PMT DB
PMT DB
Charissa Thompson on Seahawks, Showering, and Larry David
The end of an era is upon us as Big Cat and PFT Commenter power through their final Skype-only episode before moving into the new office. While the audio might have been cutting out, the takes were coming in crystal clear, starting with the mess down in San Diego. Joey Bosa is still holding out, and the guys have some theories on why he needs that signing bonus money upfront. Big Cat, ever the expert on the degenerate mind, thinks he's spotted a fellow traveler.
Big CatJoey Bosa likely has a gambling problem because he is demanding his signing bonus money immediately
Just knee jerk here. Gambler to gambler. Sounds like Joey Bosa has a gambling problem. Like I need that money now, man. I need it right now. Like that's he thinks that he's being, you know, sly here. But as a gambler, I can see what he's doing. He's clearly got some big debts he needs to pay.
PFT offered some free PR advice to help the rookie defensive end win back the hearts of the fans, which mostly involves facial hair maintenance and some light blackmail against ownership.
PFT CommenterJoey Bosa needs to shave his goatee to win over public support during his contract holdout
Number one is, dude, you got to shave the goatee. No one's going to be lining up behind you to support you if you're wearing the goatee. Right now, Joey Bosa, he looks like the evil dimension version of Joey Bosa. You're not doing yourself any favors with the facial hair.
PFT CommenterJoey Bosa should condition his contract signing on the Chargers agreeing not to move to Los Angeles
I've got some really good PR advice for Joey, though. Here's how you get the public back on your side. It's very easy. You release a statement saying, 'I will accept the Chargers' offer under the condition that they agree to not move the team to L.A. next year.' Instantly, all of San Diego loves you, and there's nothing that the team can do about it.
Football Guys and Feminists
Charlie Weis is finally off the Notre Dame payroll, and the breakdown of his lifestyle—including a sun conure parrot that dive-bombs guests—paints a picture of a man who has truly beaten the system. PFT pointed out that Weis might be the most successful strategist in the history of the sport for his ability to get paid not to coach.
PFT CommenterCharlie Weis hacked life by getting paid $24 million specifically to not work
But if you really look at the facts, what Charlie's done with his career is what we should all strive for. And that's he's getting paid $24 million to not work. And in what world – he's basically hacked life, OK? ... He has figured out how to design an offense that's so bad that people will pay you not to implement it.
Then there's the Ryan brothers. Rex has reportedly gained thirty pounds since his brother Rob joined the Bills staff. While some might call it a lack of discipline, Big Cat sees it as a bold statement of solidarity with women everywhere.
Big CatThe Ryan brothers are the 'original feminists' because Rob Ryan carries weight like a pregnant woman
Is Rob Ryan the original feminist? I mean, he's pregnant, basically. He has to walk around with that weight, right? He's got that belly. I think he's in a hat tip to all the women out there who have gone through childbirth and the beautiful child thing that is childbirth. Rob stands with you.
Mount Rushmore of Finger Foods
This was one of the more contentious Mount Rushmore segments in recent memory due to some extremely loose definitions of what constitutes a "finger food." Big Cat stayed true to the wedding appetizer vibe, while PFT and Hank tried to sneak in entire entrees. Big Cat is ready to lead the charge on a culinary rebranding for a classic appetizer.
Big CatPigs in a blanket are the best finger food and appetizer available
I also think that pigs in a blanket get a bad rap. I think people try to be really classy at their weddings these days and they don't do pigs in a blanket. We need to like rebrand pigs in a blanket to bring them back because they're the best finger food and appetizer out there.
PFT went the controversial route, arguing against the quality of actual crab meat in favor of the stuff that keeps it all together.
PFT CommenterCrab cakes are better with 75% filler rather than lump meat
I like the filler. ... Exactly. I want 75% filler in my crab cakes. ... Have you ever tried to eat like a 95% crab meat crab cake? Oh, it's disgusting. It's like eating a can of tuna fish.
Hank nearly derailed the entire segment by suggesting that mussels—which usually require a tiny fork or at least a discarded shell to scoop—belong in the same category as a tater tot.
HankMussels are officially a finger food
Mussels. Does that count? Finger food. ... I love mussels. ... And I eat them with my finger. ... I always eat mussels just with my fingers.
Charissa Thompson
Charissa Thompson joined the show and immediately proved she can go toe-to-toe with the guys, calling out their lack of research and Big Cat's resemblance to a post-car-accident Matt Leinart. As a Seattle native, she is all-in on the Seahawks this year, regardless of who is in the backfield.
Charissa ThompsonThe Seahawks offense will not suffer any drop-off without Marshawn Lynch
I put my money on Russell Wilson, and I don't think that there's any lapse in terms of their offense by having Marshawn Lynch out of it.
Things took a turn into the psychological when Charissa explained her morning routine. She purposefully sets her alarm an hour before she actually has to get up, just so she can experience the joy of realizing she doesn't have to get up yet.
Charissa ThompsonSetting an alarm clock one hour early creates a positive start to the day
When the alarm goes off in the morning... my first thought of the day is positive because I go, yes, I get to sleep another hour. Positive thought. ... I'm positive in the morning. I am now in the midst of waking up in disarray. You're like, oh man, I gotta get up. And I'm like, wait a minute. No, I don't. Not for another hour.
The interview peaked when Charissa decided to look through her contacts and give a quick call to none other than Larry David. Larry actually picked up and gave a brief update on his "vegetative state" before hanging up to go to dinner. It turns out Larry is also the driving force behind Ryan Fitzpatrick's recent grooming choices.
Respect the Biz and Jimbos
Talking Soccer returned to address the Hope Solo suspension, though PFT was more concerned with the lack of consistency in how the league handles actual criminals versus talkative goalkeepers.
PFT CommenterThe NFL should be criticized for not suspending Aaron Hernandez while suspending Hope Solo for six months
Don't let this distract you from the fact that the NFL has yet to suspend Aaron Hernandez. ... Aaron Hernandez gets nothing and Hope Solo suspended for six months for talking.
To close it out, the Jimbos of the week featured a man who accidentally bleached his own butthole with Clorox wipes on his first day of work and a homeowner who lost his $300,000 houseboat because an Airbnb guest threw a party that literally sank the vessel. Big Cat isn't worried about the financial loss, though, because he’s playing the long game on climate change.
Big CatHouseboats are the safest long-term investment due to rising sea levels
Polar ice caps. The whole world's going to be the ocean eventually. I'd say houseboats actually are probably the safest investment out there. ... I'm talking like three, 400 years here. You might want to be the guy with the houseboat.
Monday brings the big move to the office and a massive announcement regarding a fourth member of the PMT crew for the football season.
