Takes

Derek Jeter is going to look 'really fucking ugly' if he gains 15 more pounds

Derek Jeter, by the way, he's one of those guys that if he puts on another 10 or 15 pounds, he's going to be really fucking ugly. Because when you get the bald head and then you get the big cheeks, it's bad. You need hair if you're fat.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.