If Conor McGregor beats Floyd Mayweather, boxing should just jump off a cliff

If McGregor wins, boxing should just jump off a cliff. This is the only time, at least that I can remember, that if one person wins in a matchup, he has the ability to defeat an entire sport. Just close an entire sport down.

The whole world would benefit from Conor McGregor beating Floyd Mayweather

The world needs McGregor to win. That would be the best. The whole world would benefit from McGregor winning.

Mayweather vs. McGregor will likely end in a disappointing decision that leaves everyone regretting the purchase

Because I've watched every Mayweather fight in the last decade, I'm going to say it's probably going to be a decision. We're all going to be disappointed and be like, damn, why did we pay $200 for that?

Michael Jordan is the GOAT

Michael Jordan. The GOAT.

LeBron James is still fighting his inevitable baldness but will eventually have to give in

See, [LeBron] is fighting it. He's really still fighting it. Eventually, he'll come home, but he's putting up the good fight.

I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on Spirit or Allegiant Air

Spirit and Allegiant Air, I would rather get attacked by a dog than fly on any one of those airlines.

I would rather move across the country to keep my current cable provider than move down the street and have to change it

I'd rather pick up all my stuff and move across country if I could keep my cable providers than move down the street if I had to change them.

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

Apple purposefully sells iPhone chargers that break so you have to buy more

My number one [minor inconvenience] is buying iPhone chargers from, like, a gas station, and then when you plug them in, they just don't work... [Steve Jobs] basically has made a charger that cannot be duplicated... They have chargers that you can charge your iPhone once and it's just charged forever. They just won't sell them to us.

We should bring back shoplifting until credit card machines are streamlined

I'm going to bring back shoplifting. Just stealing from gas stations. Until they figure themselves out. I don't want to wait in line to pay for something. Martial law.

Louisville will likely have to take down their 2013 championship banner

The sanctions just came down... Five ACC games. And it looks like they might have to take down the banner for the 2013 championship team. We don't know yet.

Draymond Green will eventually take his trash talk too far and start calling LeBron James' children ugly

I can see Draymond getting way, way, way too mean in the next class... Like Draymond might post pictures of his kids and be like, your kids are ugly. Like Draymond is a guy that takes it way too far too fast.

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.