Takes

Clemson could beat the Jets if the Jets had mono

Do you think that Clemson could beat the Jets if they all had mono? Yeah, I agree. [If] Trevor Lawrence has mono and just straight up against Alabama... If Clemson like kills both all the quarterbacks that are listed for the game then they have a chance.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

The Vikings will finish 25th in the NFL and stink

Vikings at 14. Vikings are going to finish 25th. Kirk Cousins is on a perfectly average... I think they might finish even lower because the slaughter curse.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

Pizza is not a good lunch food because it makes you fall asleep

See, pizza's not good for lunch. I'm just going to throw that out there. When you're eating lunch, my main goal is to just not eat so much that I want to fall asleep. And pizza will always do that to me.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

IPAs create man boobs

Fun fact, IPAs create man boobs, and that's why I'm going to get breast cancer someday.

The Chicago Bulls have the only logo in the NBA that has never changed

The Bulls logo. Here's a fun fact for you, Hank. The only logo in the NBA that's never changed. And it's got blood on it, too. People forget. It's got blood on the horns.

Carl Malone's 'The Mailman' is one of the worst nicknames because it's redundant

I used to think it was mailman, like man, male, like guy, dude, the mailman, like finally a male for men... I just think it's a little bit redundant. That's all. Plus, like he delivers. Yeah, I get it. That's lame.

Mark Sanchez's 'Sanchise' nickname was a bad one that didn't age well

Steve Francis and Mark Sanchez, Stevie Franchise, Mark Sanchez... Both guys turns out do not make your franchise. Those are unfortunate nicknames when you actually look at how they play. The Sanchise nickname felt like a nickname that Rex Ryan came up with to convince himself.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.