Mike Portnoy and Philadelphia Eagle Chris Long

South Carolina is a guaranteed winner in the Final Four

Bet it on South Carolina. That's a guaranteed winner. Let's go.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

Playing the Final Four in football stadiums ruins the players' shooting

My favorite thing that the Final Four to the NCAA basketball does is they play the entire season in arenas, and then they're like, hey, let's play in a football stadium and screw up everyone's shot.

Oregon is a bad matchup for North Carolina due to a lack of size

I do think North Carolina is going to win. I think they're the better team. And they're a bad matchup for Oregon... [Oregon] has athleticism. They do not have—they have a little length. A lot of athleticism. No size.

North Carolina will win their Final Four game by 20 and the championship by 10

I think [North Carolina] are going to win this game by 20. And then I don't care who they play in the finals. They're going to win by at least 10.

A man cave should function as a legal safe haven where murder doesn't count

I think being in a man cave is basically like a lawyer's office for dudes... Murder doesn't count in a man cave. I don't know what they were doing. They were hanging up St. Pauli girl neon beer signs... whatever, just guys being guys in the man cave.

The Washington Wizards abandoned the Bullets trademark so it's now open for public use

Am I allowed to sell Washington Bullets merchandise since they were snowflakes and they abandoned the trademark back in the year 2000?... I i i would say uh give it a shot there's another pun okay

Big companies use 'company policy' as a fake government-level authority to deny rights

But these big companies, they tell you, you know, I wanted to return something. And they say, you can't. And I said, who says? They said, that's our company policy... they make it sound like the government has set this up and this is the way it's going to be forever and a day and you have no right to even challenge that policy. I can't stand that.

Sheetz is definitively better than Wawa

I do think Sheetz is better than Wawa. That's the Homer in me.

Every single movie in the Rocky franchise is good, including Rocky V

I'm actually one of the few that likes every single movie out of the whole franchise... [I like Rocky V] I do.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

The Golden State Warriors are a worse team with Kevin Durant

I said that they were going to be worse with [Kevin Durant]. I said that. I was the only one. You called me an idiot. Guess what? The black hole is leaving Oakland, but he's the new black hole. You pass the ball to him, it disappears... I think he's the second best player in the NBA, but I think that they're a worse team with him.

John Madden is actually dead and the NFL is just faking his endorsements

I think that John Madden's actually dead. I think that the NFL is just attributing quotes to John Madden when they make changes to the game of football so that everybody would be like, oh, well, John Madden's a football guy. He approves of this change.