Takes

Attractive influencers like Addison Rae can actually get better interview answers from athletes than professional journalists

I would actually argue that she [Addison Rae] probably can get more out of some of these guys than if you have like a guy standing in the suit, a frumpy guy standing in a suit who went to Medill... She's not going to be getting into the ins and outs of performance enhancing drugs... [but] you could probably get actually better answers when you have an attractive celebrity TikToker.

I stand in solidarity with Princeton students who oppose Marshawn Lynch speaking at graduation because of his history of disrespecting the media

I stand in solidarity with the Princeton students... Lynch's reticence with the media and its terse responses at press conferences... 2015 Super Bowl media day Lynch famously responded to multiple questions with variants of I'm just here so I won't get fined... thank you for taking a stand on behalf of all the capital Js out there.

Coronavirus is currently a solid 8-seed in the 'Who's Now' bracket

I'll say it to you this way in my who's now bracket. The Corona virus is a solid eight seed.

Zdeno Chara is the sports respecter of journalism of the year for writing down answers with a broken jaw

Zdeno Chara has a broken jaw, he can't speak, and he still met with the press and answered questions by writing down his answers. Class act. ... The respecter of journalism of the year. Sports player who respects journalism the most of the year.

The NFL was within its rights to prevent Bob Costas from bashing the league during a broadcast

Of course the NFL was like, hey, Bob, you can't say that on one of our fucking broadcasts, dude. Roger Goodell does a lot of stuff to silence a lot of people... but this one, it's like, why would you be allowed to bash the league that's paying your salary right now? During a game, you really can't do that.

Bob Costas is the first-ballot Hall of Famer of smelling his own farts

Listen, I like Bob Costas because he's got a big game voice and we grew up with Bob Costas, but he is number one in the Smell Your Own Farts Hall of Fame. He farts in his hand and cups it and puts it right to his nose.

Kevin Durant creates the mercurial media narrative he hates by getting mad at reasonable questions

Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. Don't get so upset because then it creates a whole – Kevin Durant is like this mercurial guy who's always mad at the media. And then you get mad at that narrative, which you created. So it's just a constant dog chasing its tail.

Max Kellerman could beat Derek Carr in a fight

I might take Max Kellerman in a fight against Derek Carr. I would. He talks about boxing a lot. If you talk about fighting a lot, I assume that you can at least handle yourself a little bit just by osmosis.

The 2018 Pittsburgh Steelers are a 'fucking mess'

The Steelers are a fucking mess. Le'Veon Bell. Antonio Brown. The fact that this is all happening within the first week or two, and they tied the Browns, and Big Ben is already injured, this team is a fucking mess.

Tua Tagovailoa will be the best pro quarterback Nick Saban ever produces

Tua is insanely fun to watch, like probably the best pro quarterback that Nick Saban will ever have.

The NBA was 'asking' to be prank called because their security is so bad

Not to victim shame, but the NFL knows how to stop us. The NBA, they were kind of asking for it... There were some elements of provocation that the NBA gave to us.

I expect the Celtics to eventually get fired by their employer

Brad Stevens... completely honest and genuine being like, you know, when you get in this profession, you know that you're someday going to get fired. All right. So actually, Brad, we were just talking about the fact that it's your job to coach. So you're coaching for your job.

Journalists should be allowed to punch each other because of 'freedom of the press'

There's a little thing out there called freedom of the press, which means that journalists are allowed to do whatever they want... and say whatever they want, and you can't do anything about it. So they arrested this guy for just being a reporter.

The mainstream media is now just 'pranking' with fake reports because of us

Do you think we've ruined the media? ... Because these guys keep making mistakes left and right... They have to run with whatever they've got and then hopefully say it's just a prank. But guess what? You don't have the prank defense in your arsenal.

Derek Jeter is going to look 'really fucking ugly' if he gains 15 more pounds

Derek Jeter, by the way, he's one of those guys that if he puts on another 10 or 15 pounds, he's going to be really fucking ugly. Because when you get the bald head and then you get the big cheeks, it's bad. You need hair if you're fat.

Kirk Cousins respects the media biz to get them on his side against Dan Snyder

All-time biz respecter move by Kirk here. He's basically got flashcards for the reporters... He is doing it, I would expect, to get the media on his side. So he's like, all right, if I get the media on my side, then I'll basically be able to strong arm Dan Snyder.

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

Every season is ass-eating season

It never goes out of season. Well, maybe like the dog days or something. August is not for asses. Asses are like Europe. They just take August off.

Peyton Manning hosting the ESPYs will not be good

I feel like this is going to suck, but... what do I know? Unless they just have him on stage drilling those Boys and Girls Club in the face with the footballs. He should just do that for like two hours.

NBA players who are bad at free throws should simply run away from defenders trying to foul them

If you're Roberson and you're going to get fouled, why don't you just run away? Why don't you just run all over the court dodging the person? And just run out the clock for as long as it takes.

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit because he looks unathletic and has man breasts

Tony Romo's legacy is taking a hit from this because, one, he looks super unathletic. Two, part of that is I now see that he has man breasts.

Tony Romo is a coward if he doesn't check into the Mavericks game

I'd just like to say that if Tony Romo doesn't play, if he doesn't choose coach out to get in that game, he's a coward. Doesn't love the game.

Northwestern basketball is annoying because journalists act like it's a plucky underdog story

Except for the fact that now we're going to get Greeny, Mike Wilbon, Rovell, all these fuckers shoving Northwestern plucky underdog down our throats. So I'm saying respect the fucking biz... We don't care about Northwestern basketball enough for you to tell us constantly.

Super Bowl security will be significantly upgraded next year after how easily we snuck in

My prediction is that next year there's going to be a major upgrade in security. Because we were able to get around way too, way too easily. ... We had the Captain Crunch barcode.

The Packers are essentially ISIS for Jordy Nelson wearing a Kevlar vest

This is a respect to biz for Jordy Nelson to start respecting the military more. It's stolen valor for him to be wearing body armor without actually getting shot at during the game. ... Basically the Packers are ISIS.

It is an ethics violation for NBA media to vote on the All-Star Game

If you're going to have journalists that cover the NBA determining what's going on in the NBA and who's good or not... That's just a major ethics violation. Conflict of interest. Stay in your lane.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

The 2016 creepy clown sightings are a viral marketing stunt for the movie 'It'

What's behind all of this is that Stephen King's movie It is coming out in a couple months. They're doing a remake of it. That's it then.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

NFL Media should prioritize getting the All-22 film and Game Rewind up on time for 'film grinders'

Can we please get the All-22 and the Game Rewind up on time? There are a lot of people out there that like to sit and grind film on a Monday morning or a Monday afternoon.

CM Punk's MMA debut looked like a big brother beating up a little brother

He got beat so badly... He got tackled and then was just kind of flailing on the ground while the guy just punched him in the face. It was all of like a big brother jumping on a little brother and then hitting the little brother with his own fists. That's what it looked like.

Skip Bayless was essentially on welfare because his fandom paid Troy Aikman's salary

Back when you were a quarterback in the NFL, Skip Bayless was a fan and he paid your salary. So without him, you probably would be poor right now because you were basically on welfare and he was giving you money.

Jay Mariotti is the senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take

Jay, you will be our senior Iceland correspondent. Done... Jay Mariotti has been named senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take.

The internet needs to consolidate the excessive number of golf news websites

Just consolidate all these golf sites. We don't need 17 golf sites writing the same golf stories. ... consolidate all these golf sites.