Takes

Christians are empirically more successful NFL players than any other denomination

Based on empirical evidence, Christians are much more successful NFL players than any other denomination. You've never heard a quarterback thank Satan for winning the Super Bowl. The NFL stands for Never Faithless. And guess what? Jesus is the leading receiver of all time.

Ray Nagin spent New Orleans' electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes

The Superdome lights burned out because the city of New Orleans hadn't paid their bills. Former Mayor Ray Nagin had spent the entire city's electricity budget on drive-through daiquiris and bribes.

Flacco disappeared for 15 minutes during the Super Bowl blackout and no one can account for his whereabouts

When asked what he was doing during the half-hour break, Flacco says he doesn't recall, and that he was probably just hanging out with friends and stuff. But that doesn't really check out when you dig into it, especially when you consider that there was about 15 minutes of game time where Flacco disappeared, no stats at all, and no one can account for his whereabouts.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me -- otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.

Joe Flacco is elite because he literally blew out the Superdome scoreboard

My subsequent investigation determined that the 21-point first-half beatdown that Baltimore hung all over the 49ers was the highest first-half point total in the Dome that year, up until that point. The scoreboard simply couldn't handle all the electricity needed to keep up with Flacco's lightning, quick-release and high-voltage offense. Quite simply, he blew the scoreboard out. That sounds pretty damn elite to me.

John Fox saying you need more than zero points to win is a stats lie

Bears coach John Fox said, 'We need to generate more than zero points to win games.' I fact checked it and went to the archives. Big shout out to the guys at Pro Football Focus. In 1921, the Rochester Jeffersons forfeited to the Washington Senators because the field was unplayable. So Washington literally scored no points and walked away with a huge road win. You've got to be smarter than this if you're a head coach like John Fox.

John Fox's name literally translates to 'Fox Toilet'

John Fox's name, look it up in the dictionary, literally translates to Fox Toilet. And if I were him, I'd be more worried about plumbers than numbers.