yeah. That's all Noxzema franchise quarterback. That's all. Once he does that I'll be like, you know what I like this guy. It's just kind of a franchise quarterback then just clean up the face a little bit.

Washington will be in the playoff hunt all season because the NFC East is so terrible

I still think they're gonna be in the hunt though. They're in the NFC East is so bad that you guys going to be in the hunt. No matter what your record is.

Kliff Kingsbury is a fraud of a coach

Cliff... Definitely fraud. ... He's like the knockoff. Junkyard. Kyle Shanahan. ... Kliff Kingsbury is like to Jordan Belfort. Yeah, he's like comes up some penny stocks.

Josh Allen's haters have been proven wrong and their arguments are done

I actually think Josh Allen haters are kind of there's kind of done. They've admitted that the wrong. Yeah, they're like gospel, you know, they actually haven't they're like little Locus.

The Dallas Cowboys defense is ignorant and lacks passion

The Dallas Cowboys defense is ignorant is ignorant. ... it's the type of players that's out there that's putting his pathetic effort up. ... it's no want is no passion is no desire is no Playmakers.

Josh Allen is a bona fide baller but he is not a top five quarterback in the NFL

Josh Allen is not top 5 but Josh Allen is a bona fide baller. ... the kid is balling. He's leading. He's making plays.

I never gave up on Sam Darnold

I'm happy. I never gave up on that guy. But no, I did like Sam Darnold's toughness where he got body-slammed and I think he broke his shoulder but then went into the locker room was like, this might be my only chance to get a win this year. I have to play.

The Bears will beat the Colts

Colts-Bears, Nick Foles baby... I don't know why the Bears are underdogs, but we're doing this... I think that the Bears are gonna win this game.

The Dolphins will upset the Seahawks in a low-scoring game

I think something funny is going to happen here... I think that the Dolphins could do this, they could win and like a 19 to 14 game.

I am officially out on the Eagles

The Eagles are just, they're so sad. I'm done. I'm done. You're pulling the cord on him? Yeah, right. I can't. I'm thinking that they are the same team that won the Super Bowl and I'm just done, I'm done.

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds until they can win from behind

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds. They are F-R-A-U-D-S frauds. They panic, they look terrible on Monday Night Football. The stat was 18 and 0 with a ten-point lead, 0 and 5 with a ten-point deficit. They can't come from behind. I don't trust that the Ravens offense can work when it gets in a hole or when it plays the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Baltimore Ravens are the Houston Rockets of the NFL

Are the Baltimore Ravens the Houston Rockets of the NFL? Their analytics are Mickey Mouse-ish. By any objective measurement the Baltimore Ravens are awesome... and then in the playoffs the Chiefs are going to beat them by 40. They shit pump all the bad teams, but when the chips are down... they fall short.

The New York Jets head coaching job is the worst job in America

I think it's probably the worst job in America right now, coaching the New York Jets. I'm taking my name out of the hat unless I could just do it but not do it... I'll do it under the condition that I get to coach from the booth and I'm not showing up to work.

Odell Beckham Jr. will be criticized for video game streaming as soon as he misses a route

Odell, he started a video game stream. He isn't in the hot seat yet, but as soon as he does anything, you know, mess up on the field, everyone is going to be like: 'you should have been in your playbook and not playing video games.'

An NFL player has definitely already played a game while COVID-positive this year

I guarantee that there has been an NFL player that has played a game this year with coronavirus and it might be on the Titans. The NFL's plan was let's just keep it all hush-hush until a team has an outbreak... I'm pretty sure that you can test negative the day of a game and then start becoming contagious later that day.

Drew Brees' mind is still there but his arm is completely buried

It's so sad though watching Drew Brees and I'm not going to pick on them because their offense looked a lot better than it against the Raiders, but when he does his mind is clearly still there. So that's why he can still be an average quarterback. He does not have dementia. His mind is completely buried. See the field and everything, but when he does the cock back and he's like, nope don't have it.

Josh Allen is an elite quarterback

Very clearly. I'll say it. Josh Allen is an elite quarterback. Josh Allen is elite. He's elite and it's gonna be awesome watching him play against the Patriots this year because it's Spider-Man meme. It's like two very similar style quarterbacks.

Mitch Trubisky should be converted to a running back in a Wildcat-style role

Mitch led the team in rushing today... why not [be a running back] and he could every now and then throw it he could be taysom hill. Yes. Let us be a running back then I won't feel guilty about watching Mitch be on the sidelines. We could put him in the offense Matt Nagy you can have someone who can blame... have Mitch be a running back and Nick Foles would be the quarterback.

The Patriots are terrifying because they can change their offensive identity every week

The scary thing about the Patriots is that they just change they morph every single week. Now the you know week one they ran week two they passed week 3 they ran again and I don't know when you have Cam Newton and you can just like all right this week. We're just gonna play bully ball. Oh next week. We're going to throw the ball. That's the scary thing.

Joe Judge is a college football coach and his style won't work in the NFL

Joe judge. You should have been a college coach and this is not going to work out like, you know, the type of guys who are just built for college football like close your eyes. Could PJ Fleck be coaching in the NFL probably not. He's great college football coach... This guy should be the coach fucking Western Michigan or you know Miami Ohio like and then he'll get a job at Illinois or you know Purdue and make a nice living, but this might be a little too big for Jojo.

The Cowboys are the best 1-2 team in the NFL and will soon be 5-2

I'm ready to declare by the way the Dallas Cowboys are the best one and two team in the NFL. Yeah, they're actually gonna I'm actually scared because I want to like laugh at them... choose what you say wisely because it could come back to bite you. Mmm. It could come back to bite you they have the Browns in the Giants the card the Browns Giants Cardinals and Washington football team and eagle. They're going to the Cowboys are going to Blind. You're going to Blink in the Cowboys are going to be 5 and 2.

The Eagles need to give Jalen Hurts a shot over Carson Wentz

Honestly, I would start looking to Jalen Hurts. I'm telling you don't think the guys in the locker room are not murmuring happening though. Somehow. I don't think they're not murmuring about. Amen. We may need to just give him a limited role and give him a shot because this is ridiculous.

Adam Gase is not built to be a head coach in New York

The head coach of a franchise in New York. He's not built like that man. Yeah, he's not built like that... I haven't seen anything from him that makes me think that the players [are with] him or that the players are playing for more that he's done anything to win that team over.

The NFL should require the highest-drafted quarterback to start behind Ryan Fitzpatrick for three games

They should make a rule that whoever drafts the highest quarterback has to start Fitzpatrick for at least three games at the start of the season. So like Trevor Lawrence when he goes to the Eagles, [Fitzpatrick] should have to start for them.

Trey Lance will be a first-round NFL draft pick

Trey Lance is going to be a first rounder probably... This mock draft I'm reading right now has Trey Lance late in the first round to the [Saints].

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year

If the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off from the nail up tip of my pinky left hand. It's on.

Russell Wilson's controversial lateral was physically legitimate in the reference frame of the runners

In the reference frame of the quarterback and the running back, it was a legitimate lateral. From the reference frame of the grid, the ball moved forward. But you're penalizing players for running fast. I think as long as Russell Wilson stayed ahead of the other runner while he threw it, the spirit of a lateral is being preserved.

Blake Bortles will take the starting job from Jeff Driskel in Denver

Let me be perfectly clear Blake Bortles is getting the starting job. I don't think that there's any question about that.

The Saints are being held back by Drew Brees

Do you think Saints fans realize it that it's over or do you think they're still holding onto? Oh, The Saints are good enough, which they do have a great roster, but they're being held back by their quarterback. And this isn't just this year. This has been the last like year and a half. It's much more evident right now though.

The Saints should start Jameis Winston right now

Unleash Jameis Winston. I got a Meraki I I disagree with you on the Michael Thomas thing... the time is now it is Jameis a clock in New Orleans.

The San Francisco 49ers are officially a cursed team this season

My hot seat is the San Francisco 49ers. They have injuries now... Jimmy G, George Kittle, Raheem Mostert, Tevin Coleman... their MRI truck broke down... Shanahan got fined... They are in Final Destination the snake bitten Team of the Year. They're not they're not hurt or injured. I think they're cursed.

I am betting on the Jets because Adam Gase said they are in 'hyperdrive'

My hot seats is the Indianapolis Colts because we're playing the Jets this week and Adam Gase said quote 'it's time to put this thing in hyperdrive.' Okay. So watch out Colts and Jets might score 12 points hyperdrive... I'm gonna have to bet on the Jets this weekend.

Kickers are struggling because NFL stadiums are too quiet without fans

No adversity. There's no dynamic. There's no, you know, you need a dynamic environment to excel... You should feel alive and not like you're a mouse in a laboratory.

We will see a 70-yard field goal in the NFL this season

I think we're gonna see a 70 yard field goal. I wouldn't be surprised if is this year... Whoo. Okay, I like that... the way Butker hit that 58 that that had another 10 on it.

Cam Newton is healthy and the Patriots offense looks very promising

Cam Newton looks good. He looks healthy... the Patriots were very promising. Yes, very, very good. I would watch these two teams [Patriots and Seahawks] play every single week.

Matthew Stafford is a future Hall of Famer based on his statistics

I'm the one who's on the hook as calling him as a hall-of-fame future hall-of-fame quarterback just based off his ridiculous stats. Yeah. No, he's absolutely going to be in the Hall of Fame.

Ryan Tannehill is officially a top-10 quarterback

Ryan Tannehill is just like a top-10 quarterback right now... 44 out of 60, 460 yards, six touchdowns, zero interceptions. He finally was like, 'Fuck it, you guys want to keep making fun of me for taking the next step? I'm going to take the next step.'

Daniel Jones is not the second coming of Eli Manning

I think we can officially say that Daniel Jones is not Eli Manning... I think we've seen enough to know that he is not Eli Manning.

The Vikings are officially 'done-chained' and won't win the Super Bowl

The Vikings suck. I would like to say I'm going to done-chain the Vikings again after week two. They are totally done. Vikings are done... If the Vikings win the Super Bowl, I'll get Creed lyrics tattooed on my body.

A safety should be worth five points instead of two

I actually think that a safety should be worth five points. Two points is not enough for a safety. It's hard to do. It's a change of momentum type play. They should—it should be five points and then you also get the ball.

Josh Allen is a legitimate MVP candidate

Josh Allen for MVP. It is people talking about honestly, I'll accept an apology from anyone at this point... he's fucking fun.

Carson Wentz is officially bad at football

Eagles might just be bad and no offense Eagles fans, but Carson Wentz might just be bad... he just misses guys and throws interceptions and kind of just isn't good right now. He stunk today. It's time to push the panic button.

Matt Rhule has 'dumb face'

Does Matt Rhule have dumb face? His glasses are too big. That's the thing. He has glasses of someone who's 60 pounds heavier than he is... I'm starting to think he's got dumb face.

The Bengals have officially found their franchise quarterback in Joe Burrow

the Bengals confirmed have their guy. Which is the greatest feeling in all of football when you can say to yourself, we've got our guy Joe [Burrow]. Jobber looks awesome out here.

The Bears will beat the Giants by 10 points in Week 2

I'll say it for you. I think the Bears win this game by 10 points. I'm very nervous for this game. But I'm nervous for every Bears game.

Aaron Rodgers performs better when he's playing with 'no-name' receivers

Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers the pettiest person in the world... I think he actually performs better with no name guys, because then it's like, oh look what Aaron Rodgers is doing again with these same like undrafted or like late round pick wide receivers. Isn't he? Just the greatest?

The Jets are the 'disgusting' underdog pick of the week against the 49ers

I kind of like the Jets here... Once having the same thought and everyone's betting the 49ers... this is going to be my dog of the week. It's the hold your nose. This is disgusting. You're going to hate yourself at like 1:35 on Sunday when it's 17 to three 49ers, but you're not dead yet.