Takes

If you own $500,000 worth of any singular product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it

I actually have a theory that if you own $500,000 worth of any product, people should be allowed to steal it if they can get their hands on it. ... But any singular product. ... Like Dwight Howard's snakes.

The peak of life is age 24 or 25

I'd say like 24. Yeah, 24 is a good age, but yeah, 25, because you can rent a beach house in a car. The age where you don't have, you have not gotten old enough to realize life is meaningless. But you're not young enough to be dreading what life is going to look like.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Every new iteration of Jesus is better than the last

Every time that Jesus shows up, he's better than his old Jesus. He makes his old Jesus look like a chump. Jesus 2 never hit a dinger. That's a facts only right in everyone's face.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.