Takes

Cristiano Ronaldo is not a top three Ronaldo

It's time that we have an honest conversation about Ronaldo. I don't even think he's a top three Ronaldo. You've got Ronaldo, you've got Ronaldinho, who is named Ronaldo... Fat Ronaldo. He's number six overall Ronaldo.

Federico Chiesa is going to be one of the best players in the entire world

Chiesa is going to be one of the best players in the entire world. I'm just putting an eyeball stamp on it. I said that last week. Then he had that awesome goal. Chiesa, Chiesa, Chiesa.

Football is 'coming home' for England in the Euros

All I'm saying about the Euros, it's coming home. Yeah, it's coming home. Something just very special about pasty white English fans ripping off their shirts... Football's coming home. And then they're going to lose in tragic fashion.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.

Lionel Messi will eventually play in Major League Soccer

Why doesn't Messi go to MLS? ... He's like 33. Oh, you're right about that time. He would fucking wreck the MLS. They should just give Messi an MLS team. ... I hope he does eventually come to the MLS. I'm sure that he will in like seven years once he's totally washed up.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

Christian Pulisic stunk in his Chelsea debut and might not be ready for the bright lights

I watched the whole game. He stunk. Is he not ready for the bright lights?... I'm just going to say, as someone who was ready to declare this the biggest moment in USA soccer history, yeesh, maybe we have to start getting the narrative that he's not from America.

Rose Lavelle will be the next USWNT superstar for the next eight years

Here's my hot take about Rose [Lavelle]. She's going to be the next superstar for the women's national team for the next, like, eight years... I'm saying that she's the next Alex Morgan, Megan Rapinoe.

The USWNT vs France matchup is essentially the World Cup Final

But this is, I'm going to call it, this is the World Cup on Friday [France versus U.S.]. Whoever wins this match [wins it all].

The Raptors should trade Drake to break the Drake Curse

The Raptors should trade Drake. He's a big mad. I think he's upset.

Lionel Messi is dead

Messi's dead. Messi is dead. Dunzo. Listen, it's a team sport. Go back to Argentina, Messi. Okay? It's a team sport. Argentina stinks. Messi's great. Yeah.

The US Men's National Team would have had a strong showing in the World Cup if they had qualified

I believe that we would have had a strong showing in the World Cup had we qualified for it and not lost to Trinidad and Tobago, based on the results of this friendly [against France].

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the future of American soccer at age 34

Zlatan is going to save soccer in America. He is. He's the future of American soccer. He's 34. And he's the future.

LeBron James should play for the US Men's Soccer team

LeBron actually should play for us. If you were to take the best NFL athletes... could the Chiefs qualify for the World Cup under the instruction of Andy Reid?

US Soccer needs to fire Bruce Arena and clean house after failing to qualify for the World Cup

I'm going to say Bruce Arena. That guy's been around forever. Get the fuck out of here, man. ... GM, clean house.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

The Sounders and Timbers only play each other in MLS

I feel like the Sounders and Timbers only play each other. I'm convinced that MLS was like, hey, you guys in the Pacific Northwest, you tend to enjoy your scarves and your soccer. Just play each other all the time. We'll pretend like it's an MLS game, but it's not real.

Celebrating a tie in soccer is un-American and makes me want to puke

The amount of celebration over a tie makes me want to puke... Very un-American. We play to win the game. That's why we've won every war we've ever been in. That's America.

Christian Pulisic will make soccer the biggest sport in America

This guy, he is going to make soccer the biggest sport in America. This is the guy. It actually already happened with Freddy Adu, and then John Harkes, and then DeMarcus Beasley, but it's happening again before our eyes.

Morton Andersen is the best soccer player of all time

Morton Andersen, best soccer player of all time. [Because Ronaldo's goals are only worth one point].

Cristiano Ronaldo's goals are easy and anyone could do them

I could fucking do that. Left footed. He's a finisher. Who isn't? We all finish.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

Injuring Lionel Messi would increase the popularity of soccer in the United States

I think maybe if you injure Messi, that would be pretty huge for soccer in the United States. Everybody loves a bully. Maybe severely injure Messi and make him not able to play soccer ever again. I think you would get a lot of new fans from the United States. Because if there's anything that fans in the United States hate, it's like a little European-ish guy.

Soccer will officially catch on in the US during the summer of 2016

I'll tell you what, man. This is the summer it catches on. You watch. Some people have called it the summer of soccer. I think so. If they could get a big tie against like a Brazil or something, that's the launching point for soccer being the biggest sport in America.

The 2015-16 Leicester City team is taking steroids

I think that Leicester City is all taking steroids. There were a 5,001 long shot before the league year started. And now they're probably going to win the English premiership. And the only way that's possible... they're taking steroids, all of them.

Leicester City converted a penalty in the 93rd minute to salvage their Cinderella story

The Cinderella story, Leicester, they were losing today, and they were playing with 10 men, and then they got a penalty called in the 93rd minute, and they converted to salvage a point.