Takes

If I get into a fight, I would be charged with murder because my hands are registered weapons

I got legal hands, I can't fight anybody. No seriously, like legally I'd get murder not manslaughter if I get into a fight with someone... because I was registered in a professional boxing match.

Running is not good for you because human hearts have a finite number of beats

Running isn't good for you. No one should ever think running's good for you. As far as I'm concerned, your heart only has a finite amount of beats programmed into it at birth. It's like eggs in a woman. So I don't want to raise my heart rate too high because then it's not going to be around to beat when I'm past the age of 70.

Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because of Zeno's paradox

If you really want to get philosophical ... Nobody can ever truly achieve a first down because in order to get ten yards you first have to go five yards. And then you have to get five yards. You have to go two and a half yards and so you will never actually make it all the way to a down.