Takes

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Raiders win the Super Bowl

The Raiders are officially my pinky team. I don't know if we're gonna clap. We clapping for that? I guess. So if the Raiders win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of my pinky. I was through the half, I was like, the Cardinals are the greatest pinky team.

Dan Campbell might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl

I personally think he might be the first interim head coach to win a Super Bowl.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Practice until there's a compound fracture to let players control practice length

Day two, we practice until there's a compound fracture. You let the players control how long they play. If there's an injury in the first five minutes, guess what? We're done. If it takes us two hours, we'll be out here all day.

Throw away the red no-contact jerseys - all lives matter on my football team

I'd also take the red no-contact shirts that the quarterbacks and the kickers wear. I'd throw them in the trash. We don't discriminate on my football team. All lives matter. If you can't handle your contact, then I can't handle your contract.

Replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog

And then what I do is I replace the training room with a church and a Home Depot catalog. And if you can't fix it with a dose of prayer and duct tape, then I'm not sure I want your China doll ass on my team to begin with.

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Brady's pee is excellence and getting peed on by him means second base with Giselle

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

It's been a tough year for sub spokesmen - Jared and RG3

Looking back on the year, it's been a tough, tough year for sub spokesmen. You've got Jared and RG3.

Defensive ends should jimmy tap quarterbacks to get sacks

If you're coming off the edge, a lot of times you take an angle directly at the quarterback, and that's exactly what the offensive tackle is expecting you to do. So what you could do maybe instead is take an angle just a little bit inside of the quarterback, and while you're running past him, just hit him real quick with a jimmy tap right between the legs. Right in the dick. I don't feel like that technique is emphasized enough in today's coaching environment.

Joe Flacco is not elite - Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Aaron Rodgers has about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck

Quarterback wins are kind of like a woman's eggs. Because most people don't realize it but a woman, she's only born with a finite number of eggs. So with quarterbacks, it's the exact same thing because they've only got a certain amount of wins that are in their system. If they don't space them out, then they start to regress early. I think he's got about 40 wins left in his body before he starts to suck.

Playing on more dangerous surfaces makes football safer

We're making the game less safe by no longer playing it on concrete. And now we're adding like a new bar to the face mask every week. And it's counterintuitive, but if you look at it from a macro point of view, which I am, if you want players to care about their safety a little bit more, then you need to force them to play on more dangerous surfaces.

Nick Saban was right to not sign Drew Brees to the Dolphins

Nick Saban gets a bum rap for bailing out on the Dolphins. He recruited Dante Culpepper. But in reality, Drew Brees' shoulder, it was the sword of Damocles, and it was hanging by a labrum. If Saban had brought Brees to Miami, then the entire franchise would be hamstrung by that big contract, and they wouldn't be able to go out and afford impact players like your Mike Wallace's and your Ndamukong Suh's that they're bringing to town.

Concussions aren't real

Concussions aren't real. Well, I probably had my brain nicked up a couple times, but if you can pee straighter than you can see after having sex, then that just means you're doing it wrong.

Terry Bradshaw was the first NFL player to thank God, making all pre-1972 players blasphemers

My understanding is that the honor belongs to Terry Bradshaw. It was after the Immaculate Reception. And if you look at it from the other way, you can honestly say that every player that played in the NFL before 1972 is probably burning in hell for blasphemy.

The elite Frankenstein quarterback starts with Johnny Unitas' flat top and Peyton Manning's forehead

If I'm building it from the top up, you've got to start with Johnny Unitas' flat top. You've got to go down to Peyton Manning's forehead, which would just be incredible with a flat top on it. I would do Joe Theismann's left leg, the good one. I go with Sammy Baugh's right leg. Ben Roethlisberger's crotch now that he's married. Brett Favre's crotch filling in. Tom Brady's brain for his cheating abilities. John Elway's arm. Joe Flacco's heart. And Joe Montana's intangibles.