Bill Burr

The internet should be shut down or strictly monitored

It's really a, it's a low point, you know, point in, I think the internet should be shut down and, or at least monitored. You gotta somehow, like I've been doing this bit about in cells that, you know, a bunch of people who aren't don't know how to talk to women, talk to a bunch of other people don't know how to talk to women. And in the end, they're all blaming women.

NFL ratings and money are the only reason quarterbacks are over-protected by rules

I think their ratings went down when quarterbacks got hurt and people didn't want to watch the games. So they just started protecting them more so than they ever did... I always choose this money. It's always been about the money. If they actually cared about the players, they wouldn't address this issue decades ago.

John Gruden's $100 million contract was fair because his presence makes teams money

Overrated 10 million a year for John Gruden is a fair fucking price... when the Raiders, when he coaches the Raiders, the Raider fans show up, they make money and they become a competitive team. That's a hundred million dollar contract. You over 10 years. That's 10 million a year. That's chicken, shit money.

24-hour news networks should be tried for treason for dividing the country

I am a firm believer that there should no longer be 24-hour news networks because just the sheer panic of having to fill up all that time. I just find that CNN and Fox News, they should be tried for treason. All they do is divide the locker room.

Julian Edelman belongs in the Hall of Fame for his big game performance

Whenever we needed a first down, whenever we needed a big play, somehow that guy got open. I would put that [Atlanta Super Bowl] catch arguably as one of the greatest Super Bowl catches of all time. I look at him like he was on the modern day Steelers of the 70s and he was our Swan or Stallworth and both of those guys are in. I put him in there.

The Green Bay Packers are the Yankees/Celtics of the NFL, not the Patriots or Steelers

I just think it's fascinating as a Patriots fan that we've won six titles in the hundred years of the league... But then the Green Bay Packers won like nine or 11 NFL titles and then won another four Super Bowls. So they're the Celtics, Lakers, whatever you want to say, Yankees, Canadians of the NFL. But for some reason, the Steelers and the Patriots are holding that crown.

I want Tom Brady to play the Chiefs in the Super Bowl and win his seventh ring

I want to see Tom Brady take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to the Super Bowl and play Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. And then he wins seven. He's got one more than Jordan. I think that would be unbelievable.

Hockey is the best sport because it's a 'loner' sport that doesn't get mainstream respect

I enjoy hockey. That's probably my number one. ... I love it because it's also like it's never been the sport in this country. It's rogue. It's sort of outside. There's a loner sort of thing to it. ... It's more like a stand-up comic.

The NFL is effectively becoming seven-on-seven flag football

Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and lost the Super Bowl... I loved the doomsday defense, the steel curtain... Those guys, they just shut you the fuck down... and it's just all gone. I mean, the fucking guy, Tyreek Hill... runs across the middle of the field... nobody's going to hit him.

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a public-facing prop for more competent tech billionaires like Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Mark Zuckerberg is an unlikable robot with a shitty haircut

I don't know why that guy, [Zuckerberg], he has such an unlikable face. He walks on stage already bombing. It's like the guy before him killed and then the second they just, I don't know if it's the guy's face, his posture, his energy, it's just everybody would hate him. He's a robot. He's got those big pupils that just look like nothing but just black in those eyes. Wrong haircut.

St. Louis Cardinals fans are the most knowledgeable fans in baseball

Best baseball fans, probably knowledgeable and also cool to their team, like forgiving and they weren't assholes, were St. Louis Cardinals fans. They know the game. They know shit like you don't make the first or the third out at third base. They support players that are in a slump. They don't do like that stupid Yankee thing where they boo Derek Jeter.

New York sports outside of the Yankees and Giants is a total shit show

New York sports is basically the Yankees, with the Giants with an honorable mention. If you look at the rest of them, it is a fucking shit show. The Knicks, the Nets, the Rangers, the Mets, the Jets. I mean, it's just everybody. It's like if you combined all those years, how long it's been with all of those teams just not winning championships.