PMT DB
PMT DB
Football is back, which means Big Cat is already emotionally preparing to gain 15 pounds, Hank is already emotionally preparing to defend Drake Maye, and PFT is already turning a single Week 1 matchup into a Super Bowl thesis. The season opened with Drake Maye throwing three fourth-quarter interceptions, including a late pick that sent Hank into a full Patriots crisis. PFT brought the numbers, Big Cat brought the judging, and Hank brought the energy of a man whose team had just lost to Drew Lock.
The Rams Tried To Beat Time
The 49ers spent a week and a half in Australia. The Rams flew in, played a football game almost immediately, and then looked exactly as tired as everyone warned they would. Stafford looked off, the Niners looked comfortable, and the show took a well-deserved victory lap for repeatedly saying that time zones are real.
PFT CommenterThe Rams' Australia travel plan was an all-time 'fuck it' move
It was a terrible idea that Sean McVay tried to do, but I have to respect how much of an all-time fuck-it move it was to just pretend that time zones don't exist. He was just like, you know what, fuck it, we're not gonna adapt. We're gonna fly in, fly out.
PFT respected the sheer audacity of Sean McVay’s plan, even while calling it a terrible idea. The phrase “15-hour flight with no Wi-Fi” may have been the real MVP of the segment. Big Cat also proposed sending a coach the Rams were planning to fire anyway and leaving him in Australia, which is the kind of roster management that would make Roger Goodell personally block the PMT number.
Week 1 Picks Get Immediately Unreasonable
The preview moved through every game, but the main event was Big Cat trying to convince everyone that the Bears can have a top-five offense while their defense gives up approximately 400 yards per game. He is prepared to accept a non-playoff season if Caleb Williams, Luther Burden, Rome Odunze, and company turn Chicago into a weekly shootout factory.
Big CatThe Bears could have a top-five offense even if they miss the playoffs
There's a world where the Bears don't make the playoffs, but they're a top-five offense. And our defense is so bad that I can almost—I would be very upset, but I could deal with it.
The Lions received a full Big Cat endorsement, Jared Goff discovered the Detroit Zoo for the first time in over 20 years, and PFT began plotting the Vikings’ quarterback rehabilitation plan for Kyler Murray. The Detroit Zoo has apparently been operating at an elite level without the proper national recognition.
Big CatThe Lions will win the NFC North
I think they're gonna be really good. Are the Lions on Crosby watch? ... I think them and maybe the Cowboys might be on Crosby watch. ... I think they probably will win the NFC North.
Big Cat also called the Jaguars a team nobody is respecting, which is usually how a team gets placed directly into the PMT preseason prediction graveyard or, occasionally, wins the division.
Big CatThe Jaguars could win the AFC South
I think the Jaguars are not getting any respect or talked about a lot. I think they're gonna be really good this year. They could win the South. I think Trevor Lawrence is gonna keep going forward.
The most combustible matchup was Commanders-Eagles. PFT believes Jayden Daniels is healthy, dangerous, and ready to remind everyone that the bad man is back. He then predicted Washington would make the Super Bowl based on a Dan Quinn Week 1 rematch pattern, before quietly adding that the Eagles will probably win 35-10. A hedge? No. A full PFT prediction with an emergency exit.
PFT CommenterJayden Daniels is going to remind everyone that the bad man is back
I think Jayden Daniels, he's as healthy as he has been since the start of last season. ... I think that he's gonna remind a lot of people who he is. Yeah. That's what I think. I think the bad man might be back.
PFT CommenterThe Commanders are going to the Super Bowl
The last time we had a rematch, a Super Bowl rematch in Week 1, Dan Quinn took a team to the Super Bowl as head coach. ... So if that pattern holds, then yeah, look for the Commanders in the Super Bowl this year. Don't ask what happened in the Super Bowl.
The defensive version of the prediction was even more vivid: Washington’s new scheme will send players from every possible direction until Jalen Hurts has to call a timeout for his own safety.
PFT CommenterThe Commanders' defense will blitz from everywhere
You're gonna have guys coming from directions that you didn't think guys could come from. ... Here's my prediction: you're gonna have guys coming from directions that you didn't think guys could come from. ... They're coming from everywhere.
Scott Hanson Sounds Like Football
Scott Hanson arrived with the exact amount of electricity required to make everyone want to cancel their Sunday plans. His game-day routine begins at 4:30 a.m. Pacific, includes a salty protein breakfast designed to retain water, and ends with seven straight hours without using the bathroom. After RedZone, he goes home and watches even more football on five televisions, with a muted Marvel or Star Wars movie providing additional background stimulation.
Scott HansonTwo late-window games is death for RedZone
Four games in the late window is fine. It's fine. Three feels slow. Two is death.
Hanson explained why RedZone’s late window can feel like a famine, revealed the actual air-traffic-control process behind the Witching Hour, and made a compelling case for a College Football RedZone. The concept would involve cutting between Michigan-Ohio State and Akron-Mississippi State, which is either the next great television product or a cry for help from college football fans.
Scott HansonCollege Football RedZone could find an audience
College football now is very intriguing. ... If they wanna start college RedZone and call it College RedZone, they're able to. ... It would, I think it would find an audience.
He also expects the Bengals to turn every Sunday into a track meet, scoring 31 points per game while allowing roughly the same number. Cincinnati football as a permanently tilted pinball machine feels exactly right.
Scott HansonThe Bengals could score 31 points per game
The Cincinnati Bengals are a team that is gonna score 31 points a game. Whether they give up 30 or 32 points a game is the question of their win-loss record.
Fyre Fest Of The Week
Hank’s Fyre Fest involved a field-goal stream, a dead foot, and driving into his apartment garage because his toes stopped responding quickly enough to move from the gas to the brake. The original story was that Hank went 11-for-20. The actual final accounting was much less flattering, somewhere in the neighborhood of 11-for-46, plus one temporarily disabled garage and a possible roof inspection. Hank maintained that he was “kicking with his heart,” which is not a recognized kicking technique but is very much a recognized Hank defense.
PFT, meanwhile, went 84-for-87 and immediately declared himself ready to return to the lab as Mr. 34 or possibly Mr. 35. This is how a kicking stream becomes a medical thriller.
Big Cat’s own football-season Fyre Fest is the office food table. He wants the pizza and snacks moved to a back kitchen so casual trips for coffee don’t turn into ten wings and an ice cream sandwich. Jack responded with “your fat asses can just not eat it,” ensuring that the office food debate will continue until someone installs an electric fence.
Zac closed with a rideshare driver watching pornography on the way home, which has convinced him to become a bike guy. He may now commute on a tiny dirt bike supplied by PFT, possibly without confirming whether a license is required. Week 1 is here, Hank’s foot is recovering, and nobody in the office is allowed near a garage door.
