Bill Burr

The internet should be shut down or strictly monitored

It's really a, it's a low point, you know, point in, I think the internet should be shut down and, or at least monitored. You gotta somehow, like I've been doing this bit about in cells that, you know, a bunch of people who aren't don't know how to talk to women, talk to a bunch of other people don't know how to talk to women. And in the end, they're all blaming women.

NFL ratings and money are the only reason quarterbacks are over-protected by rules

I think their ratings went down when quarterbacks got hurt and people didn't want to watch the games. So they just started protecting them more so than they ever did... I always choose this money. It's always been about the money. If they actually cared about the players, they wouldn't address this issue decades ago.

The Seahawks lost Super Bowl XLIX because they followed analytics over the human element of coaching

Analytics and numbers is also why the Seahawks lost to the Patriots because that play the whole year, the worst it was was an incomplete. And that's some of the high percentage. It was a touchdown except on that play that lost in the Super Bowl and it was an interception... What wasn't in the analytics was Bill Belichick knowing about that play and having everybody practice it.

John Gruden's $100 million contract was fair because his presence makes teams money

Overrated 10 million a year for John Gruden is a fair fucking price... when the Raiders, when he coaches the Raiders, the Raider fans show up, they make money and they become a competitive team. That's a hundred million dollar contract. You over 10 years. That's 10 million a year. That's chicken, shit money.

24-hour news networks should be tried for treason for dividing the country

I am a firm believer that there should no longer be 24-hour news networks because just the sheer panic of having to fill up all that time. I just find that CNN and Fox News, they should be tried for treason. All they do is divide the locker room.

Julian Edelman belongs in the Hall of Fame for his big game performance

Whenever we needed a first down, whenever we needed a big play, somehow that guy got open. I would put that [Atlanta Super Bowl] catch arguably as one of the greatest Super Bowl catches of all time. I look at him like he was on the modern day Steelers of the 70s and he was our Swan or Stallworth and both of those guys are in. I put him in there.

Every airline landing where you don't die is a 'great' landing

If you didn't die and they didn't break the plane, it's a fucking great landing because you also don't know what they're dealing with. They can be coming in at the last second... and you got like 300 people and your own life on the line. I don't know how they do that.

Degenerate gamblers who never bet against their home team are the biggest fans in sports

I think degenerate gamblers who still bet on their home team love the team so much more than when they do those fluff pieces on the local news... The biggest fan is the degenerate gambler. He's down decades to the bookie. Still cannot bet against his home team. Still can't lay off his home team.

The Green Bay Packers are the Yankees of the NFL, not the Patriots or Steelers

I just think it's fascinating as a Patriots fan that we've won six titles in the hundred years of the league... But then the Green Bay Packers won like nine or 11 NFL titles and then won another four Super Bowls. So they're the Celtics, Lakers, whatever you want to say, Yankees, Canadians of the NFL.

The XFL should have forced teams to use two forward passes once a quarter

They had that thing where you could have two forward passes on one play as long as it was behind the offensive line of scrimmage. There should have been a league-wide rule: you have to do that once a quarter to get fans of the NFL being like, 'what the fuck is this?'

People who go to the beach are inherently not smart

I talked about people that go to the beach, that they're just inherently not smart people. And it's good for our population that these are the test people. We set off the atom bomb, let's have them walk towards it. We can afford to lose these people.

I want Tom Brady to take the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl, play Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs, and win his seventh ring

I want to see Tom Brady take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the Super Bowl and play Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. And then he wins seven. He's got one more than Jordan. I think that would be unbelievable.

Young comics should never give up the rights to their podcasts

If there's any young comics out there watching this, don't ever give up the rights to your podcast. You build the whole fucking thing yourself... agencies are not going to be happy that they didn't get to wet their beak on that thing.

The worse a sports franchise is, the more music and zaniness they pump into the stadium experience

The more your franchise stinks, the more music and zaniness on the field in between plays. ... the fucking speaker, the shit they were pumping out [at FedEx Field] was literally playing Twisted Sister. ... It becomes like when you're in a bar and you're hitting on some chick and you're just screaming in her ear.

PNC Park in Pittsburgh is the best new baseball stadium in America

I'd have to say that the best new one that I went to is Pittsburgh. It's just the view of the bridges... It's just a shame their ownership is just running it like the Nestle Corporation.

Hockey is the best sport because it's a 'loner' sport that doesn't get mainstream respect

I enjoy hockey. That's probably my number one. ... I love it because it's also like it's never been the sport in this country. It's rogue. It's sort of outside. There's a loner sort of thing to it. ... It's more like a stand-up comic.

Lambeau Field is the best football stadium

Lambeau. Lambeau and then also old Dallas Cowboys Stadium because I loved Tom Landry Cowboys when they were like [a] disrespectful franchise that did coke and banged hookers.

There is nothing better than having action on a game

There's nothing better than having action on a game. I can't understand people [who don't]. ... I got buddies of mine that if there's a game they don't give a shit about, they put money on it so they will.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

The world banking system is essentially a giant Ponzi scheme

I just sort of read up on sort of the banking system... And that'll scare the shit out of you. What is the banking system conspiracy? Well, I mean, it's kind of a big Ponzi scape... If you just read up like the Federal Reserve, it's not really federal. It's a private [bank].

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is an idiot and a public-facing prop used to distract from more competent tech billionaires

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.

Michael Vick was the greatest player I have ever seen live

Best player I ever saw live was Michael Vick before all the dog stuff... When Michael Vick was allowed to be Michael Vick, there was no better Michael Vick.