Takes

I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump

I do think that I Show Speed is globally more famous than Donald Trump... between the ages of five and like 37 is four makes up 48% of the globe. And I think a overwhelming majority of them definitely know who Speed is... I think Speed might [have] 4.1 [billion people] dude. I'll give 4.1 just for sake of argument.

If Tiger Woods were named Panther Irons, he would have been outed as a sex deviant much earlier and his career would be totally different

Do you think Tiger Woods' career would be the same if he was named Panther Irons? If Panther Irons gets outed as a sex deviant very early in his career, is there a chance Panther Irons just is like, now that everyone knows, I'm just gonna lean into just being a guy who sucks and fucks all the time... then his back doesn't get hurt.

Every hobby a man has is designed primarily to attract women

It's from Ed Latimore, former professional boxer... All of your hobbies and ambitions are to attract women. Nature doesn't care how much personal fulfillment you get from them. Those things are cool, but they're coincidental positive externality to the Prime objective to keep the species going. Every hobby that you have is designed to attract women.

Gambling is the least attractive hobby a man can have

I mean, my only hobby is gambling... I think gambling has to be the least attractive thing to a woman if you're good at it. Not if you're good... gambling, golfing, flight simulators, helicopter parenting turtles, combos, Call of Duty, going for walks. Max clogging toilets.

DK Metcalf's last-place track finish was both impressive and embarrassing

DK Metcalf was impressive, and then at the same time he got embarrassed. It's weird because he was way better than I thought he would be, but he also was not even close to as fast as the fastest guys. Dead last in the race.

World Chase Tag is a superior concept to Parkour and should be an Olympic sport

I want a sport where if you tag a guy, there you go. Where there's a winner and there's a loser... It's basically parkour, but with an element of tag. That's an Olympic sport... This sport, this tag sport, is ten times the sport of handball.

World Chase Tag is ten times better than Olympic handball.

This sport, this tag sport [World Chase Tag], is ten times the sport of handball. Ten times.

Mike Tyson would easily beat LeBron James in a boxing match

If it's in his prime, that's the dumbest argument of all time. Mike Tyson would fucking crush LeBron James. I don't care how tall LeBron is. Hand speed, everything. LeBron can't get hit. He would flop out of the ring.

I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make a team

I'm definitely not an NFL caliber guy. I know that... I am not an NFL caliber kicker unless I make an NFL team, at which point I am an NFL caliber kicker. There is zero part of my brain that thinks that I'm a professional caliber kicker... half a percent.

March Madness makes you want to play basketball more than any other event

I would say my number one would be March Madness always makes me want to go play hoops. Something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic, so you just want to go play it and relive Valpo and all this shit.

Michael Jordan is not a loser and is the definition of the word 'winner'

I say absolutely not [to MJ being a loser]. I think it's safe to say that Michael Jordan is not a loser. He is the definition of the word winner. He's synonymous with winner more probably than any athlete maybe besides Tiger Woods.

Real 'hot boys' don't work with lawyers

DeMarcus Lawrence... he is working with attorneys to prevent the use of [the name 'Hot Boys'] by anyone other than the Cowboys... A real hot boy knows that other people call hot boys. Hot boys don't work with lawyers.

Women are naturally designed to be football kickers

I think that women actually might have a natural advantage in their bodies when it comes to kicking because they don't have those clumsy testicles that you squish them. Sure when you kick true... They're probably designed to be kickers. I'm all for it. Let her kick Let her kick why not her.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

The Lakers should get an extra roster spot specifically for Carmelo Anthony

How about the Lakers get an extra roster spot this year just for Carmelo? They can't use it on anyone else. Just Carmelo so that we can have the fun of watching Carmelo try to play with the Lakers.

Chris Davis's hitless streak is actually fun to watch

Do you feel bad for Chris Davis, who is now 0 for 53? [PFT]: No, because it's so much fun to watch. And if the Orioles were going to be a threat to do anything this year, then maybe I would be. But he's helping them.

Tennis balls are definitely green

I already know the answer to it. No, they're green... Yeah, they're probably green. They're definitely green.

Tennis balls are yellow

So I'm like a genius mind [for being in the 42% who say they are yellow]... I don't go with the sheep.

Being hungry is much better than being thirsty

I would rather be hungry than thirsty because I feel like if you are properly hydrated, like you're okay. You can survive for a very long time... I love being hungry because it means I haven't eaten, so I'm feeling kind of skinny.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body. But seriously, I love these debates. They are what sports are all about, debating things that we can never prove.

Bob Ryan's 'true sports fan' tweet was essentially correct despite the backlash

Everyone hated him for this. I don't think it's – I think he obviously went a little too hard. But the bones of this argument are kind of right. There are people who I think are fans of their teams only. And then there are people who are fans of sports in general. I think that's the better argument.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

I will beat Darren Rovell in a mile run once my back heals

I will beat [Darren Rovell] in a mile, though. He's said anywhere, anytime. So I'm just going to let my back heal up next four or five months, get my core strong. I'm going to show up at his house and just be like, let's go.

James Franklin made the worst play call of all time against Ohio State

James Franklin had somehow the worst play call off of two timeouts that I've ever seen. The Ohio State-Penn State game... fourth and five, needs it to keep the game alive. He's got three timeouts. He uses two of them to decide what to call and then calls a handoff that went nowhere.

France is not a golf country

Ryder Cup. What a waste of a tournament. France is not a golf country. I agree. France is not a golf country.

It is way too soon for Baker Mayfield to be doing underwear commercials

I think this is way too soon for Baker Mayfield. ... I actually think he's going to be a good quarterback, but it's still the Browns. You still have to win a couple games. Otherwise, this all is going to look ridiculous.

I'm leaning into my own stupidity and picking the Browns to win the AFC North

I'm just going to lean into my own stupidity and say I think the Browns are going to win the division. I'm with Hank now. ... 80% of the bets coming in are on the Browns to win that division.

The Central Time Zone is the undisputed best time zone for sports fans

The Central Time Zone is by far the best. The problem with everyone who's like West Coast is the best because 10 a.m. football... 10 a.m. is too early. Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game... and Monday night football ends at like 11 o'clock. My ranking of time zones goes Central time, mountain time, west coast, east coast.

The East Coast is better than the West Coast for watching sports

I like East Coast better than West Coast actually... Noon is objectively the perfect time to start a football game. [On the West Coast] it doesn't feel like a big game if it's Sunday night football and it's still light outside. You should get a Purple Heart if you watch sports in the Eastern Time Zone.

Michael Jordan is definitively better than LeBron James

I'm exhausted by the debate too, but guess what? I'll still stand here and say MJ's better. I don't care.

Filling up your gas tank more often for $20 saves you $60 compared to an $80 full tank

You're saving yourself 60 bucks because you're only paying 20. So I think Shaq's right. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

Jon Gruden is a fun coach and person if you have the right mindset.

If you have a problem with John Gruden, that's about your mindset. You have a post-1999 mindset, and you need a flashback. [To me] he is a fun guy.

A drinking straw only has one hole

I think it's one hole... Straw is the sphere... the hole starts and it just goes on forever. If you go in a tunnel, are you saying there's no hole in a tunnel? No, the entire tunnel is a hole. That's one hole.

Tony Romo is a good announcer but he talks way too much

Let the fucking moments breathe. All he does is talk. He talks the entire broadcast... I hate how much some people think he's the perfect analyst... If he just let it breathe a little bit, he would be everything everyone says that he already is.

Bears fans watch football to avoid being nagged, so we should call Matt Nagy 'Nagy' (with a soft A)

The debate is, how do we pronounce [Matt Nagy's] last name? It's technically Nagy, but we're going to go with Nagy... we watch football so that we don't get nagged. I mean, if you want to get nagged, there's women for that, right? ... Don't give me 'Nag-y'. Give me 'Nay-gy'.

Shaq was the 'Robin' and Kobe was the 'Batman' during their championship runs together

Shaq needed Kobe more than Kobe needed Shaq... Shaq needed the wing scorers to be Shaq. He needed Dwyane Wade to be unbelievable Dwyane Wade. Shaq was Superman, and Kobe was Batman. [But] Batman isn't a superhero... he's just a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets.

The 2012-13 Lakers with Steve Nash and Dwight Howard was the most stacked team of all time on paper

That team, though, the Steve Nash, Dwight Howard team, that's my favorite Lakers team of all time... When that cover came out, it was like, who the fuck would beat the Lakers? ... When that happened, I was like, oh, my God. This is the most stacked team of all time.

Russell Wilson is better than Matthew Stafford because Stafford was drafted higher

I actually came up with a couple reasons why I might agree with [Andy Benoit]. Number one, Stafford was drafted first overall. So Russell Wilson was in the third round. This is called the Kevin White law. If you're saying that Russell Wilson is better, then that's a slap in the face to all the people that do mock drafts... Number two, he gets paid more. Matt Stafford gets paid more. So are you saying that capitalism is a flawed system?

Blake Bortles is a top 5 quarterback in the NFL

Name five better. Go ahead, Hank. Give us your top five quarterbacks right now. Tom Brady, Jared Goff, Blake Bortles, and then the list dramatically falls off after that.

I would take RGIII over Andrew Luck right now because RGIII is healthy

I would take RGIII. He's not injured right now. He has a clean bill of health, and he's got Greta. [Andrew Luck]... Jim Irsay made a comment to me about six weeks ago that it's inside his own head. I'm going to trust Jim Irsay on all matters related to mental health.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

Dwayne Wade and LeBron James are definitely planning a team-up because they are 'going' to dinner

I would say that going to dinner is more intimate than meeting for dinner. Because going to dinner implies that you're going there... Every time you go to dinner, you have to meet somebody for dinner. But every time you meet for dinner, you're not necessarily going to dinner together. I think the act of going is way, way more intimate than just meeting... Not just friends. You don't just go to dinner.

Mixed drinks and iced coffees are significantly worse if they don't have a straw

I love straws, and I don't care who knows it. When I drink a mixed drink, if I don't have a straw, it sucks. It's so lame... And I drink iced coffee year-round... and I always need [a straw].

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

Four days is the maximum amount of rest a team can have before becoming rusty

Four days rest is right before you get that rust. So the Cavs are going to be very rusty. I think they've been off for like nine days.