Takes

Clemson could beat the Jets if the Jets had mono

Do you think that Clemson could beat the Jets if they all had mono? Yeah, I agree. [If] Trevor Lawrence has mono and just straight up against Alabama... If Clemson like kills both all the quarterbacks that are listed for the game then they have a chance.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

The Vikings will finish 25th in the NFL and stink

Vikings at 14. Vikings are going to finish 25th. Kirk Cousins is on a perfectly average... I think they might finish even lower because the slaughter curse.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

Kevin Garnett is a fake tough guy

Kevin Garnett always struck me as a semi-fake tough guy. His routine was head-butting himself to get pumped up. That's a fake tough guy move. Like punching walls and stuff, that's a fake tough guy move.

Bill Laimbeer would absolutely beat up Kevin Garnett

You think Bill Laimbeer would beat up Kevin Garnett? Yes, absolutely. ... Kevin Garnett, though, isn't really human. So I don't know if he counts in this because he's an alien that was put on Earth to fire people up.

The Cowboys do not have an intimidating fan base.

I've been to a few Cowboys games. That's not a very intimidating fan base.

Wearing a Colin Kaepernick jersey is an invitation for confrontation.

If you wear a Kaepernick jersey, you're asking for confrontation. So it could ignite conversation.

A J.J. Watt jersey is the least intimidating jersey an NFL fan can wear.

The least intimidating jersey has to be a J.J. Watt jersey.

Chocolate milk is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

Number one, non-alcoholic drinks, chocolate milk. Shout out to the nut boys.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Cherry Coke is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

I know where I'm starting. Cherry Coke. Oh, yeah. That's good. Can't believe that one wasn't taken.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

Pizza is not a good lunch food because it makes you fall asleep

See, pizza's not good for lunch. I'm just going to throw that out there. When you're eating lunch, my main goal is to just not eat so much that I want to fall asleep. And pizza will always do that to me.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

Car bombs are the number one drink to order at a bar

Number one, car bombs.

Drinking a Budweiser (Bud Heavy) bottle at a bar is a badass move

Budweiser. Bottle. It's actually America. That's just a badass move. If you see a guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, okay, this guy fucks.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

The Chicago Bulls have the only logo in the NBA that has never changed

The Bulls logo. Here's a fun fact for you, Hank. The only logo in the NBA that's never changed. And it's got blood on it, too. People forget. It's got blood on the horns.

Real Big Fish's 'Sell Out' is the ultimate summer song

Number one. This is a song that we were singing the other day... Real Big Fish 'Sell Out' play. Love it... Anytime you have a track that's just a guy going [ska sounds], you're going to have a hit. That's a summer song.

Carl Malone's 'The Mailman' is one of the worst nicknames because it's redundant

I used to think it was mailman, like man, male, like guy, dude, the mailman, like finally a male for men... I just think it's a little bit redundant. That's all. Plus, like he delivers. Yeah, I get it. That's lame.

Mark Sanchez's 'Sanchise' nickname was a bad one that didn't age well

Steve Francis and Mark Sanchez, Stevie Franchise, Mark Sanchez... Both guys turns out do not make your franchise. Those are unfortunate nicknames when you actually look at how they play. The Sanchise nickname felt like a nickname that Rex Ryan came up with to convince himself.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.