Takes

Interim head coaches are the uncles of the sports world

These are interim head coaches and they are the best. They are the uncles of the sports world. They pull into town for a couple weeks when your old man's away on a business trip, and they let you have a beer if you introduce them to your hot teacher. You can learn more from six hours in a Hooters with your uncle than you do in six years with a guy that has to stick around to deal with the consequences.

Hitler was the interim head coach of the fatherland

Back in 1933, the German President Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor, which roughly translates to interim head coach of the fatherland. And he ruled for four years under the title of temporary chancellor until they could find a turnaround expert to bring in.

Jesus was an interim head coach who succeeded like Bill Belichick

Jesus got a start as an interim head coach and it was kind of a Monte Kiffin, Lane Kiffin type situation. God hired his son, let him operate as a coordinator for a while until he proved himself. You got to say it did work out for him in the long term, kind of like a Bill Belichick, Cleveland Browns, Patriots type deal. Ended up in a great position in the long run.

Dan Campbell shot his load too fast as interim coach

The problem with a guy like Dan is sometimes you come and you shoot your load too fast. On his first day on the job, he put his team through Oklahoma drills. But on day one, he also did the practice squad player sacrifice. Now, that puts you in a day two dilemma when your team comes in with their hair on fire.

Rob Ryan has been robbed of an interim head coaching opportunity

The biggest shock in the world to me, looking down the history of interim head coaches, the fact that Rob Ryan has never gotten the title of interim head coach. Despite being the defensive coordinator for such stable franchises as the Raiders, the Browns, and the Cowboys, he has never gotten a shot at being an interim head coach. And that's because he's too much of a wild card to ever be an interim head coach.

How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to not be fit to coach the Browns?

How much of a liability do you have to be to alienate the Raiders? How much of a loose cannon do you have to be to have a group of people decide that you are not fit to coach the Browns?

Rob Ryan would be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself with a slingshot

He might be the first head coach to accidentally shoot himself in the groin with a slingshot when he's challenging a fourth and short.

Fox NFL Sunday theme song should be played at PFT's funeral

I'm on record that I want the Fox NFL Sunday music played on a loop at my funeral. That's how you'll know that I'm done and down for the count.

Johnny Manziel is locker room cancer - he is injured

I just don't like the cut of this guy's jib, folks. He's locker room cancer. Not only is he injuring himself with his bad decisions, but he's injuring the entire rest of the team, infecting them with locker room leukemia. He is injured.

Andy Dalton is elite and we're past the Joe Flacco debate

I can sense that paradigm shift as well. We're not talking so much about Joey anymore. We're talking about Andy. Is he elite? 6-0 sounds pretty good, but I'm a what have you done for me in September, what have you done for me through January kind of guy.

The correct touchdown dance is handing the ball to the ref and acting like you've been there before

Both are incorrect answers. The answer is you hand the ball to the official and you act like you've been there before.

Brady's pee is excellence and getting peed on by him means second base with Giselle

If you look at Brady's piss, on the other hand, Brady's piss consists primarily of excellence. And plus, with the transitive property of genitalia, if Brady pees on my hands, then I've technically gotten to second base with Giselle. So, gotta lean Brady on this one.

More players should pull a John Elway and refuse to play for anyone but their hometown team

I don't know why more players don't come from college and pull a John Elway and pull themselves out of the draft and refuse to play for any other team except the one that is closest geographically to their hometown. That's what I would do. I guess I'm a little bit more old-fashioned than most people.

It's been a tough year for sub spokesmen - Jared and RG3

Looking back on the year, it's been a tough, tough year for sub spokesmen. You've got Jared and RG3.

Too many ducks not enough decoys

Too many ducks, not enough decoys is what I always say.

Belichick is probably already exploiting the groin hit technique before they change the rules

It's almost a technique that you have to imagine Belichick is emphasizing right now before they change the rules, before it gets exploited.

Jeff Fisher's defense is bend but don't break - Chris Long's knee embodies it

That's the Jeff Fisher defense. It's bend but don't break. So you're embodying that terrifically.

Joe Flacco is not elite - Serial investigation

Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? This week's episode: he gets paid like one. Could it be a coincidence that Flacco had bet on himself going into the best season of all time? You have to ask yourself, who stood to gain from Flacco's Super Bowl victory? And the answer is, you guessed it, Joe Flacco. Just weeks after winning the championship, the Ravens rewarded him with a six-year, $120 million contract. You can't make this stuff up, folks. It's as plain as the nose underneath your eyebrow. Not Elite.

James Harrison was right to take away his son's participation trophy

He made some news last month when he rightfully stole his six-year-old son's participation trophy because he didn't feel that his son had earned it. And while Harrison was without a doubt correct in doing this, he didn't have to throw it all over the news to get a pat on the back from the national media just for doing the right thing that he's supposed to do.

The Steelers are a team that conducts business the right way

Overall, the Steelers are their team that conducts business the right way. In fact, I think it was team owner Art Rooney that pulled Harrison aside and really backed him up back in 2008 when Harrison got arrested for domestic assault. Of course, I'm not here to condone domestic assault, but you have to look at the facts and wait for all the facts to come out.

This is a God first league

You have to do that if you're an NFL player. This is a God first league.

Cam Newton hasn't earned the right to get calls from refs

Last weekend he was complaining to the ref, he was whining about beating the New Orleans Saints because Ed Hochuli didn't give him a call. And Ed Hochuli told them, you haven't earned the right to get that call yet. You haven't been in the league long enough to get that call. It's more entitlement.

Jason Witten with two sprained ankles is hurt, not injured

We got Jason Witten. Two sprained ankles. You know the old saying in the NFL, if you've got two sprained ankles, you don't have one. And I'd rather have both my feet hurt than just one because now at least you're symmetrical. Jason Witten, he's hurt, not injured.

Jason Pierre-Paul is injured because the game is literally called football, not handball

He's been sitting out the past couple of weeks with a blown up hand, really milking it. And the name of the game is literally football. How important is your hand? This isn't pinch ball or smoke a cigarette ball. And again, it makes sense that a guy who lost both his thumb and forefinger is out there missing snaps. So I'll give this one to him. I'm not happy about it. JPP is injured.

Hitler would have been a Redskins or Cowboys fan

I think without a doubt, he would have been a Redskins fan. He was so small that, ironically, he probably would have seen eye-to-eye with Dan Snyder. And I could see him going the other way, though, actually. Maybe he might have pulled for the Cowboys, too. The Cowboys got an insane old guy running the team that likes to put stars on the side of their players' uniforms, so that seems like he'd be right up his alley.

There's no correlation between Obama and the Bears being 0-3

I think if you look at the correlation between the Bears and Obama, it's only a coincidence. I don't think that there's anything dastardly going on. A lot of people forget that Mike Ditka was actually running for Illinois State Senate against Obama back in the late 90s.

The elite Frankenstein quarterback starts with Johnny Unitas' flat top and Peyton Manning's forehead

If I'm building it from the top up, you've got to start with Johnny Unitas' flat top. You've got to go down to Peyton Manning's forehead, which would just be incredible with a flat top on it. I would do Joe Theismann's left leg, the good one. I go with Sammy Baugh's right leg. Ben Roethlisberger's crotch now that he's married. Brett Favre's crotch filling in. Tom Brady's brain for his cheating abilities. John Elway's arm. Joe Flacco's heart. And Joe Montana's intangibles.

Danny Woodhead is not deceptively athletic, he's undeceptively athletic

Some people say that you're deceptively athletic, but I just think that you're undeceptively athletic, and it should be plain to anybody watching you.

Danny Woodhead not getting a penalty is like Cal Ripken's streak but shouldn't be celebrated

I respect the fact that you have never been penalized in the NFL. I think it's impressive, but isn't it a little bit silly that people are celebrating you for not breaking the law? Like, it's sad that it's come to the point where you've got literally only one player in the league who plays by the rules. It's like I don't get an award if I complete my probation without breaking back into the pet store.