PMT DB
PMT DB
Mike Portnoy on Goldfish Fraud, Ponzi Schemes, and The Beach Boys
The Chicago Bears are officially dead. Big Cat spent the opening of the show mourning a team that makes football fundamentally unenjoyable to watch, though PFT found a silver lining in the rise of Carson Wentz. After Wentz sliced up the Bears on Monday Night Football, PFT is already looking ahead to what the future holds for the Eagles' new franchise cornerstone, and it involves a specific physical trajectory.
PFT CommenterCarson Wentz will look like a deflated Ben Roethlisberger in two years
Carson Wentz strikes me as the kind of guy that's going to get fat later, though... Two years from now, Carson Wentz is going to look like a slightly deflated and less aggressive Ben Roethlisberger.
Midweek means the coaches are talking, and the guys broke down the most 'football guy' moments from the podium. Jim Harbaugh is out here stumping for whole milk, while Urban Meyer thinks switching to 1% is a medical breakthrough.
PFT CommenterSwitching to 1% milk after a heart attack is the ultimate football guy move
Switching to 1% milk after a heart attack... That is the most football guy move of all time because there are like a million other things. I agree with Urban Meyer. Don't spend more time with your family. Don't maybe knock out fast food, but take it down from 2% to 1%.
Meanwhile, Bill Belichick continues to treat the media with his signature literalism. While some call it trolling, Big Cat argues that Belichick is actually the most honest man in the room by refusing to play doctor.
Big CatBill Belichick isn't being abrasive; he's just taking media questions at face value
A lot of people think that Bill Belichick is trolling the media and being abrasive on purpose. He's just answering these questions. He is taking everything at face value. You ask him a question about medical stuff. He is not a doctor. He is a football coach. That is his job. The doctors are doctors. He is the football coach.
Hot Seat/Cool Throne and Uniform Power Rankings
In a packed Hot Seat/Cool Throne, PFT took aim at Andy Reid, who seems to exist in a permanent state of 1-1 mediocrity that protects him from ever being truly fired or truly successful.
PFT CommenterAndy Reid is a mediocre coach who will never win a Super Bowl
Andy Reid is just kind of there all the time... He's not threatening. He's not going to win a Super Bowl, but he's going to make your team okay.
They also discussed the ripple effect of Jack Del Rio’s aggressive play-calling. According to PFT, every coach in the league is now chasing the high of having the media talk about their 'nuts' on Monday morning.
PFT CommenterSeeing Jack Del Rio go for two will lead to a wave of unnecessary two-point conversions across the NFL
The NFL is a copycat league. A lot of people don't talk about that. But seeing Jack Del Rio go for it and seeing all the media coverage that he had... All the other football coaches out there are going to be like, I want that. I want the media to be talking about my nuts on Monday morning. And so you're going to see a lot of unnecessary two point conversions.
During a quick power ranking of uniforms, Big Cat took a moment to show some hometown bias while dropping a grizzly fact about the iconic Chicago Bulls logo.
Big CatThe Chicago Bulls have the only logo in the NBA that has never changed
The Bulls logo. Here's a fun fact for you, Hank. The only logo in the NBA that's never changed. And it's got blood on it, too. People forget. It's got blood on the horns.
Mike Portnoy: The People's Lawyer
Mr. Portnoy, Dave’s dad, joined the show despite being in a state of health where he can neither walk nor sleep. The legal discussion quickly turned to Larry the Goldfish and the potential legal fallout of promising shares of a gambling fish to thousands of listeners. Big Cat and PFT floated the idea of pleading 'hilarity' or 'it’s just a prank' to the DA, but Mr. Portnoy wasn't buying the comic law defense. He also shared a bleak vision of what his son’s future looks like.
Mr. PortnoyBy age 70, Dave Portnoy will weigh 90 pounds and still be taking Adderall
God knows [Dave Portnoy] probably will weigh 90 pounds and be bent over. Still taking the Adderall. I agree.
In the debut of a brand new segment, 'Portnoy's Complaint,' Mr. Portnoy aired his grievances with modern society. Topping the list was his iPhone 5, which apparently has a mind of its own and refuses to stop playing the Beach Boys at inappropriate times. Big Cat suggested this might be a coordinated effort by Big Tech.
Mr. PortnoyApple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade
Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.
He also ranted about the lack of basic skills in the younger generation, specifically the inability to drive a stick shift, which he views as a fundamental life requirement on par with swimming.
Mr. PortnoyTeaching children to drive a stick shift should be a prerequisite of parenting
Teaching your children to swim and teaching them to drive stick should probably be just prerequisites across the board. I tried to teach my son years and years ago when he was still looking out for getting girls... and he wasn't interested.
The elder Portnoy also had some choice words for people who ruin the efficiency of the express lane at the supermarket with their modern payment methods.
Mr. PortnoyIt should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line
If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?
Segments and SoulCycle
Before heading out, PFT handed out a 'Just Chill Out Man' to Theo Epstein after some truly bizarre revelations in a recent profile about the Cubs executive's penchant for following strangers home while wearing a disguise.
PFT CommenterTheo Epstein needs to chill out for following people home to observe them while wearing a hat
Theo Epstein... said on a few nights when things felt bleak, Theo would wander the internet, linger on macabre things like air traffic controller recordings from plane crashes. He went on to say... 'I just like being anonymous so much that I would follow people home because they didn't know who I was and I could watch them... I could put on a hat and follow them.' Just chill out, man.
Big Cat closed the show by eating chips directly into the microphone to replenish the calories he lost during a traumatic trip to SoulCycle. While the workout was intense, it was the post-ride spirituality that really rubbed him the wrong way.
Big CatSoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers
SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.
Don't forget to buy your Larry the Goldfish shirts before the deadline, even if our lawyer says we might be running a Ponzi scheme.
