Takes

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Tom Brady uses the concussion excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to avoid having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt. And Brady's like, yeah, I'm dealing with a lot of concussions, babe.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.